I wrote yesterday about how I was going to blog about my bank experience, so here I go.
I hate banks! Everything about them. I associate anxiety to banks and money. Every time we leave some sort of financial meeting there is always a feeling of 'lose of self worth' that encapsulates both of us. I hate how when we go to a bank our 'not so desirable financial situation' is rubbed in my face again. I generally despise everything about having to deal with our finances outside the safety of our office desk with just Courtney and I. I don't know where this feeling originated but in the last 3 years it has gotten worse. I do my best at avoiding 'bank meeting situations' the best that I can. But unfortunately the time has arrived where are car lease is about to expire and we needed to get a car loan to buy out our car.
I stressed and stressed about this meeting for days. It was like a weight bearing down on me as I though about the meeting.
"What if they don't give us the money?"
"What will I do?"
"We need a car!!"
"What if they judge us on our financial situation! we are doing the best we can!"
"What if them makes us feel like crap for not owing a house, having to many credit card bills or having limited savings?"
These were all questions rolling through my head. It was exhausting! The anticipation of this meeting was awful. In hindsight, it did effect my attitude a little bit as well.
So Friday rolled along, Emy came over to babysit and Court and I headed to what I thought would be a self esteem crushing hour of our lives.
We met with the lady from the bank, as we walked to her office, I was stratigizing what I was going to say to make her realize that we were not financial idiots, that we just had a tough go for the last few years. Comments and Answers (prior to even hearing questions) were running through my mind. I was melting down before our conversation with her had started. It was quite awful. I felt so much anxiety walking to the bank ladies office, but then as soon as we entered the room, something in me changed. I took the chair furthest from the computer screen (so I could not see what she was doing as she attempted to get us money. Most bank meeting I sit so I can see the screen and micro manage in my head what they are doing) I also just stopped thinking. Seriously. I stopped for that hour. I probably looked like zombie to her. If she directly asked me a question I answered. But that was all. I usually answer all questions. Even if directed a Courtney. It is like I believe my answer will save the day and get us what we need and he is incapable of doing that. I logically know that thinking like that is ridiculous, but what can I say, stressful situations make me crazy!
So I just stopped worrying. I kept looking a the pictures of her kids on her desk and though about my kids. I didn't stress. I didn't breakdown our financial situation in my head. I didn't think about the long term future, I just though in 5 minute intervals. I didn't berate my self for being a financial idiot and make myself feel like less of a person. I just sat there waiting to hear what she was going to say to us next.
That step by step method of dealing if a stressful situation worked. I didn't feel anxiety. I didn't feel bad. I realized during the time we waited for her to input things into the computer, that whatever the outcome was, I was OK with it. If she couldn't help us out, that would be OK. We tried and we would have to move to plan B (I always have a plan B. I am to organized not to.) I realized that visiting banks is not the creator of the anxiety and stress I associate with fiances, it is me. It is me that creates the atmosphere of stress. I am the one who breaks us down, makes us feel like crap when we have to deal with fiances. It is me, because I hate our financial situation, I create the worry and stress. Well no more!
I had my 'a ha' moment in that office. I fully accepted our situation and knew then that it would get better. Some day I would like where we were financially. I would like it even better because I knew how tough it was to get there.
My 'a ha moment' filled me with sudden feeling of joy and relief. I felt light. That weight was lifted of my shoulders and weirdly enough the bank lady hadn't even told us if they could help us out or not. It had nothing to do with changing our financial situation. I was in control of my happiness. It was amazing feeling, and to top it all off, they were able to help us out.
The bank meeting, a moment that I worried about incessantly, turned out to quite situation of growth for me. I am so glad I had to go through with it.
I hope you all have a wonderful day!
Try and take a moment to realize that in the moments you may hate the most may allow for the most personal growth.
Much Love,
Jessica
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