I don't like to play.

I am not the 'playing' mom.
I hate to admit it, but I hate conventionally playing with my kids.

I do however love craft time.
I love story time.
I love sing songs with them.
I love going for walks with them. My favorite is going on nature walks and talking about animals and plants. They always have awesome answers and observations.
I love sitting with my girls and talking about their day and their favorite things.

But I hate playing.

I don't like having to kick a soccer ball around with them.
Or shoot balls into the net.
Or building Lego.
Or climb the play structure.
Or play tag.

We go outside and they want me to play, run and climb with them.

I am always filled with immense guilt trying to have fun but hating every minute of it.
I am just waiting for the right time to duck out and go back to drawing with chalk on the pavement with whatever kid wants to draw or going back to sitting comfortably and watching. 

It makes me feel like a terrible mom.

What mom hates playing with their kids?
Maybe I am just a generally lazy person.
I have never really been 'sports/play' inclined.

At least their Dad likes to play, run, build stuff with them and teach them about sports.
Maybe that is the balance they need.

I know it isn't terrible that I would much rather do passive activity's with them versus active play.
I know they need a balance of both in their lives. 
But I still suffer 'mom guilt'  not being the one to provide every bit of stimulation for them.
There are lots of people in their lives who nurture their different aspects of development.

I just need to accept that I can't be good at everything.
I am not a perfect mom.


The fastest way to break the cycle of perfectionism and become a fearless mother is to give up the idea of doing it perfectly - indeed to embrace uncertainty and imperfection.
-Arianna Huffington

Much love,

Jessica

something new to learn

I have been wanting to LEARN lately.
Right now I am feeling that my mind is telling me to soak in as much information as possible.

I have been really geared towards learning more about child development and intellectual growth. It is partially because I love working with my kids and watching them grow, but also I am quickly discovering that I find this topic hugely fascinating.

I have been naturally thinking of wanting to go back to school.
I mean that is how you learn new stuff right?
The environment of 'school'  is tailored for you to embrace knowledge and  learn new concepts and ideas.

For obvious and not so obvious reasons, going back to school is not an option for me at this point in my life.

But why am I thinking so boxed in?
I don't necessarily need a school environment to learn new things.
If I am motivated enough I can divulge into the world of child growth and development all on my own.

I have great resources all around me.
The library has wonderful book and studies about child development.
There are lots of  parenting seminars and workshops I can attend.

There is lots of avenues I can discover to embrace this new obsession with needing to know more.

Someday I will be able to go back to school, but why wait to examine and absorb new information.

“Always walk through life as if you have something new to learn and you will.”  ~Vernon Howard

Much love,

Jessica

PS. If anyone has any suggestions of great books about children, their development and their learning styles, I would love to hear them :)

A new attitude

I have changed my blog a bit. 

I have changed the name and address. 

First off I found it inappropriate to call the blog "morning meditations".

I don't blog in the morning. 

I used to blog in the mornings, but for some reason that has changed...

If I am up before the girls, I enjoy quiet 'non-thinking' time. 

or the girls are up with me and we are too busy for me to blog. 

Secondly, I did some changes because as I posted earlier I was having some issues with identity lately. 

I realized that I am a Stay at Home mom.
This role comes with some awesome rewards but as well some major frustrations along the way. 

I have previously stated my lack of self and fear of losing who I am. 

But I think by maintain things I love, just adapting them to this (kinda) new role I play will help me to feel at peace with where I am. 

I love to write. 

So blogging helps me to feel like me. 

Like the person I strive to be. 

I think blogging mid afternoon while the kids nap, keeps me sane. 

Recharges me and reconnects my spirit to my role and to myself. 

Thirdly, I like connecting to others to. 

I miss that about not working outside my house. 

My connections to others in the outside world are much more limited. 

If blogging more often connects me to other people,
even if it means someone read this and feels the same way,
I feel part of the world in a bigger picture. 

I selfishly get to have my cake and eat it to. 

By changing up my blog and my attitude about why I write here, 
It allows me that time in the day to feel connected to the world and myself in a small way.

I think I like this new attitude :)

Totally off topic, I am pregnant as most of you know 

and this pregnancy is so much different then the last one.

I cannot stop eating!

It is wild. 

It takes all my will power to not eat every 20 minutes. 

And I choose such terrible foods. 

During this post, I ate lunch. 

I dummied 3 hotdogs and 2 chocolate chip cookies! 

what!

It is getting kinda disgusting how much I want to eat. 

If I wanted to eat healthy stuff it would be way better, but I can't get enough junk food :(

 Anyone else out there who is pregnant or was pregnant experience the same thing?

Any suggestions on how to curb the awful/intense cravings?

I am off, 

  I wish you all a wonderful day :)

I cannot always control what is going on around me but I can always control what I think about what is going on around me.  
-Lucy MacDonald

Much love, 

Jessica

simple awesomness all around me!

What a beautiful morning. 

I decided to wake up on the proper side of the bed. 

The side of positivity.

This weekend was nice. 

That helped the awesome feelings this morning.

The weekend was spent with just Court and the girls. 

We stayed home all weekend, except for breakfast at my moms and a quick jaunt up to grocery store on Sunday.

It was wonderful. 

 

It is nice to just stay in and relax. 

Just the 4 of us. 

I spend a lot of the weekend watching the girls interact. 

With such busy weeks and the hustle and bustle of life, I don't get a lot of time to take in their wicked greatness!

Today I am going to make a list of all the little things of 'awesome'  that are making my day feel so great!

Here goes:

• Tina Fey's book 'bossy pants': I picked it up for 40% off this Sunday. It is hilarious and makes me laugh every second page. 
• The memory of Chloe and Charlotte this weekend playing with Court and I outside while we shoveled. We made them a hill at the end of our drive way. We kept putting them at the top of it. I would sing "King of the castle". I though it was fitting, but every time I would sing it to them they would say "No mommy, Snow White of the castle" or "No mommy, Belle of the castle" (Charlotte is Snow White and Chloe is Belle, I definitely have princesses :)
• I crafted yesterday afternoon and finally had a wonderful use for some vintage buttons I had from 'Buttonfest'. They are adorable buttons and I am so glad I got good use out of them!
• We got to Skype with some wonderful friends! It was a first time really skyping and it was not as awkward as I though. I hope we get to make it happen more often!
• I have been pining for a pair of black Tom shoes and found online that they are not nearly as pricey as I thought! BONUS!

Such simple things made my weekend, will make my day, and hopefully my week feel so much more  amazing. 

Why?

Because I am geared into keeping in mind that all the simple 'awesome' things are what makes life worth living joyfully!

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
- Confucius

Much love, 

Jessica 

Identity

I have been think alot about Identity. 

Who am I? 

Do I like who I am?

Is it really me who determines my own Identity?

I have been feeling very pressured by the demands of  'requirements'

It seems like what I am required to do for others is slowly defining me.

I am trying to be the perfect mother.

I am trying to be the best wife I can be. 

I am trying to be the good friend.

I am trying to be the appeasing and lovely daughter. 

So Why do I feel so resentful that these things are defining who I am?

I love my family and friends, why does it bother me that what I am fit into a mold with them is creating who I am?

Maybe I need to step back. 

Maybe I need to be just me (with responsibility) 

and the rest will follow suit. 

I can't be good at anything if I am not true to who I am anyways right?

I need to honor the person in me. 

Speak with truth and conviction. 

Act with respect for myself.

Be Honest to the desires and beliefs I possess. 

I can't make my life fit into a perfect mold. 

What I have around me is  life. 

Take it or leave it. 

I can't expect people to accept me for the honest me if I am trying to get them to fit into my perfect mold with me.

much love, 

Jessica

never a child like you!

I have been up for 1 and 1/2 hours and it is only 7:00 am. 

Come someone tell my body it is a holiday AND I don't have the twins here today?

This morning Court and I are heading to Montreal to the  Premiere of the new movie "Goon". 

We are taking the train and staying in a fancy hotel. 

We may be only gone for 24 hrs but I excited!

Even though I am excited to head a way for a mini-mini-mini vacation, I still am missing my girls this morning.       

(they slept at my moms last night to allow for us to get ready this morning)

It is like having a phantom limb when they are gone. 

I think I hear them talking to one another upstairs and I expect to peak in the their room and see their smiling faces. 

I just spend so much time with them, it is hard to not think they are trailing right behind me. 

So in lieu of my feeling this morning I am going to write a BRAG post about the awesomeness of my girls. 

(refrain from reading if you get squeamish with the words of an overly doting mother :)

I believe my children are geniuses. 

Common sense tells me that they are averagely wonderful 2 year old's but  biased mother in my says they are spectacularly genius and clever. 

Take Charlotte for example,

yesterday we were sitting at the kitchen table eating lunch and we have slowly created a habit of discussing our day to come or our events in the day at meal times. 

So in normal fashion we are discussing our daily event and what is going to happen for the rest of the afternoon.

Here is how the conversation played out:

Me: After nap we are going to go to Gagu and Papa's (names we call my parents) for dinner!

Chloe: GAGU!

Charlotte: PAPA!

Me: What do you think we are going to have for supper?

Chloe: PIZZA!

Me: Nope

Chloe: FRENCH FRIES?

Me: Nope

Charlotte: SAMMIES?

Me: Nope, we are going to have ribs for dinner! Daddy's favorite!

Court: MMMM, Ribs! I love ribs. 

(in an excited voice to get the girls excited about the possibility of trying a new food)

Chloe: Chloe loves ribs! Chloe likes ribs!

Charlotte: Froggie likes ribs too!

Here I pause. Froggie likes ribs? huh?

That seems a little out of no where...

So I say...

Me: Froggie likes ribs? really....

Charlotte: Ribbit Ribbit....

I didn't even let her finish I was laughing so hard!

Where does she come up with this stuff?

I truly wonder how their brains works. 

Though I guess this isn't a stretch...

Because that make perfect sense!

Stuff like this happens everyday. 

I am sure all parents reading this have similar stories and funny stuff their kids say too.

I know this is normal. 

But watching my girls understand and connect ideas is so amazing. 

They are smart. 

They understand concepts and connections. 

It is amazing. 

I love watching they develop into their own people.

I am proud of what my girls are becoming. 

Wonderful, amazing and clever little gems!

The child must know that he is a  miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him!"

 -Pablo Casals 

Much love, 

Jessica

Baby Brother

I can do a lot of whining and complaining on my blog. 

That is just the nature of what 'this' is to me. 

A version of my journal. 

A way to sort through all the crude and find the wonderful. 

But today I am feeling perfection

Sometimes this just work out perfectly. 

How we hope. 

How we want. 

Yesterday I had an ultrasound. 

I was lucky enough to find out that the little baby is (probably) a boy!

(I say probably, because they can't confirm 100%. But the ultrasound Tech said she was 99.9% sure it was a boy!)

We really did want a boy. 

Well, we wanted any baby that we created but we were hoping for a boy. 

A boy evens out the dynamic of our family. 

It makes us all very happy!

This news of a little boy in whom his little sisters would like to name 'Caillou', has brought wonderful joy to a family  that could use a 'February pick me up'!

"A new baby is like the beginning of all things - wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities."

- Eda J LeShan

Much love, 

Jessica