My twin girls are 8 and 1/2 monthes old. From the moment I met them I knew my life would never be the same, not only had I met the most beautiful little girls who I loved more then I actually thought was possible, I was now a mom. While I was pregnant I used the word mom so freely. (" can't wait to be a mom" "I am going to be the best mommy ever!"ect.) I didn't really undestand the strength of that word until I actually was given my two girls to hold and their lives were in my hands. For a while I wasn't quite sure if I was a good mom. I mean, people told me I was and that is was normal to feel inadequate when everything is all so new, but most times I just felt lost in the whole "mommy" world. I was so unberabley new to me. It scared me, I was just getting use to "Jess" now I had to be "Mommy Jess".
Let me paint you a picture of me before twins. I was a drama queen, I loved drama. I had been this way for as long as I can remeber. I loved hearing other peoples drama, I loved my own drama, I just loved drama! I would pick fights just to have the yelling match. I was a s*** disturber. I always wanted my way and would sulk if I didn't get it. I did my own thing whenever I felt like it. I loved my alone time. I enjoyed silence and loved to curl up on the couch on my days off and drift the day away reading a great book or watching great movies with court. I quickly learned that those qualties that I possessed did not jive well with infants.
The first three monthes of their lives I was a walking zombie. All new moms can atest to that. I did not care that I did not get to watch movies or have my alone time, or did I not worry about being a good mom, I was too damn tired to care about doing anything but functioning and making sure I kept my babies happy.
But once my beauties grew past that 4th trimester (the first 3 months of their lives) and became a little more like kids (aka: starting to sleep more at night and less in the day), and I was slowly becoming less zombie like, I started to miss the old me and my old life just a little bit. (Now let me make something clear, I loved my new life with the twins, but I was mourning something that was lost, and like any mourning period that was tough.)
I was starting to dwell on the past and trying to figure out ways to keep that old me alive while balancing a life with baby girls. That was frustrating. I was frustrated alot. Obviously babies do not care that you do not get that extra 30 minutes in the day to do a yoga class, check your emails or read your book. They are reactive. They react to how that are feeling, if they are hungry;they tell you, if they are tired;they tell you. This is all common sense, but when you are in a place where you just want it all (your old life with your undeniable freedom and you new life with two babies strapped to your hip) you can sometimes not see this. In this stage I just doubted my ability to be a good mom. I was always thinking people were judging me and my parenting style. I was constantly doubting myself. It was tough.
Slowly I just exhausted myself to a point were I broke down all those doubts, misunderstood concepts and judgements and started fresh. I realised that I am a mom, a good mom to my girls and that I can still be "Jess" just a new "Jess". I still have my interests and favorite things to do, but I just have a little less time to do them in and that is ok. I always have to remind myself not to try and do to much and just enjoy each moment with out trying to cross everything off of my to do list.
The girls helped me to mature. To change my selfish behaviours in to something productive and self-fulfilling. Maybe that is a part of what being a good mom is.
much love,
Jessica
