Beauty of sisterhood -for you my sisters.

 

Watching you morph it to the beautiful woman you were put here to be.

Seeing your strengths, your love, your true being emerge.

The simple power of your presence has the strength to calm my inner demons.

I cherish my time with you. I drink it in and allow it to fuel me.

 

It is like looking in a mirror.

Sometimes painful, most time joyful.

So many similarities, but still so many differences still exist, allowing us to fill in the gaps with one another.

 

I savour that I get to watch you become the mother, aunt, daughter sister and woman that you are.

 

You are vital part of me.

You give me strength.

You give me joy.

You give me love.

Thank you.

 

To my beautiful sisters,

 

Meaghan, you growth into such nurturing and strong mother is astounding. Watching you makes me so happy. You are an amazing person. My rock, My joy, my lovely sister. I love you and am so happy to be taking this journey through motherhood together.

 

Emily, my little Emmy. My lovely Emmy. No words describe how strongly I feel for you. You are kind heart with so much love to give. You can change the world with your gifts. You were put here to make a difference. I love you and miss you.

 

Amber,  Your creative genius is inspiring. I do not use the word genius lightly here. You are a genius. You are such a giving and passionate soul. I am thankful you were brought into my life. I love you Ber and look forward to seeing you soon.

 

Thank you for being there for me.

Being the best sisters and aunty's I could ask to have in our lives.

 

My beautiful sisters fill my life with such joy.

I truly don't know how I got so lucky to have such strong woman in my life.

 

 

A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves - a special kind of double. 

~Toni Morrison

 

Much love,

 

Jessica

Letter of love

To my little ones,

 

I love to write about you.

How much I love you, your awesome hijinks's, your loving nature, your crazy adventures and my journey (smooth or rough) on how to be the best mom for you guys.

But today I want to write about something different,

just as important but different.

 

I want you to understand how it all began.

 

You are here because two people fell in love.

A young love. 

A strong love.

A love that knew in it's innocent being that it could handle anything.

 

We met when I was 15 and he was 16.

Young and naive.

We were high school sweethearts.

Through those tumultuous years, we made it through.

Two completely different personalities beat the odds of high school romance and moved on together to our next phase.

 

We went to collage.

Got our first 'real' jobs

We got our first place.

Bought furniture and nested.

We got a pet.

We did all the things young adults do to find ourselves.

Our new 'adult' selves.

 

We grew.

And somehow we kept growing together.

 

It wasn't always easy.

And it wasn't always fun.

But we stayed by each others side.

Through it all, we stood strong together.

 

Your daddy and I grew strong together.

 

Your Daddy is a great man.

He is kind and thoughtful.

He is strong.

He is smart in ways he doesn't even realize.

 

He is fun.

Always looking for the joke.

The reason to laugh.

The reason to make that moment one to remember.

 

He teaches me everyday how to be a better person.

How to yell less and laugh more.

How to be get more from life by simply seeing the 'funny' in every moment.

How to take myself less seriously.

 

I have had the great privilege of watching a boy grow into a man and a man grow into a father.

And what an amazing father and man he has become.

 

He loves you whole heatedly.

He holds nothing back.

He plays and laughs, teaches and calms.

He is an amazing daddy.

 

I want you three to understand someday that you came from love.

A strong love between two people.

This love has changed and morphed through the years, but it's foundation of strength and resiliency has stayed strong.

It has now become embedded in you.

You have a love in you that is strong.

That can conquer all.

 

 

 

"I know that you are not perfect and nor can I claim to be either, but please believe me, when I say that I want to be by your side, to hold your hand, to treasure you in the morning and in the noon-tide, to be next to you, to be held close to your heart now and for the rest of my living years, to comfort you, dry your tears and calm your most frightening fears, to fight your battles and show no shame to scream my love for you out loud all over the land."

 

Much love,

 

Your mommy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

my heaven

I have always loved mornings.

I am a 'morning person' shall we say.

I love being the first up, planning my day and getting organized.

 

Before kids, on days which I had no obligations (that line actually made me laugh out loud. I can't really remember what it feels like to have no obligations.) one of my favorite things to do was wake up before Court, Watch old romantic movies, read my book and curl up on the couch. I could spend a whole day like that.

 

I thought that was heaven.

 

My perspective has changed.

 

Heaven now is waking up before my littles.

I love the way it feels to prepare the house for their immanent wake up.

 

I love to hear their soft sweet voices over the monitor and outside their door. Playing make believe with their special stuffies and comforting each other with words.

 

I love to hear the murmurs of an infant slowly waking up braving the big new day. Taking notice to the fact that he feel slightly empty, like he is missing a piece and he needs to find it.

 

I love the joy in their voice as I walk in the room. Each day it being the same, but as if they never expected me. The pure and honest expression of contentment to see me.
 

 

I love the look they cast upon me as I pick them up and they realize in that moment they have found me. The one who can provide them with your missing pieces and substance to fill you up in that moment.

I love how when I unswadled him from the tight warm cacoon, he stretches his legs out and arms up as if to say  'here I am day, I am ready to conquer you' 

 

I love their smiles.

Wide toothless grin with a face that cannot not hid true feelings.
 A honest face.
Staring up at me right before he drinks away to fill your belly with nectar made just for him.

I love cute little pink lips curled up, looking so much like their daddy's smile, searching for a new face to join the sea of happiness.

 

I love how we discuss our day, I tell you are plans and you tell me what you think.
I love how you weave together our new adventure for the day.

 

My three angels fill my life with so many new 'loves'.

 

I realize now what my heaven looks like.

 

Much love,

 

Jessica

lose the guilt

* warning: This was a very cathartic post for me tonight

It doesn't always make sense but I needed to write tonight.

the blue moon is making me feel a little "crazy".

 

 

How can one day feel so alive and bright and the next you are searching deep within your soul to find the strength to face your day?

Today was a day in which I would have loved to have escaped in the security of my bed.

Keep my head under the pillow and sleep away the day.

So bear with my post,  I feel a strong desire right now to speak my feelings, no matter how bad/guilty they make me feel.

 

 

 

It all starts with the fact that I am loner by nature.

Before I had kids, it was not uncommon for me to 'run away' for a day.

Escape.

Be alone.

Not talk to anyone.

Drink coffee and read books.

Go to movies alone.

Have dinner by myself.

All day.

Escape my world.

Escape my own reality.

Create a new one even for a few hours.

 

 

This never happens anymore.

 

I miss that.

 

I cannot escape my reality.

It is always with me now.

 

I am sure many can agree with me when I say that staying home with your kids can feel lonely at times.

Especially on the exceptionally low days where life is throwing alot of lemons your way.

On my low days, Loneliness is a very strong feeling.

 

 

But there is one truth with parenthood,

you never really alone.

 

They are with you all the time.

Physically,

Emotionally,

and Spiritually.

 

They surround you at all times.

 

This should be a good thing, right?

I love my kids.

They are incredible.

They fill my days with joy and fulfillment.

Their unconditional love for they "much less then perfect" mother is astounding and some days undeserved.

Then why do some days simply thinking about what lies ahead exhaust me?

 

 

There are these rare moments where I disappear into a different world.

A different me.

But before I know it the guilt drifts in.

The guilt that says

"how selfish of you to think of yourself first"

that dreaded guilt that you have forgotten them,

that you aren't making them a priority.

The guilt that tells you how selfish you are for thinking of yourself first.

 

Life can be hard.

Harder then we realize sometimes.

and guilt gets you nowhere.

 

It makes you no more stronger.

or wiser, compassionate or joyful.

 

It destroys your self worth.

Makes you doubt your own truths.

Guilt is a dark and negative place to be.

 

 

 

Let  it go Jess.

Release the guilt.

You cannot control what has been done.

You can only look to the future to be brighter.

 

Guilt is holding you back.

Let yourself look forward.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't believe in guilt, I believe in living on impulse as long as you never intentionally hurt another person, and don't judge people in your life. I think you should live completely free.

-Angelina Jolie

 

Much love,

 

Jessica

 

 

 

 

feeling alive

I ran last night.

I am not sure what got into me.

I just decided to start the "Couch to 5k" program.

I am not a runner nor have ever been a runner, but I figure I need to stay healthy and it is the most convenient and inexpensive way for me to get a work out in.

 

 

I didn't even wait till the kids were in bed.

Court got home from the gym at 6:00 and then I left. 

(I really hate doing to much in that 2 hours of precious time (8 pm till 10 pm) when the kids are in bed. I like 2 hours of time to reboot and get ready for the next day.)

It was marvelous!

Only 30 minutes, but it was enough time to just decompress.

It was also cleared my mind so much.

Allowed me to reboot my thinking.

I took notice in the things I missed and the activities I wanted to start doing again.

Like teaching yoga.

I want to teach some 'family' style classes.

 

 

I really want to start a 'mom and baby' yoga class in almonte.

I have always thought of starting a mom and baby class, as I love them so much!

When I did them with the girls, I adored the yoga and the time to connect to my babies.

 

I am also toying with the idea of a 30 minute toddler class

(Court thinks I am crazy but I think it could be good. )

My girls and the two little guys I babysit love when we do our 'yoga classes'

Obviously there is not as much structure as 'regular' yoga class.

It really works out to be a yoga version of  'circle time'

Introducing kids to the world of yoga and meditation in a fun way that they would respond to.

10 minutes of warming up (songs, jumping, stretching and 'sillyness')

10 minutes of yoga poses,

 (I like to use stories to create the vinyasa flow for kids. They seem to respond well to it)

and 10 minutes of quiet yoga (kids version of mediation.)

 Quiet songs, quiet stories and trying to relax the best a toddler knows how.  

 

Now I have to find out if there is any interest in these classes and go from there.

I would love to get them started this fall :)

 

Oh, how I love feeling challenged, reconnected and excited :)

 

Have a wonderful day!

 

Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is more people who have come alive

 – Howard Thurman

 

Much love,

 

Jessica

 

 

 

 

 

Really love him

 These are someone else's words, but I found them to beautiful not to share.

 

 

If you want to change the world love a man; really love him
Choose the one whose soul calls to yours clearly who sees you; who is brave enough to be afraid
Accept his hand and guide him gently to your hearts blood
Where he can feel your warmth upon him and rest there
And burn his heavy load in your fires

Look into his eyes look deep within and see what lies dormant or awake or shy or expectant there
Look into his eyes and see there his fathers and grandfathers and all the wars and madness their spirits fought in some distant land, some distant time

Look upon their pains and struggles and torments and guilt; without judgment
And let it all go
Feel into his ancestral burden
And know that what he seeks is safe refuge in you
Let him melt in your steady gaze
And know that you need not mirror that rage
Because you have a womb, a sweet, deep gateway to wash and renew old wounds

If you want to change the world love a man, really love him
Sit before him, in the full majesty of your woman in the breath of your vulnerability
In the play of your child innocence in the depths of your death
Flowering invitation, softly yielding, allowing his power as a man
To step forward towards you…and swim in the Earth’s womb, in silent knowing, together
And when he retreats…because he will…flees in fear to his cave…
Gather your grandmothers around you…envelope in their wisdoms
Hear their gentle shusshhhed whispers, calm your frightened girls’ heart
Urging you to be still…and wait patiently for his return
Sit and sing by his door, a song of remembrance, that he may be soothed, once more

If you want to change the world, love a man, really love him
Do not coax out his little boy
With guiles and wiles and seduction and trickery
Only to lure him…to a web of destruction
To a place of chaos and hatred
More terrible than any war fought by his brothers
This is not feminine this is revenge
This is the poison of the twisted lines
Of the abuse of the ages, the rape of our world
And this gives no power to woman it reduces her as she cuts off his balls
And it kills us all
And whether his mother held him or could not
Show him the true mother now
Hold him and guide him in your grace and your depth
Smoldering in the center of the Earth’s core
Do not punish him for his wounds that you think don’t meet your needs or criteria
Cry for him sweet rivers
Bleed it all back home

If you want to change the world love a man, really love him
Love him enough to be naked and free
Love him enough to open your body and soul to the cycle of birth and of death
And thank him for the opportunity
As you dance together through the raging winds and silent woods
Be brave enough to be fragile and let him drink in the soft, heady petals of your being
Let him know he can hold you stand up and protect you
Fall back into his arms and trust him to catch you
Even if you’ve been dropped a thousand times before
Teach him how to surrender by surrendering yourself
And merge into the sweet nothing, of this worlds’ heart

If you want to change the world, love a man, really love him
Encourage him, feed him, allow him, hear him, hold him, heal him
And you, in turn, will be nourished and supported and protected
By strong arms and clear thoughts and focused arrows
Because he can, if you let him, be all that you dream

If you want to love a man, love yourself, love your father
Love your brother, your son, your ex-partner; from the first boy you kissed,
To the last one you wept over
Give thanks for the gifts; of your unraveling to this meeting
Of the one who stands before you now
And find in him the seed to all that’s new and solar
A seed that you can feed to help direct the planting
To grow a new world, together
 

~Anonymous~

 

 

The men in my life

 

 

Enjoy :)

 

Much love, 

 

Jessica

The inspiration in the words of a child

The monster is coming.

Hide in the trees.

 

Waiting and waiting but not to be found.

 

I ask, Is he still here?

Yes.

 

We hide in the bush.

couched low to the ground, listening.

 

I ask again, Is he still here?

Yes.

 

We hide in his house.

A big wooded house.

It echos and creaks.

Surely we will hear the bedlam of this beast.

 

But only silence surrounds.

 

Is he still here?

No, she says.

 

I saved him.

He was a nice monster.

I kissed him.

Now he is gone.

 

 

 

(I wrote this poem with the inspiration of an imagination game I played with Chloe and Charlotte yesterday.

While we were on our walk they started this story about a monster coming after us.

After when thinking about their story, I noticed how deep it all sounded.

'I saved him, I kissed him, now he is gone'

Wow.)

 

 

 

 

Much love,

 

Jessica