Technicolor

The moments are in technicolor,

Vibrant and full.

My mind is calm and content, but moving in full speed trying to take it all in.

I am mesmerized by it all.

The color of your golden hair and and how it falls loosely over your ears and caresses your cheek. How all three of you smell so much like home. 

Familiar and grounding. 

A smell I seem to long for in moments of disarray. 

The feel of your soft skin as I touch your cheek. 

Unblemished and new, not yet affected by the harsh truths of the world.

The taste of the wine, the one you chose. 

Delicious and deep. 

Rich and Vibrant. 

The perfect compliment to our evening.  

These moments seem so much more real today. 

I am glad for it. 

Knowing that my truth is becoming more open and free. 

Knowing that when I take the time to nurture my soul, I receive these 'gifts of the ordinary'.

The ability to see and feel my life in full form. 

In full technicolor. 

Food is beautiful.

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. ~Benjamin Disraeli

Much love, 

Jessica

Love the ones we marry.

I was talking to my Mr. Kennedy yesterday. Alone. We were conversing as adults. It was nice.
We were enjoy that brief moment of alone time at the dinner table.
That sweet moment were you can disappear together.
If you have young children, you know this moment.
The moment that they are done their plates (or what they are going to eat from them) their bellies full and they are feeling happy and free.
They saunter off in their food haze, unaware that mommy and daddy are doing something without them.
That sweet moment to finish your dinner, trying hard not to pay too much attention to fact that you are eating cold pancakes for the 4 time this month because it is the one food you wont have to force feed your toddlers.
And in my case, I got to share that moment with the man that so often gets neglected and put last on the household 'list'.

We were talking about our days, our food, the kids, hockey....all the real important stuff that keeps are world spinning.
And during this conversation we had a moment.
A shared moment of epiphany.

Heres how it went down:

Me: My parents are back in town from their trip. Want to go over for dinner tomorrow? They will have the girls for the day and we can go over after work. What would you like to do?
Him: *pause* umm.....
My response is already boiling in my head. The typical wife and husband routine about the 'parental' visits.

Me: So? What are you going to do? come or not?
Him: I think I will stay here. I need sone time where no-one is needing or demanding anything from me.

My initial reaction was to freak out.
What?!?! You need some time? What about me?
But I stopped myself.
It would only start a fight and we would both lose.
Instead I asked him,

'are you feeling overwhelmed?'

Instead of his usual joking and lack of seriousness, he was truthful and honest. He responded with a simple 'Yes'.
No dramatics. No fights over who us 'more tired' or 'works harded'. No judgement or blame game.
We both simply respected each others feelings and concerns.
It was refreshing.

He decided to stay home tonight.
And I took a lesson from his honesty and told him I could use some 'out of office' time.
No demands, no tasks, no 'to do list'.
He was happy for me go get that. He was helpful and accommodating.

I went to a late movie to see 'les miserables' with my best friend. It was incredible and simply for me.

It was truly refreshing and liberating to have our feelings respected with no attached judgments or drama.

"Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry." -Tom Mullen

Much love,

Jessica

I am part of a whole, I am not alone.

There is this man we see everyday of the school week.
He is a bus driver who we pass on our way to pick up the school aged boys I babysit.
Every day he tells me I am super mom and deserve a medal.
Each day I laugh graciously, make brief chit chat and then move on my way with the kiddies.

Today he actually gave me a medal.
A supermom medal.

On a day I feel the furthest from deserving that honour.

Today I stared at a 8 month old and demanded he go to sleep. I spoke to him in a tone that I wouldn't dare speak outside the walls of my home.
Today I read stories to three toddlers. I read them rushed and with no energy. I sucked the fun out of story time because I was tired and needed a break.
Today I lost my cool. The kids were demanding my attention in 4 different directions. The baby was strapped to my chest having a melt down because he was exhausted and three toddlers grabbed at me. I lost it. I was counting to ten trying to cool down and stay patient but it truly wasn't doing anything to help my mind calm down. So it decided on a different route. A route that I am not proud of. I threw a hissy fit. I stomped my feet and screamed at the top lungs. It was a full out horror movie scream. I was mad and everybody and nobody. I was frustrated and cornered.
I scared all the kids and immediately regretted my reaction. I apologized and reassured them all that it wasn't anyone's fault and that I was simply feel frustrated.

But there was no doubt that I was feeling far from super mom.

Then we walk to the school and see our bus driver friend, and he hands me a gift. It is a medal that say 'supermom award' and a picture of us he took last week. We all looked so happy.
He truly has no idea how important that was.
How it made me feel and made me think.
That gentle and kind man dug me out from a pit of self loathing.
He made me believe that I am not alone and that there is love all around me.

Right now I still don't feel like super mom but I do feel better.

The universe works in magical ways, teaching (when I am willing to be taught) that there is love and support waiting for me. That it will be there whenever I am ready to love myself and realize that I am not nearly as 'horrible' as I feel I am.

"A human being is part of a whole, called by us the Universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty." -Albert Einstein


Much love,

Jessica

From all small things...

My brain has been in overdrive.

Ideas have been simmer for quite some time.
Stewing and bubbling waiting patiently for the moment when all the flavours come together in perfection.

The time has come.
I am ready.

I can say 'I am ready' with conviction. But it has been hard to come to this place.

It has been a struggle.
A struggle with my ego.

It took some time and personal growth to get past 'it'.
I had to stomp out the negative self talk.

I kept hearing and believing,
" what makes you good enough?"
" what do you have to say that is really important enough for people to listen to. "
" who says you have any skills people want to learn."

Well ego, I say I can. And I am in charge.

I say I have skills.
I say I can teach them.
I say I am capable.

I am ready.
I want to teach.
I want to help people.
I want to share the knowledge I have been blessed with.

I have developed workshops.
Some for kids.
Some for 'mama's'.
Some for families.
All with the intention to help people live more connected and joyfully.

I have planned two workshops for March.

The first one is 'Clear minds' for preschoolers. It will be on Sunday March 10th from 3:00 pm till 4:00 pm. It is a combination of yoga, guided meditation, creative play and storytelling. All designed for 2-4 year olds. The intention is too allow our children to relax, calm and slow down, hopefully allowing them to connect to their creative and imaginative potential.

The second workshop is 'meditation for moms'. A meditation workshop designed for 'mama'. It is on Wednesday March 20th at 8:00 pm. It is a time for quiet, serenity and peace. The intention of the workshop is to allow 'mom' to reconnect to herself and leave with some tools on how to take the time each day for herself.

Each workshop is $10.00 and is being held at my home.
I am so excited about them!

If you are at all interested, email me at jessicakennedy1985@gmail.com

I intend for great thing to happen :)

"From small beginnings come great things." -Proverb

Much love,
Jessica


( The space were tranquility will occur :)

Feelings of firsts

This was a great weekend.
It was jammed packed with super awesome 'soul nourishing' events and moments.
A gong meditation to fuel my spirit.
Babysitting our great friends daughter while they enjoyed a much needed date night.
A quiet and much needed breakfast at my parents.
First 'real' crawls by my little man.
Some great quality time with my family, which included watching my husband teach my daughters to play Wii bowling. I love seeing them basking in the 'awesomeness' of their daddy, and almost just as much, I love seeing my husband shine in his role with the kids.
And if all that awesomeness wasn't enough, I got to do one of my favourite things, see a movie solo.

I went to see 'safe haven'.
It is the type of movie I tend to see alone.
Impossibly romantic, heart wrenching, and powerfully emotional.

It was typical Nicolas Sparks adaptation, predictable and very familiar, and I loved it.

I left the movie feeling reminiscent and romantic.
I was reminded of first times and the feelings that come with them.

First time he grabs your hand and caresses your palm with his thumb. How if made your heart flutter and your words disappear.

The first kiss and how he tasted faintly like scotch mints. How his embrace enveloped you with a feeling of pure safety and love like you had never experienced before.

The first time he said 'I love you' and how your world seemed to stop turning for that moment.

The first time you made up after a big fight, and you said you would never fight again, knowing you would fight again but it was ok because fighting with him was better then not having him.

The first time you knew he was the one. The straw to your berry, the apple to your pie, the peanut butter to your jelly. The other half to your soul.

I was reminded.
And how easy it is to forget.
To put away those extraordinary feelings, allowing them to simmer in the back of our psyche.

This weekend the fire in my soul was relit.
I am blessed to have been reminded.



"How far away the stars seem, and how far is our first kiss, and ah, how old my heart." -William Butler Yeats

Much love,

Jessica

(He is the peanut butter, to our PB & J sandwich :)

A closet full of joy

I posted a picture earlier today.
The picture below.
My beautiful girls dressed in their own creations.

Charlotte in her favourite tee shirt. A cute tee with a picture of people carrying umbrellas in the rain. It is embellished with some gold and silver glitter. She matched it with a pair of stretchy jeans and a tutu. She wanted her hair to be up, with clips in it.

Chloe found a pair of pink tights and her 'sun' tee shirt. It is her favourite. She says it looks like the sun and summer. She was insistent she wanted her hair down with a head band. The way her hair was naturally falling was flipped out. It resembled a vintage hair style. She had a very 60's style to her today.

I asked my girls why they chose these outfits. They simply told me it was their favourite stuff and they liked it.
It made them happy.

I was thinking about it all day.

I want to dress like that.

A tee shirt that reminds me of summer.
Colourful skirts because they make me feel like a princess.
My favourite stuff on, just to make me happy.

Simply dress in a way that produces pure joy!

My girls didn't think about if what they chose was the most stylish choice or did they worry about their outfits ability to flatter their bodies. They don't think like that. Their minds are too pure. They have not been jaded yet by our society and its obsession on negative body image. They are not yet trying to maintain the impossibly high standards set for woman.
They only know how they feel and act on it accordingly.
Innocent and pure.

Oh, To feel that freedom of choice.
To know that lightness.
To have the monkey off our backs.
You know that monkey, that nagging presence telling us we are not good enough
How exhilarating that must be!

I want that freedom. To be able to own my choices and act purely and innocently.


"If most of us are ashamed of shabby clothes and shoddy furniture, let us be more ashamed of shabby ideas and shoddy philosophies. . . . It would be a sad situation if the wrapper were better than the meat wrapped inside it."
-Albert Einstein

Much love,

Jessica

Illuminating love

Valentines day.
Love.
Romance.
A holiday for lovers.

My lover, my husband, has never been a big valentine's day contributor.
He does not seem to like to be told when he has to express his love. He likes to do things on his own time, at his own speed.
I completely respect that.

He is great at surprising me with displays of his affections.
He is also very good at being loving and kind when it is really needed.

Today is not my day 'for lovers'.
Today is going to be a day for self- love.
I need to take a lesson from my husband and be kind and loving when it is really needed.
Right now.

I am my worst critic.
I am great at hurting my own feelings.
Self doubt and inadequacies riddle my mind, poisoning it with anger and frustration.
Today I am going to take a day to love me.
Be my own biggest fan.
Present myself in a way that shows the world that I know I am worth it.
Worth all the love the universe has for me.
I am spending my day loving me.
Teaching my kids to love who they are. To cherish every inch of their beautiful souls.
I am going to let the love radiate off of me, illuminating everyone in my life.

Let the love pour down.

"A loving heart is the truest wisdom." -Charles Dickens

Happy Valentines Day!

Much love,
Jessica

Princess at heart

In our house, the phrase "act like Cinderella" has become a very common one.
I use it, the girls use it.
It has become our shared mantra.
Let me explain to you how a woman who struggles with the idea of being saved has come to terms with her inner princess.

My little princesses were becoming quite rude. Hitting, stealing toys, yelling and bullying each other. The behaviour was wearing me down. I was asking them to stop, telling them to stop, yelling at the to stop, and giving time outs. Nothing was working.
I felt like I was the epitamy of the quote "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
It was all becoming a little insane.
I needed a new method, a new approach.
One day after a weekend of watching Cinderella (1,2 and 3) I had a epiphany.
I would use their love of Cinderella to my advantage.
I took my 'guns a blazing' three year olds and sat them down for a heart to heart. I explained to them that Cinderella was a very nice girl. She was nice to everyone even if they were not nice to her. She had compassion, patience, love and joy in her heart.
As I explained, they were gazing up at me with eyes full of pride and respect for the princess they love.
I proceeded to describe the step sisters. They were bullies and acted in very hurtful ways.
I asked them who they wanted to act like, Cinderella or the step-sisters, and to try to remember to 'act like Cinderella' if they felt like doing something mean.
They seemed to leave our conversation understanding some of what I said.
I even heard them talking to each other on how to act more like Cinderella while sharing their toys.

I was happy and a little to 'cocky'.
I was on my high horse of 'awesome mama'.
I was thinking to myself
'Hell ya! You Rock! Nice way to squash nasty three year old behaviour! Mom of the year award should go to me!'
I was feeling pretty high and mighty about myself.
A few days later, I was in quite a state and losing my temper.
I was turning into 'Hurricane Jess' (a name my lovely husband has given my 'moods'.)
As I am stomping around the house in a blur of frustration and stress, only passing these feelings on to anyone who gets into my way, I was stopped by my daughters.

'Act like Cinderella' Chloe whispered
'Dont be a bully mama' Charlotte says as she looks up at me

In that moment I was kicked of my high horse, covered in mud and humbled.
I was preaching to them, trying to teach them, all the while forgetting my own insight in my life.
Thank you my beauties for reminding me that having a little princess in you can be a good thing. Even for a strong mama.

Much love,

Jessica

Strength in simplicty

You touch his hand,
Reach up for a kiss.
Your great grandpa,
A name you are truly blessed to say.
He smiles at you,
Something that can be hard to get him to do these days.
He loves you, even if his memory lapses who you are.

Watching your interactions is a joy.
Such intense emotion shared,
Transferred to each other through simplicity.
Simple touch and simple looks.
You teach me everyday,

Today's lesson being the importance of simplicity and strength of honest love.

Much love,
Jessica

Where we start

These last few weeks have been intensely life changing.

So many moments in which I felt my spirit grow.

So many times I knew that my soul was basking in light, and drinking it all in.

I have forged a new pathway for my journey.

A pathway that leads to life I want  to live.

It has been hectic and intense time, filled with frustration, tears, smiles and joy.

It has been exhilarating and exhausting.  

It has been true and honest. It feels completely right.

To begin, I got great news.

The biopsy results came back. Everything is ok.

Deep sigh of relief.

and with that came a new outlook.

The fear put me in a ‘new space’.

A space of gratitude and joy for the moments I take for granted.

The deblitating fear was a a blessing.

A blessing  and a reminder to see my life as an ever-changing tapestry of joyful moments

and to allow myself to grateful for all I have been given.

I also was able to achieve a dream of mine.

We were given the amazing opportunity to move into my grandparents home.

A home I have loved forever.

A home that holds so many of my memories.

Not only is this now my grandparents home and the home my mother and uncles were raised in, but is also becomes our home.

I get to share the honor of calling this space 'ours'.

This is the home that we will grow in.

The home that will nurture my family.

These walls hold the our stories.

The love that was made here by my family.

All of us have roots here.

Memories here.

This house holds deep within in it the giggles and play of children,

my mother and her brothers, 

myself, my sisters and my cousins, 

as we would have ran down the halls in joy.

Loving and laughing.

Basking in the happiness of our innocence and contentment.

I feel this as I see my kids laugh and play here.

Content and whole.

Innocent and  joyful in way that only children can be.

My children know this house holds fun. 

This house holds happiness. 

They sense the joy here.

Their giggles and laughs join the ones from children past who have called this place home.   

This house holds love. 

The love my grandma and grandpa cultivated, deep rooted love. 

Strong and powerful love that held this family close.

I feel that love like a warm embrace.

A hug and a squeeze.

Keeping me safe.

Keeping my family strong.

I know that the presence of their love is here and is always around me.

I feel it in this house.

This is the house we will grow old in.

Where we will raise our children.

Where we will live our lives to their fullest potential.

I have been blessed to have the opportunity to live here.

In this sacred space.

In the place where it all began.

Home is where one starts from

-T.S Elliot

Much love,

Jessica

'The woman in me' cannot be taken

Two years ago I found a lump. 

A lump on my breast. 

I had an ultrasound then, and was told everything looked OK and to come back for a follow up. 

Life happened and I got distracted and forgot to follow up. 

I got pregnant again, had a baby boy and was busy raising twin toddlers. 

A few months ago I mentioned my follow up ultrasound to my doctor and was booked an appointment in December. 

A week before Christmas, I got a call from my doctors office saying that the ultrasound was inconclusive and I would need to biopsy the lump to see if it was cancerous. 

Biopsy. 

Cancer. 

I was told that the chances of it being cancer in a woman as young as me is rare. 

I was told that it was more then likely going to turn out to be benign. 

I was told most likely all would come back clear, but we needed to check to be safe.

More then likely. 

But what if likely was not my story?

What if it was something bad?

Something scary?

Something that could take me away from all I love.

I tried to keep together. 

I tried to be my own rock.

My own support.

I tried to shield those closest to me from the fear I was experiencing. 

I tried to shield them from the words 'biopsy' and 'cancer'.

That was impossible. 

I was scared and nervous. 

I was exhausted from wresting with my subconscious. 

I was trying hard to stop it from taking me to that 'that dark place' of fear. 

The fear of the cancer and what it could take from me.

I ended up taking my frustration and anxiety out on my loved ones. 

I was distant and 'snappy'.

I was angry. 

Angry that this was happening and angry at my breasts and body.

My body had 'failed me' earlier this year with Cantons birth and the rupture of my uterus.  

With that experience, I had lost the ability to (safely) have any more babies. 

Now my breasts were 'failing me'.

I avoided talking or even thinking about my upcoming procedure. 

I distanced my self from the reality.

I refused to write about it. 

Scared that acknowledgement would make it real.  

And that the realness of it all would break me. 

So I pushed it all away. 

The feelings of fear and resentment.

I pushed them all to the back corner of my soul. 

And soon I forgot about it.

Today arrived and I awoke to the memory of my upcoming appointment. 

Today at 10:15 am, I would have to remember. 

My mom took me. 

Not letting me be alone in my fear.

We got there early. 

Tried and succeeded in not talking about the upcoming experience.

I was eventually ushered into a small ultrasound room. 

A room that looked all too familiar. 

A room that reminded me of many experiences before. 

Positive experiences of my pregnancies. 

The first time I heard a heartbeat. 

The first time I saw two little bodies entangled together.  

The miraculous ultrasound when I saw Canton's pulsing heart beat on the screen after a night of bleeding and being told that we had lost him.

Those ultrasounds that were all mine in my womanly glory. 

The ultrasounds, that as a mother, I will never forget. 

These memories put me in my 'happy place'.

With and open heart and loving acceptance.

As I lay in the procedure room, topless and eyes closed, it began.

The radiologist was taking a biopsy of my left breast. 

The breasts that were a part of me as a woman.

Just as the previous experiences in rooms similar brought me closer to my 'womanly essence',

 this experience did the same thing. 

Brought me closer to the 'woman in me'. 

The fear and anger left me. 

Flew away like debris on a windy day. 

I was not angry anymore. 

I was not resentful towards my body. 

I didn't see this as another attack on the 'bits' of me that were woman. 

I realized that 'the woman in me' rested deep in my soul.

And that its wasn't taken away from me. 

That it couldn't be taken away from me.

My 'woman power' was in my children.

In our joined experiences. 

It was intertwined my my life path.

In the actions of my love. 

It was strong in me,

 no matter how my body reacted. 

And I felt joyful. 

Weird, I know, but it is the truth.

I felt strong and powerful. 

It was all going to be OK, because no matter what I was being given the truth. 

I was allowing myself to be vulnerable. 

And letting go of my fear. 

I left the hospital feeling lighter then I had in weeks.

I was  ready to let go. 

Be vulnerable and open. 

And whatever the result are (I should know in 2 and 1/2 weeks) 

I am ready to accept the truth with an open heart. 

"In the deepest, darkest of hours is often when things become the brightest"

Much love, 

Jessica

joyful immersion

For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is "I didn't get enough sleep." The next one is "I don't have enough time." Whether true or not, that thought of  'not enough' occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it. 

We spend most of the hours and the days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining or worrying about what we don;t have enough of ...

We don't exercise enough

We don't have enough work

We don't have enough profits

We don't have enough power 

We don't have enough wilderness

We don't have enough weekends

We don't have enough money- ever. 

We are not thin enough. 

We're not smart enough, 

we're not pretty enough or fit enough or educated or successful enough, 

or rich enough-ever. 

Before we even sit up in bed, before or feet even touch the floor, we are already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something. And by the time we go to bed at night, our minds race with litany of what we didn't get, or didn't get done , that day. 

We go to sleep burdened by those thoughts and wake up to the reverie of lack...

What begins as a simple expression of the hurried life, or even the challenged life, grows into the great justification for an unfulfilled life. 

- Lynne Twist (The Soul of Money)

I read this passage today. 

It made me feel. 

Strong and intense feelings. 

I recognized and connected to these words. 

I read it again and again.
over and over.

I know I  'go there' to often; to the place of inadequacies and failure. 

I know I have mastered that role.

The self deprecating woman.

A woman who wishes she wasn't but always is striving to 'fit in'

A woman who can quite quickly be thrown down from her 'happiness high horse' by sight of someone else's  bigger and prettier home, nicer furniture, fancier car, well behaved children or more expensive and stylish wardrobes.

A woman who compares, judges and breaks down. 

A woman who hides behind her eccentric personality to mask the feelings of shame for not being enough. 

A woman who believes she is sometimes not worthy of all the blessing she has been given. 

  

This is a dangerous place. 

A place of darkness. 

It is hard to see our beauty, 

our adequacy, 

our incredible and unique imperfection, 

when we are wallowing in the dark. 

Just by reading the words of Lynne Twist and realizing that I am not alone in the feeling of 'not enough', 

I realized that I am enough. 

I started in darkness and ended in light. 

I was shown my beauty. 

I felt empowered with the knowledge that I can choose the intention. 

I can choose to feel satisfied. 

I can choose to be grateful. 

I can choose to feel joyful. 

I am joyfully immersing myself into a world of uncertainty. 

A world of imperfection.

A world where I am enough. 

Much love, 

Jessica

A soul illuminated by love

Your all I ever needed.

 

 

Resolutions.

New Years.

I don't usually take this time of year seriously.

I have never really thought about the new year and what it signifies for me.

I am usually just happy to see the holiday 'hustle and bustle' over, allowing me to go back to normal life again.

This year has already been different.

This year I have been thinking quite a bit about what I want to 'change' in my life for 2013.

I have been meditating, journaling and reading.

Simply connecting to me.

I have been 'laying low' in my own thoughts, hoping to discover where I want and need to spend my energy working on this year.

Hoping to find the answer for what I need to do to make this my year.

My year for conscious living.

My year for being here happily.

Through this process of self discovery, I realized something important.

I don't want to change anything.

I love me.

I love my life.

My fateful path has taken me to this place.

My individual and incredible journey.

I want surrender to this journey.

Allow it to unfold organically.

 

Surrender was my answer.

I simply want to work on surrender.

Surrendering to being a conscious member of this universe.

I want to let go of the baggage holding me down.

I want to be free of restriction, judgements and limitations.

I want to be authentic in my imperfection, without trying to please expectations.

I want to be honest, respectful and loving. Always. To myself and to the world around me.

I want to let go of judgements.  Listen more. Judge and assume less.

I want to have fun. Let go of my restrictions and rules. Smile and Laugh. I want to be excited for each day and all the possibilities that lay ahead.

I want to connect to my spiritual 'side'. Go to church. Meditate. Do yoga. Show my children through action the strength of a strong spirituality.

I want to connect with my body. Nourish it. Move it. Respect it.

 

 

 

 

I feel strong.

I feel ready to conquer this year with strength that will resonate into all aspects of my life.  Making me a more loving wife, respectful parent, attentive sister and daughter and available friend.

I am ready to let the waterfall of happiness fill the cups all around me.

“Those who are truly enlightened, those whose souls are illuminated by love, have been able to overcome all of the inhibitions and preconceptions of their era. They have been able to sing, to laugh, and to pray out loud; they have danced and shared what Saint Paul called 'the madness of saintliness'. They have been joyful - because those who love conquer the world and have no fear of loss. True love is an act of total surrender.”

-Paulo Coelho (by the river piedra I sat down and wept)

Much love,

Jessica

Simple

It has been a stressful two weeks.

I have been distancing myself from everything.

Keeping my life arms length.

Keeping my space.

Staying in my protective bubble.

Locked away from life and its experiences.

I am simply going through the motions.

 

It is unhelathy.

It makes me feel angry, frustrated and lost.

 

I needed a moment to snap me back. Bring me back to my life.

 

And it happened last night.

 

I was driving home after running some errands.

I was in the car alone. Hungry and grumpy.

I was frowning and feeling sorry for myself.

 

Then it hit me.

I talk big and read all these quotes and books on how to be the person I want to be. It has been drilled in my head that I have to power to be who I want.

I can put out into the world what I want to recieve back. 

I can manifest happiness.

I know these truths but I do not know the practice of these truths.

 

and the practice of this honest life is what is needed.

Not just the knowledge but the life lived in pure truth and happiness.

 

It only took a moment, but it was as if someone layed it out for me.

The red carpet, leading me to it.

Simplicity.

It is just that.

 

It is not complex or difficult to achieve.

 

It is a matter of stopping the cycle of over analysing and smile.

Simply smile.

 

 

I started to laugh.

Loud and happy giggles emerged.

 

I felt light, excited and I smiled. Hard.

 

I told myself that if I just kept on smiling I could feel happy all the time.

I could 'fake it till I make it'.

 

It helped.

It made it ok.

 

It made the stress go away. For that moment, I was light. I was free.

I was smiling.

 

 

 

Breath in, Breath out

one minute at a time.

 

I choose to be happy.

I choose to smile.

 

 

 

I wish you all a wondeful winter solstice. I will be celebrating tonight with some great friends.

Food, drinks and a night together is exacly what is needed on this stormy winter night.

I will try and write again before christmas, but if not, I wish you all a Merry Christmas.

Remeber to smile.

 

Much love,

 

Jessica

lighting my inner spirit aflame

I am blessed with wonderful woman in my life.

I have an abundance of feminine energy surrounding me.

I know how extremely fortunate I am to have these beautiful and strong woman around me.

 

There are three woman who have coming to my thoughts much more lately.

Three woman who I have been so lucky to have in my life for over 15 years.

 

These ladies are strong.

They are beautiful.

 

We are different.

All of us. But that is what is lovely about us coming together and growing along side each other.

We bring such wonderful dynamics and energy to our relationship.  

We fit like a puzzle.

Mold together fludily.

With no resistance.

 

Our relationship ia amazing.  

It is always growing and developing but like no other 'female-friendship' relationship in my life. We are changing all the time. These woman are so integral in my life that I am never afraid to be my true self in front of them.

I never feel judged.

I never feel belittled.

I never feel unimportant.

 

These beautiful souls have filled up my confidence. They make me feel strong, they make me reach out and find who I am really am. They push me to honor my 'true' self

Wordlessly they let me know that no matter what, they will choose to stay around.

 

It is hard to honor your deepest being. Your true existence.

It can be quite a battle to be OK with who you really are and what your true path is.

We seem to try so hard to please. We strive to be accepted. To stick within the 'norm'.

It can make is extremely frightening to listen to the dialogue that lets us know who we really are. It can be hard to follow that given path.

 

It is made significantly easier by the existence of trusting and loving people in your life to let you know they still love you. 

To be filled with such acceptance is intensly uplifting.

 

I know.

Because on top of my loving family who seems to accept all variations of me, I have these friends.

These lovely and accepting friends.

 

I love you. That is somethng I don't tell you enough. I do love and honor you as the individuals that you are and the group we create. Thank you for your presense in my life and your affect on who I am becoming.

 





 

 

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.

Albert Schweitzer

 

Much love,

 

Jessica

small warrior

The poem below describes my discovery under the light of the full moon.

During guided meditation I realized I was not alone.

The Healing can continue with a new companion.

 

 

 

 

Small warrior

 

Her clear blue eyes stare up at me

Tears dripping down her cheeks

She is beautiful

 

The pain is there

She is transparent to me

 

I feel her every pore

Her presences frightens me

Makes me feel in ways I am not sure if I am ready for

 

She tell is it is over

It is time to move on

Time to heal

 

The white dove has come

Made its home amongst us

True and honest in its existence

 

Peace

Tranquility

 

This is what she tells me I need

This is what I know I desire

 

Desire, I might but how do I reach it?

How do I get there?

 

She tells me she is here to stay

as long as she is needed

As long as it takes

 

I understand her endurance

I accept her love, for the first time

 

She follows me into the darkness of my psyche

The darkness scares me

She tells me 'without darkness, there is no light'

 

Though she is small, she is a warrior

 

She holds my hand and strokes my hair.

 

My instinct is to hold her and care for her.

My initial reaction is to take all of her into me and fix her.

 

It comes to me,

In nurturing me, she is mending her own deep wounds.

 

Breath in, breath out

We grow

Breath in, breath out

I let go

 

We are on our journey

 

She is in me.

She is me.

 

My inner child.

Beautiful little girl.

 

 

 

Much love,

Jessica

 

(Thank you Kelly for helping me to find this beautiful little girl. You are a gifted woman. Thank you for bringing us together.)

My radiant mother

Yesterday was my birthday.
It was 'my' day.
A day to celebrate me.
Simply put, a day to honor the life I created.
As a good friend said to me, "This is your year Jess. Let 27 be the beginning of your masterpiece. You are amazing."
That is how yesterday made me feel.
It was a day to proclaim, this is my year. It all starts from here!

But it is more then that.
It is a day to celebrate my mama.
My birth transformed a beautiful young woman into a radiant and strong mama.
My birth allowed a young woman to begin her journey.
November 26th 1985 was a day in which she  became a 'mama'.

I am her first child.
Her first baby.
One of her baby girls.
I take after her.
All that she loves and all that she wishes was different about herself are in me.
We have a bond, the intense and overpower bond of mother and daughter.
Something so primal and lovely.
A connection that cannot be broken.
Twenty seven years ago, she was learning how to walk in the shoes of a mother with me in her arms.
My birth was a catalyst to her life progession. To become the woman she was meant to be.
She was slowly moving away from that young woman she was and grow into the beauty of her motherhood.
Oh, how blessed I am to have grown with her.

My mother is incredible.
Simply amazing, she has over filled her shoes with motherhood.
In the face of hardship and battles, she triumphed. She stood strong as warrior mama.
She is the definition of what I want to be 27 years.
How I feel for her is what I want to experience from my own daughters.
My birthday is not about me.
It is about her and what she has allowed me to become.
Her incredible exsistence and growth has made me become the woman and mother that I am.

"The older I get, the more I see the power of that young woman, my mother."
-Sharon Olds

much love,

Jessica

Beauty in the shadows

I received a message from a good friend of mine. She is a mama of three little ones all surrounding the ages of my little ones. We were drawn to each other by our own similar battles.

I met my lovely friend at a playgroup last year. We clicked. I enjoyed her company and the kids enjoyed each other. It was a good fit.

My mama friend was on her Mat leave when we started hanging out. 

It took a few months for us to go from 'playgroup acquaintances' to 'playdate buddy'. 

The girls and I loved playdates with our fun new friends!

But unfortunately for us, it wasn't long before she had to go back to work full time, as her mat leave had run out.

Needless to say, balancing a full time job and home life with your kids is a tough job. 

It leaves very little space for personal time and your own desires.

With that said, I have not seen my friend in sometime.

 I have missed seeing her but I understand whole-hearted how tough it is to fit more into an already packed life.

 

 

Receiving the message from her was nice.

I was excited to be able to touch base again with my beloved friend.  

But she seemed stressed, torn and apologetic in her message.

She was apologizing for being absent.

 She was stressed with how tough it was to balance.

She seemed torn in being her kids mama and losing her self to it.

She seemed to be feeling the overwhelming stress of trying to be yourself  (the friend, wife, and woman you are ) and being the best mama for your children. 

 

 

I read her email again and again. I thought long about how she was doing. How she was feeling and how she was coping.

I know all us mama's have been there at one point in 'Our journey through motherhood'.

We have all been standing on that cliff bellowing for the lost soul that was our former self.

In the midst of the panic of a lost one, we lose sight. We lose the big picture.

 

As an outside spectator of her battle, I was able to see that her 'former self' was not lost but only hiding.

It is only hidden in the giant shadow of her mama persona.

She is an incredible mother and that dominates her life. She wants what is best for her kids and she battles to do right by them. Her inner mama is strong and has taken on a 'golaith' persona in her.

But 'she' is still there, hidden amongst the shadows.

As we are all still there.

The beautiful woman that we are and will always be.

 

Our amazing bodies fostered and delivered new lives to this world and with that came the birth of 'mama'. The new component of our inner being. A part in us that is strong, resilient, stubborn and overpower. It is a strong force in us that simply overtakes.

But our 'mama force' is like anything new. It takes time to get 'used' to is power. It takes time to balance it's relationship with the rest of our being.

The task of 'balance' is constant. It is always with us.We are always stacking, shifting and placing within us to create a sense of harmony in our lives.

Some days it is hard but I promise you are doing amazing.

Your beauty will prevail.

 Mama solider, you will triumph.

 

When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.

-Sophia Loren

My sister and me. Prior to the birth of 'mama'. Somedays she seems lost, but I know that beautiful woman is still within me.

 

 

Much Love,

Jessica

Hello, my name is Jess and I am a less than perfect mama!

Last night was a tough one.
I felt done!
Exhausted, wrote off and completely drained of all 'nice' qualities that I can posses.
I was an impatient and grumpy shell of my former self.

It all went sideways at dinnertime.
The kids and I had gone for a walk. We arrived back at the 'humble abode' at 5:00 pm. It was a beautiful walk.
It was a gorgeous afternoon,  just my little ones and I. I felt so free and happy on our fun little adventure across town.
Then I walked into my warm and cozy kitchen. I realized how tired I was. I was so tired.
I was also on my own. Court had gone to the gym.
DAMN!
These kids needed to be fed, bathed and put to bed.  It took all my energy just to get my Ugg boots off. The task at hand seemed daunting and only put me in a worse mood.

How was I suppose to rummage up a suitable meal?
Could I throw a bag of Cheetos at them and call it a night?
And why was it when that frosty and fun walk that made me feel so tired, only lit the torch under the asses of my children?
Canty napped on our walk and was ready and raring to go once we were home, and Chloe and Charlotte appeared like they had eaten a bag of sugar, each.
So much energy!
So little left in me.
I turned on my favourite tool of distraction, the television.
I plunked three little kids in front of 'Little Einsteins'  and waddled slowly to the kitchen to prepare the best meal of my life....
Cream Cheese and Ham wraps with cucumbers. 

In my 'mom book', I was feeling guilty for copping out of  dinner, making such a simple supper. But to my girls it was the best dinner ever. They weren't be forced to eat their veggies (Cucumbers are the only veggie they eat willingly.) And they love wraps.
You would think that the fact that they were happy with my dinner would put me in a great place, but it only lead my exhausted mind to think the 'bad things' like..

Why the heck do I try and make good wholesome food when all you want to eat is wraps?

I knew after that moment that I was going to be naturally drawn into frustration and self pity. That was were the night was going, and I was too tired to stop it.
The freight train of self destruction was barreling over me and it was too much for my self worth to push the brakes.

Bath time had the same flow to it as dinner did.
A frustrated and tired mama with three kids who were full of beans.
I did not see the joy in splashing water everywhere, I just saw a mess. 
I didn't hear the fun in their sequels, I just heard to much noise.
And I hate to admit this one but I didn't even see the joy in my favorite bedtime routine, the post bath massage. I just saw it as something else I had to do.

I was in bad place last night. It was rough. I knew it, my husband  sensed it and my kids felt it.

I finally got everything aligned for going to bed. Canty was asleep, the twins were tucked in and I was feeling awful. I was mean and grumpy. My poor kids were taking the brunt of my frustration. They seemed like they knew they were walking on egg shells.

I knew I had to do something to make this better, for me and for them. I decided to climb into bed with Chloe and Charlotte.
We had some good cuddles and some kisses. I smelt the sweet fragrance of lavender on my girls. I felt the warmth of their little bodies as the three of us curled up in their princess bed. Chloe's tiny little hand stroked my hair and I knew that is was OK. They loved me, scars and all.
I apologized for being 'mean mama' and we were still in the simple moment of acceptance and love.
I felt better and I hoped they did too.

I realized that not every moment in parenthood has to be poetic and amazing.
It is OK that I most encounters with my children are not resloved in ways you would see in a 'how to parent properly' book. 
It can be messy.
There are awful moments.
Moments that you wish you could rewind.
Moments in which I think that I am such an awful mama's for letting the walls down and the whole world (including my kids) see all the s**t that I have bottled up.
But this is human nature.
No one is perfect.

And though I was a less then perfect mama last night, I feel better today.
The morning bring new light in the form of a fresh perspective and a good nights sleep.

 Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
- L.M Montgomery


Much love,
Jessica

live fully and tell about it- lessons of the weekend

This weekend has been full epiphanies.
It has been full of moments in which I was taught lessons, shown patience and trust and been told to remember my faith.
First came the moment of patience and trust that it will all work out.
Trust the universe (and my husband :)

I work Saturdays at an awesome store in downtown Almonte called "Soul Scents", I started working there about 6 weeks ago. I needed to find an outlet to feel 'adult', simply Jessica, not 'mama jess'.
The beautiful woman who runs the store, hired me, very easily as if fate meant for me to work there. It truly was meant to be and I love love love working there. Not only for the time to recharge 'me' but because the space has an amazing energy. I learn new and amazing stuff each week  and adore how much it is expanding my world.
Last week we had a 'situation' at home while I was working. Canty would not take his bottle, he cried for hours. My patient and loving husband was at his end. Canty doesn't take a bottle well, but it was terrible last week. I can only imagine what it was like in my house last Saturday. A screaming baby for hours and two toddlers running around. I am surprised he withstood it for as long as he did.
I was distraught in finding out how badly Canty fought being fed. Thoughts of having to stop working Saturdays were creeping into my mind. I was heartbroken. Court kept telling me that it would get better, he could handle it and I would be able to keep working at the store, but I was so worried. My mama instinct told me not to leave my little boy, but my desire and need to be 'me' told me to keep going.
I did not 'quit' or stop working Saturdays and went to my usual shift this week. I was being optimistic when I left, and even organized back up. I got my lovely grandmother to come by around lunch time to watch the twins while Court brought the baby up to the store to nurse for a few minutes.
Around lunch time I got a text. It was from Court, it read " not coming up. he had a great nap and is drinking his bottle. see you later. " I was over the moon with joy. My baby is OK without me. He did well. I was so happy!
 I trusted the universe and my husbands awesome 'daddy' skills and it all worked out.

The next lesson/epiphany I had this weekend came from my grandmother.
It was a lesson in being grateful, worrying less, and to have faith.
My girls had their first sleepover at their great grandmas house.
I was so worried. I was afraid my intensely passionate and active girls would break my grandma.
We got the girls ready and the anxious feelings stayed. I was worried, nervous for all three of them.
We got in the car and drove to grandmas.
It was then I got to see the most beautiful thing.
Three people who had joy, happiness and excitement radiating from them.
My grandmother was so excited for my girls. She was actually waiting by the door when we arrived in the driveway.
Chloe and Charlotte couldn't move fast enough to their grandmother.
They were all so happy.
They were so thrilled to be in the presence of one another.

It made me remember all the lovely nights I spent at my grandmothers.
The late night movies in her living room. I would lie on the floor while grandma sat in her chair and grandpa lay in the couch. We would stay up way past my bedtime feeling so tired and exhilarated in the same moment. I would fight the sandman just to have a few more moments in that living room with my beloved grandparents.
The smell homemade bread that wafted in each corner of the house. The delicious aroma of baking bread still brings me back to being 10 years old and eating peanut butter toast in the dim light of the oven lamp with my grandma.
The excitement of being in the presence of someone who seemed to have been everywhere and see everything. My grandma had skills in so many different areas and her knowledge astounded me.
I loved going to my grandmas house overnight and it was incredible to see that feeling mirrored in my own children.
I realized how blessed I was that my grandmother is still here and available  to love and nurture my kids as she did for me.

The last lesson I am aware of is a lesson in acceptance.
With the girls lovely night spent at grandmas and Court in the city for the night, Canton and I were left to our own devices.
We spent a 12 hours together, just the two of us.
He, in his usual way, woke up at 5:00 am, ready to conquer the day.
We went downstairs. I had coffee and woke up and he layed on the floor beside me watching baby Einstein. We passed some great mommy and babe time, till he got tired.
The first nap of the day for Canton is usually rushed and independant. The twins are usually up and needing food and fresh clothes by this time so Canty-boy is left to he own devices in the swing with his favorite blankie and soother to fall asleep. Today was different. I had no where else to be and nothing else to do so I cradled my little man to sleep listening to the rain and basking in the twilight of the morning glow.
The magic of the moment led me to really meditate inwards. To really think about this moment.
I had him in my arms, pressed up against my belly while I stroked his tiny face.
I realized in that moment to have acceptance.
I acepected my soft, pillow belly. The belly that expended and held my three babies. I let go of my hate for its less then flat appearance and accepted it. It is used a soft pillow for my kids. A place for them to feel comfortable and loved. A place in which my infant son can gently fall into sweet dreams.
I let of of my angered feeling about my hands. Mangled by eczema, they hurt and look so aged and chapped. They usually cause me alot of  pain and feelings of self conscious because of their appearance. I accepted them for what they are. They may not be perfect but they are the tool that allows me to stroke my sons face while he drifts off. To feel his soft skin as he melts his little body into mine. I accepted them because he sees nothing wrong with my mangled hands, he only feels the love emanating from them.

This weekend  has filled me with so much joy in my new acceptance and lessons. It has been lovely!

 

“Instructions for living a life.
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.” 

-Mary Oliver

 

Somebody reminded me of this picture, how I love its poetic appearance.

 

Much love,
Jessica