All seems to be running smooth this week with my happiness project. I was being so much nicer, my attitude was less like a angry 16 year old girl and more like a joyful and mature adult and I was noticeably happier. But along comes yesterday to mess it all up.
Inevitably I knew that it couldn't be this easy. That I couldn't just decided to be happier and nothing would come in my way of my goal. I knew that it would take work. It was wishful thinking to believe that naturally I would transition easy to a happier me. Since I can remember I have be quite a grumpy bear (just ask my parents about my 'attitude').
I know that the 'speed bumps' along the way are there to reconnect me to my project and allow me to evaluate how far I have come and the changes I still need to make, but even with all that, it is still frustrating when I 'relapse' to disconnect and anger.
Yesterday brought that relapse.
Court was off work yesterday, so I decided to sleep in with him till the girls got up at 7:00 am instead of waking up at my usual 5:00 am.
As some of you know about me already, 5:00 am is when I do some of my best work. I usually blog, send emails, do yoga, meditate, have my morning coffee or exercises at that time. I prepare my self for the rest of the day.
The morning has always been my safe haven but even more so now that it seems to be the only time when my time is all mine. This is the time of the day where no one requires anything from me. It is all about me!
At 5:00 am, there are no little girls wanting me to chase them on my hands and knees up and down the hall, no husband who need help finding his cell phone, no meals to prepare, or no house to clean. There are no requirements of me.
The whole house is silent.
Instead of the usual background noise of baby screams, battery powered toys and sports center; I only hear the hum of the computer, the ticking of the kitchen clock, the fuzzy noise of the monitor, and on some mornings the slow melodies of my favorite music from my MP3 player.
The mornings are beautiful and uplifting time of day. They are my time to reflect and center my mind and body. They get me ready for my inevitably busy day ahead.
And I traded that all in yesterday for a couple more hours of sleep. Silly me!
I woke up flustered by the rush to getting the girls ready and myself ready in less time. I felt irritated because I had to try and tackle the chaos of the morning with no coffee in me yet. Not to mention they girls were exceptionally chaotic as they knew that daddy was in the next room sleeping and they wanted to see him.(usually they don't get to see him in the morning as he is off for work by 5:30 am.) It was much more stressful. I know the girls could sense my frustration as they become much more irritable and grumpy with me. This only lead to my irritation growing and soon all three of us were in quite a state.
We usually let Court sleep in on the days he doesn't work, as he works quiet early and is definatly not a morning person. However yesterday he knew the stress was accumulating down stairs and he came down to save the day!
The presence of a 'happy' parent lead the girls to be much more enjoyable to be around. Court made a comment to us once he was downstairs. He said "seems like I am the only one who woke up on the right side of the bed, we have a got a few grumpy bears on our hands". He was right.
I did wake up on the wrong side of the bed, or to be more specific, the wrong time in the morning. That simple comment made me realize that the extra 2 hours of sleep did not trump my time that I get it the the morning. Yesterday I think I needed that time more. There was a lot more stress in my life yesterday as Court and I had a bank meeting to prepare for (I'll blog about that later, as I had another 'a ha' moment at the bank) and I was starting to feel 'stir crazy' in my house (due to the cold weather and lack of two vehicles, the girls and I have been stuck at home all week). I needed my morning much more.
Like in the theater, things go more smoothly if we have a dress rehearsal. I don't think it is any different with hapiness. I need my mornings as a dress rehearsal, a way to prepare my self for the 'big show'.
But maybe some people don't need that prep time and dress rehearsals. Some people are good at improv (like Courtney).
I am obviously not one of them, I never have been! I need to be prepared. And that is OK.
I have learned my lesson. I will not do that again! I will not give up my mornings for more sleep. I will give my morning up to the greater good of my happiness.
much love,
Jessica
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