It has been full of moments in which I was taught lessons, shown patience and trust and been told to remember my faith.
First came the moment of patience and trust that it will all work out.
Trust the universe (and my husband :)
I work Saturdays at an awesome store in downtown Almonte called "Soul Scents", I started working there about 6 weeks ago. I needed to find an outlet to feel 'adult', simply Jessica, not 'mama jess'.
The beautiful woman who runs the store, hired me, very easily as if fate meant for me to work there. It truly was meant to be and I love love love working there. Not only for the time to recharge 'me' but because the space has an amazing energy. I learn new and amazing stuff each week and adore how much it is expanding my world.
Last week we had a 'situation' at home while I was working. Canty would not take his bottle, he cried for hours. My patient and loving husband was at his end. Canty doesn't take a bottle well, but it was terrible last week. I can only imagine what it was like in my house last Saturday. A screaming baby for hours and two toddlers running around. I am surprised he withstood it for as long as he did.
I was distraught in finding out how badly Canty fought being fed. Thoughts of having to stop working Saturdays were creeping into my mind. I was heartbroken. Court kept telling me that it would get better, he could handle it and I would be able to keep working at the store, but I was so worried. My mama instinct told me not to leave my little boy, but my desire and need to be 'me' told me to keep going.
I did not 'quit' or stop working Saturdays and went to my usual shift this week. I was being optimistic when I left, and even organized back up. I got my lovely grandmother to come by around lunch time to watch the twins while Court brought the baby up to the store to nurse for a few minutes.
Around lunch time I got a text. It was from Court, it read " not coming up. he had a great nap and is drinking his bottle. see you later. " I was over the moon with joy. My baby is OK without me. He did well. I was so happy!
I trusted the universe and my husbands awesome 'daddy' skills and it all worked out.
The next lesson/epiphany I had this weekend came from my grandmother.
It was a lesson in being grateful, worrying less, and to have faith.
My girls had their first sleepover at their great grandmas house.
I was so worried. I was afraid my intensely passionate and active girls would break my grandma.
We got the girls ready and the anxious feelings stayed. I was worried, nervous for all three of them.
We got in the car and drove to grandmas.
It was then I got to see the most beautiful thing.
Three people who had joy, happiness and excitement radiating from them.
My grandmother was so excited for my girls. She was actually waiting by the door when we arrived in the driveway.
Chloe and Charlotte couldn't move fast enough to their grandmother.
They were all so happy.
They were so thrilled to be in the presence of one another.
It made me remember all the lovely nights I spent at my grandmothers.
The late night movies in her living room. I would lie on the floor while grandma sat in her chair and grandpa lay in the couch. We would stay up way past my bedtime feeling so tired and exhilarated in the same moment. I would fight the sandman just to have a few more moments in that living room with my beloved grandparents.
The smell homemade bread that wafted in each corner of the house. The delicious aroma of baking bread still brings me back to being 10 years old and eating peanut butter toast in the dim light of the oven lamp with my grandma.
The excitement of being in the presence of someone who seemed to have been everywhere and see everything. My grandma had skills in so many different areas and her knowledge astounded me.
I loved going to my grandmas house overnight and it was incredible to see that feeling mirrored in my own children.
I realized how blessed I was that my grandmother is still here and available to love and nurture my kids as she did for me.
The last lesson I am aware of is a lesson in acceptance.
With the girls lovely night spent at grandmas and Court in the city for the night, Canton and I were left to our own devices.
We spent a 12 hours together, just the two of us.
He, in his usual way, woke up at 5:00 am, ready to conquer the day.
We went downstairs. I had coffee and woke up and he layed on the floor beside me watching baby Einstein. We passed some great mommy and babe time, till he got tired.
The first nap of the day for Canton is usually rushed and independant. The twins are usually up and needing food and fresh clothes by this time so Canty-boy is left to he own devices in the swing with his favorite blankie and soother to fall asleep. Today was different. I had no where else to be and nothing else to do so I cradled my little man to sleep listening to the rain and basking in the twilight of the morning glow.
The magic of the moment led me to really meditate inwards. To really think about this moment.
I had him in my arms, pressed up against my belly while I stroked his tiny face.
I realized in that moment to have acceptance.
I acepected my soft, pillow belly. The belly that expended and held my three babies. I let go of my hate for its less then flat appearance and accepted it. It is used a soft pillow for my kids. A place for them to feel comfortable and loved. A place in which my infant son can gently fall into sweet dreams.
I let of of my angered feeling about my hands. Mangled by eczema, they hurt and look so aged and chapped. They usually cause me alot of pain and feelings of self conscious because of their appearance. I accepted them for what they are. They may not be perfect but they are the tool that allows me to stroke my sons face while he drifts off. To feel his soft skin as he melts his little body into mine. I accepted them because he sees nothing wrong with my mangled hands, he only feels the love emanating from them.
This weekend has filled me with so much joy in my new acceptance and lessons. It has been lovely!
“Instructions for living a life.
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.”
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.”
-Mary Oliver
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| Somebody reminded me of this picture, how I love its poetic appearance. |
Much love,
Jessica
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