courage to lose sight of the shore

Life has been throwing me curve balls lately.

Isn't that how it works?

Right when you think you have it all planned out, the universe switches gears on you.

I know it will all work but I am afraid of the unknown.

I am afraid of not knowing how things will work out.

I am afraid of letting go of control, of just letting things work out the way they are suppose to.

I know it will all work out, if I am positive and put out into the world what I want out of the world, I know good things will come.

But why does it have to be so hard to surrender?

My controlling ways are getting the best of me.

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

-Andre Gide

Much love,

Jessica

What's your most embarrassing moment? Here's mine for today!

Today something embarassing happened to me.
In public.

Don't you hate when that happens?

So I had a full house here today, six kids including mine.
All things are running well, the kids are listening to me,
they are sleeping when they are suppose to,
eating what is on their plate,
it is actually quite wonderful.

So with all things going so smoothly, I think I got a bit 'cocky' in my child minding skills.


We decided to go on a late afternoon walk, slightly pushing it to pick up time but the kids were really excited to go. We were heading to the ball diamond where G.L Comba used to be.

The kids love it there and it is all fenced in so no worries on my end.

The oldest boy I babysit decided he wanted to scotter there, which was fine by me, he just had to remeber the rule: If he scotters, no asking jess to carry his scooter for him.

Anyways, back to the story, I had the youngest girl (one year) on my back in a backpack carrier, the twins in the stroller, the two boys walking and the oldest scottering. We were a train of people and the walk there was great. We got there, the kids ran around, we each had a cookie and we decided to head home for the mom's to pick up.

As we were walking home my girls decided that they wanted to walk.
Since the stroller was empty the three boys wanted to sit in the stroller.
Usually I would say no, but they were so good today I decided what the heck, if they wanted to all squeeze in the stroller (with the scooter) I would let them.

So off we go, finishing off our walk, and not far from home.
The boys, all our stuff and scooter in the stroller and twins walking along side me and the baby on my back.

We get to a street, not a crazy busy street but none the less a street.
I quickly decided what is my best bet here. I don't really have alot of options as I can't even squeeze the girls in the stroller since it is full to the brim.
I would usually sit them int he stroller to cross the road if I don't have enough hands to safely get them across.
So I decided to grab ahold of the girls hands in my one hand, and push the stroller in the second hand.
Risky, but here is where my cockiness kicks in.

All seems fine until Charlotte decides to sit down in the middle of the road and refuses to get up.
Chloe wants to keep going and I still am pushing the stroller, not alot of free hands to scoop Charlotte up and carry her across the road. I am slightly stuck for options!

I decide to let go of the stroller with my one hand, thinking I have the safety strap on my wrist like I usually do,but who forgot to put it on after putting the boys in the stroller?
This girl!

I forgot that I didn't have the safety strap on!

Now the stroller is rolling across the road and along the sidewalk and I have one little girl sitting in the road and another who has left my hand and is hightailing it to the sidewalk.

I honestly had no idea what to deal with first, so I quickly grabbed Charlotte, and ran to catch up to the stroller. Luckily I caught up fast enough for the boys not to notice, they just though we went for a little ride.
And thankfully Chloe made her way to the sidewalk and was chasing me all the way.

Did I mention I did all this with a one year old on my back?

Awful!
Embarrassing!

And to top it all off, two people that I know watched the whole thing occur.
They probably think I am a crazy babysitter!

So all evening I am thinking of how embarrassing this is and how I am a terrible babysitter for letting it happen, but I finally realized that is was an accident.
An awful one, but an honest ot goodness accident.
No one got hurt, I learned what not to do next time and all turned out ok.

It does not make me a terrible Child Care provider or person.
I make mistakes along the way, but with each one I learn from it.

It is like that with everyone.
We do embarrassing, stupid things and marinate about how idiotic of a person we are. We are our own worst enemy, making the situation much worse then it actually was.

but there is truly no use in that.

Move on.
Accept and learn.

It is the only way!


But I learned that there's a certain character that can be built from embarrassing yourself endlessly. If you can sit happy with embarrassment, there is not much else that can get to you

-Christain Bale

Much love,

Jessica

ps. I give you permission to laugh at my embarrassment. As I was writing it I realised that is sounds like a scene in an awful Jennifer Lopez comedy....If she ever did a movie about babysitting...

Here with you

 Here with you:

For Chloe and Charlotte

Where you are is where I am

No matter what I am here.

Always close behind,

to help along the way.

I promise not to pressure

or clutter you with me.

I am here to give you space

to be the who you want to be.

and love you completly all the way.

What a wonderful morning!

Enjoy your day with beauty and grace.

Much love

Jessica

the simple joy of a homemade fort

For most of you who know me know that now I am officially a child care provider.

I have 5 kids who join us during the week. I know it sounds crazy but honestly I love it.

Right now the two youngest are napping and I made a fort for the older ones.

It is a large sheet spread across 4 chairs.

Simple.

Easy.

And truly the most spectacular thing in these kids eyes.

I truly do not think I have seen these kids having so much fun!

The simple joys of being a child.

Life brings exciting new adventures every moment.

As a children we naturally seem to be excited about everything.

We notice the simple things that make life great.

Why does that change in adulthood?

Does it have to?

A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.  ~Bill Vaughan

Have a wonderfully fun afternoon!

Much love,

Jessica

I am going to be published!

I won a poetry contest!

I submitted my poem "Intuition a winter morning" to the Poetry Institute of Canada, and I recieved a letter today saying my poem is going to be published in their anthology.

My poem was picked to go ahead to the next level, and will be judged this winter. I have the posibilty of winning $500.

I don't even think that the chance of winning money is the most exciting thing. It is the fact that I will see my poem as a published piece of work.

And here is the soon to be published poem.....

Intuition on a winter morning

Written by: Jessica Kennedy

The cool air fills my lungs

Travelling down to my belly

Deep to my spirit

Deep to my soul

It recharges,

Fills me with fresh clarity

I trust you,

I say

I will listen to you

Believe in you

Love your choice

How can I not?

You know me best

Oh how happy I feel today!

Much Love,

Jessica

Autumn winds

I am ready for fall.

I find that things always seem to go back to 'normal' as soon as September comes around.

Summer is fun and eventful, but fall brings a sense of relaxation and calm.

The cool winds begin to cool down our firey busy lives and we chill out.

Autumn winds, I am ready for you.

No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace
As I have seen in one autumnal face.
~John Donne

Much love,

Jessica

Change

As I sit and write in my kitchen,

I feel the cool breeze of the coming fall air.

It refreshes me.

Cools my firing soul.

Allows me to slowly come back to earth.

Oh, how I love this time of year.

The slow progress of change with the change of seasons.

With fall approaching, I realise how important change is for me.

 physically and spiritually.

I love the promise of new days.

What is to come?

How lovely the thought of unknowns set before me.

How wonderful the idea of new challenges.

Change of any kind brings out so much in us all.

In me it brings out wonderment, excitement and joy!

Take hold of the power change brings!

live in awe of the coming wonders!

and you would accept the seasons of your heart as you have always accept the seasons passing over your fields and would watch in serenity through the winters if your grief

-Kahili Gabran

much love,

Jessica

After a while

After A While

After a while you learn the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean learning and
company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeat with your head
up and you eyes open, with the grace of an adult,
not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all you roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for
plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if
you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own
soul, instead of waiting for someone else to bring you
flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every good-bye, you learn...


- Veronica A. Shoffstall

Hope you enjoy this poem as much as I did.

Much love,

Jessica

truth

To be true,
So easy it sounds,
So hard to achieve.

To not give in or give up
To live as you feel
be who you are
free and real

lovely is the knowledge
that truth is always needed

Difficult is the job
to ensure what is right

We live through our actions
and love with our souls

Be true to yourself and let nothing withhold.

words of wisdom for you

I am gracing the pages with a wonderful quote I found in a coffee table book at 'Sage' spa in Appleton

 (I was just there getting a pedicure!)

Hope you enjoy these beautiful words.

Always direct your thoughts to those truths that will give you confidence, hope, joy, love, thanksgiving and turn away from those that inspire you with fear, sadness, depression."

-Bertrand Wilbertforce

Much love,

Jessica

mesmerized by the summer sky

It really wasn't until this year that I realized how much I hibernate in the winter in comparison to the summer months.

Summer is officially here and It seems like Court and I have filled our schedule with festival concerts, bbq's, and weddings.

It is shaping up to be a beautifully exciting summer.

This Saturday night was a "lets get out and have some fun" kind of night.

There is a wonderful outdoor music festival in Almonte called "Celtfest". 

Almonte hosts is every year in July, and if you are in to folk or Celtic music you will love it.

We decided to go to see the headliner band Saturday night. We hired a sitter and invited some friends to come with us and were on our way!

It was a gorgeous night to sit outside and listen to a great band.

We had a blast.

It was a relaxed and fun environment.

Great music, great weather and wonderful friends.

What more can you ask for?

The night progressed to a post Celtfest get together at our place.

It didn't end till 2 am.

The next morning my girlfriend and I were talking about how 'partying' seems so much different now as we get older.

It seems almost more fun.

We determined that is has to do with expectations.

In our younger years it seems like we expected every night to be EPIC!

We expected amazing stuff to happen and were more often then not disappointed when it was a less then stellar evening.

Now it seems as we get older, we expect nothing.

We get together with people we love to hang out with, have a few beers and relax.

It seems to lead to more amazingly fun nights.

Slightly off topic, but another friend of mine told us on Saturday night, that she loves to spend time with us because she loves who she is when she hangs out with us. She says she feel relaxed and mellow. She feels like herself.

When she said this I felt an amazing surge of happiness.

How better to see how you present yourself to the ones you love then to hear them say that you make them feel like themselves.

Their true and happy selves.

How amazing is it to know that you are someone that is enjoyable to be around.

I decided that it was one of the nicest things that anyone has ever said to me.

Thank you for an amazing weekend and wonderfully recharging experiences under the darkness of the summer sky.

To see the Summer Sky
Is Poetry, though never in a Book it lie -
True Poems flee.
~Emily Dickinson

Much love,

Jessica

precious journey

do you ever think that we zoom through our days trying to get to the finish line? Trying to hard to win the proverbial race?

Sometimes I miss or rush the precious moments that can attribute to the depth of beauty in my life. I push through these moments rushing to the next one. I want to clean off my to do list, follow my scheduale and get the day done. I lose the appreciation of the simpler things in life, only looking at the big picture.
I lose so much by not paying attention to the process. The journey is just as important as the desitnation.

Today and further more I will not rsuh my life. I will not look past the moments that here for me to enjoy. The precious moments that ground my soul and teach me who I ought to be.

Stranger sit and rest and dream

the noisy milstone turns no more

before you runs the restless stream

that seeks the ocean evermore

much love,

Jessica

come sit and dream

"Strangers, come sit and dream"

There is a quote like this written on a bench by the water in downtown Almonte. I read it today and though about how lucky I am to live amongst such beauty that allows me to dream to freely.

The beauty of the Mississippi, as it flows thought the heart of our town.

Of the the pouring waterfalls and lively streams.

Of the tree that line the streets, bring a  green presence to our space.

Of the eclectic downtown stores lining the historical streets.

Of the old buildings and homes that speak of our history.

Of the people who smile and help us along each day.

Yes stranger and friend alike, come sit and dream amongst the beauty in Almonte.

I truly miss you

I have been MIA most of the month, I miss my blog.
I will be back!
I don't enough time right now to write a full post, as I am off to work in 10 minutes but I will put a quote that I love and hopes it brings a ray of happiness to your rainy Saturday.

"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."
-Maya Angelou (I love her quotes, she is a very introspective lady!)

Much love,

Jessica

ps. I read 2 books this week,

The Memory Palace by Mira Bartok

And  Sisterhood Everlasting by Ann Brasheares

The Memory palace was an incredibly amazing book. It was poignant and heartbreaking. It was a story that touched my heart completely. I highly recommend it.

Sisterhood Everlasting was a "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" book. It was about the girls in their late twenties. I loved it. I read it in two evenings. It was good. A little more complex then the 'teenage' story and quite wonderful to read. I also highly recommend this book!

Poser. Wonderful read!

I loved Poser: my life in 23 yoga poses!

It felt a little like 'eat pray love', a woman's journey of discovery through the hoops of life, but I found it was much  more raw and real.

It also helped that the underlying theme was yoga and motherhood, two things that make up a good portion of my conscious psyche a the moment.

The author, Claire Dederer, is very honest on her views of female society and the development of motherhood through the generations.

The story takes a good look at her mother and how her parenting affected her.

It analyzed how she herself parented and how if affected her children, while continuously tying in yoga and is constant role in her life.

It was a wonderful read that made me feel great inside.

I feel that my view is biased as I seemed to relate quite easily with the author, but even if you don't feel that  you can relate to herthe style of story is quite humours

 and real.

Worth giving it a shot!

The studio was decorated in the style of Don’t Be Afraid, We’re Not a Cult. All was white and blond and clean, as though the room had been designed for surgery, or Swedish people. The only spot of color came from the Tibetan prayer flags strung over the doorway into the studio. In flagrant defiance of my longtime policy of never entering a structure adorned with Tibetan prayer flags, I removed my shoes, paid my ten bucks, and walked in . . .

Much love,

Jessica

beautiful creativity

I had a wonderful day yesterday.

Meaghan and I spent the day at the park with the girls, who loved being outside.

We played, ate lunch, we read books about organic skin care and went for a long walk.

Meg and I then divulged into our creative world and made some all natural homemade body washes and oils.

We created out own scents.

Mine was a blend of ylang ylang, lavender, and patchouli. It is a very calming and relaxing scent. I called it 'simply breath'.

Meg made one with lemongrass and Mandarin. Hers is very uplifting and energizing. I am not sure what she called hers, but I like the name 'wake up with the sun', as hers is a very uplifting scent.

We were going to 'le nordik' with my Mom and Emily, so we decided to bring our homemade wash and  oils with us.

First off, le nordik was wonderful.

Exactly what I needed.

And secondly bringing our homemade products was a wonderful idea.

I woke up this morning and my skin feels amazing.

Soft and smooth (even my hands!)

Mom and Emy seemed to enjoy them as well.

That made us feel good :)

Next project, make a baby balm for my kids!

Seems I have found another outlet to feed my creative juices to :)

Creativity represents a miraculous coming together of the uninhibited energy of the child with its apparent opposite and enemy, the sense of order imposed on the disciplined adult intelligence.  ~Norman Podhoretz

Have a wonderful day!

Much love,

Jessica

when you get lemons, make lemonde!

Court decided to go to the gym last night.

He wasn't going to go, but at the last minute he decided to go.

He had just finished bathing the girls and I was putting them to bed, so it was wonderful timing.

I had to hold in my excitement.

I didn't want to seem to eager for a night with out him, but I was rev ed up for some alone time.

Some nights I hate that he goes to the gym because it means no time for us to hang out.  (He is notorious for spending 2 hours on his workouts)

But last night I couldn't wait to have 2 glorious hours to myself to read, do some writing or just lie on the couch and watch TV.

I was excited!

The night was mine to enjoy.

Well he leaves, I get the girls to go to their cribs and....

BANG!

This crazy loud noise comes from the bedroom.

I go in to investigate, I am expecting the worst, you see we had just put in our air conditioner.

Last year I dropped or old air conditioner out the window, and I could not live down another crashing air conditioner on my watch.

Well luckily it is not the AC. It is sitting nicely in the window.

Instead I see that my book shelf has fallen over.

The frame is still standing but all the shelves are fallen off.

The books are strewn about the floor and it looks like a literary tornado has landed in my bedroom.

No body was in the bedroom, so nobody got hurt.

Good news there, but now my evening has gone out the window.

Not only to I have to figure out what to do about the book shelf, but now I have to find a home for all this stuff.

My anal personality immediately got to work organizing. No waiting for Court. I was doing this now!

I moved the book shelf to the hall and anchored it (I decided the book shelf (even anchored) was to flimsy for all my books, so I organized my books into sections like non-fictions, fictions, self help, yoga books, child rearing books, travel books and only put a few categories of books on the shelf along with some picture frames and candles to make it look pretty. ) , I moved a dresser into the bedroom so the book shelf would fit in the hall comfortably, piled the books on the dressers,  and cleaned up all the dust bunnies that showed their cute little faces while everything was being moved.

It looked good.

I had a pile of books I had been meaning to read and kept putting off, but they are now sitting nicely on dresser enticing me to read them this summer.

I was able to donate a good number of books (I would love to be the person who collects books but I just can't handle excess stuff enough to be that person)

It all worked out nicely.

As soon as it was done, I hopped in the shower and as I was coming out Court was just coming upstairs from his workout.

My evening did not work out the way I wanted but C'est la vie, I was happy either way!

Today is a day that wonderful things happen....

Why?

Because I have decided that wonderful things happen today!

What an incredible day!

I am without extra children today, just me and my girls.

That means I can take the car and head out on the open road.

I think we are going to head to the park.

Maybe Andrew Haydon, I haven't been there yet this year.

We have to get out on this beautiful day!

How incredible it is to watch the world lift up with a fantastic day.

How happy everything seems when the weather just rocks!

The sun, the birds, the summer.

What more can you ask for!

No matter what today, Smile.

Nothing can be bad when you have a day like today.

Nothing is so bad when you can control your reaction and emotions,

and today make it easy to be happy!

Smile, the sun smiles on you.

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you
-Maori proverb

 

Much love,

Jessica

live with purpose even when soaking wet

Happy rainy Saturday!

I don't have much to say today as I am heading to work in 10 minutes, but I wanted to post a wonderful quote that will give you good feelings for the day.

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

 I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

 I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.

 I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

 I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

 I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

— Maya Angelou

Have a wonderful day, whatever you are doing on this beautiful Saturday!

Much love,

Jessica

PS. As some of you who read my blog know, my mom was in the hospital this week. I am happy to report that she is doing OK and found out yesterday that it is no her heart causing her pains.
I love you mom!

Feel better soon :)

a summer facelift

A nice new face life for my blog!
I like it!
Cute and summery.
Hope you enjoy :)

books books books!

I have been reading like a mad woman!

In the last month I have finished reading "Sarah's Key"

 I read "Something Borrowed"

I read "Angry Housewives eating bon bons"

and I read "Tales from a Yoga Studio"

I have now moved on to "Poser: my life in 23 yoga poses"

I have been really happy with all the books this month.

I already talked about Sarah's Key and Something Borrowed, so I guess it is time to talk about the other two.

'Angry Housewives eating bon bons' is a fantastic book.

It made me thrive for more intense female camaraderie.

The book is about a book club that stays together for over 30 years.

Span from late 1960's to the late 1990's.

It show how woman adapt to the ever changing world around them but still maintain their sanity as woman, mothers and wives.  

I really liked how you got a look of how with each decade the world really did change.
But day to day life stayed the same, no matter what is going on around you.

It is written so you feel like you are part of the lives of all the members of the book club.

I loved it!

I would highly recommend it!

A wonderful girlfriend read!

"Tales from a yoga studio" is a beach read for yoga.
Think shopaholic series or anything written by Candace Bushnell, but for the yoga world.

It is about four woman who attend a yoga studio in LA.
Their common link is their yoga teacher, Lee.

It was very light and made me feel less attached to the characters then 'Angry houswives'

(I like to read light books between the more intense read, almost to clear my mind from character attachments that I have developed. I tend to get to attached to characters in book that I love. )

It was a cute book, very predictable and very light.

I made me feel uncomplicated and happy.

I am now reading Poser: my life in 23 yoga poses.

It is non fiction narrative of a woman in Seattle and her journey with yoga and life.
It has been a while since I read a non fiction/self help book.
I got a little bored of the pretentious aspects of some non-fiction/self help books, so I took a break from them.
But this one seems different, it is really quite funny and down to earth.

I let you know more soon :)

Have a wonderful day!

Much love,

Jessica

Smile and the whole world lights up around you!

Who says you have to be boring when you become an adult?

Who makes these rules?

In the last two weeks, I have been having alot of fun.

Laughing more and being happy.

I have come back to my roots.

I am indulging in things I always though were hilarious and things I always though were fun, but I began to believe that once you become an adult/mom/wife you need to drop these things and become more serious.

But who says?

Being a responsible adult is a must, but does that always have to equal serious?

I have been really trying to laugh more and have fun over the last coupleweeks (see last blog post),

and it has naturally drawn me to my roots.

The lessons I have learned in the last two weeks on my quest for fun and laughter is....

LIGHTEN UP!

Life is just way to short to be too serious.

SMILE MORE!

Especially when you don't feel like smiling.

and at anything and everything,

like the picture at the top of this blog post, it may be cheesy but you can't tell me it didn't put a smile on your face :) 

"Everybody's always drumming on about the future but I'm not letting it interfere with my laughs."
- John Lennon

Have a wonderful day!

Much love,

Jessica

The melody of happiness

How often do you laugh?

How often do you simply have fun?

I don't think I do enough.

Sometimes I feel like such a wet blanket, not laughing or having fun in the mundane activities of life.

I have the wonderful luck of being married to a man who thinks everything is a joke.

A man who smiles and laughs with his daughters all the time.

He has fun doing anything and is completly laid back.

He is the one who sings and dances and always seems to be having good time.

Then there is me.

The one who is always so serious.

So strict.

Always thinking of the stuff that needs to get done and stressing out.

Well that is going to change!

Right now!

Last night I went out to a hilarous movie (bridesmaids) with my wonderful girlfriend lindsay.

I laughed, We talked, it was fun.

I had fun.

I want to be the fun loving, dancing, singing, silly person.

I want to not stress about stupid things, like when will the bathroom get cleaned or who is going to vaccume today.

I know that this is going to be hard to change about me, my seriousness and anal qualties are quite instinctive for me, but I start today.

We always get a fresh start.

Each day is a new day to define how you choose to live your life.

Today I will laugh more.

Today I will have fun.

Today I will be a joy to be around.  

At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities. 

~Jean Houston

Have a wonderful day!

Much love,

Jessica

This too shall pass, I trust that it will.

It has been so long since I blogged last.

It has been a crazy 2 weeks.

I have a sick little girl (Charlotte) and a very demanding little girl (Chloe).

Also the two boys that I babysit during the week have been sick since Monday.

 This flu/virus going around is awful!

Chloe was kinda sick two weeks ago and now Charlotte is really sick.

Poor wee thing has no energy, can't eat and is quite tired.

It is so hard to watch your children get sick.

Their little eyes staring up at you, all glassy and wet.

Always just on the cusp of tears.

It breaks my hears to see her so lethargic and down.

She seems to be on the tail end of her sickness.

I can see the light.

Their are the beginnings of my vivacious Charlotte coming back.

And I can' wait.

I am exhausted.

I am truly lucky that I have stayed healthy all through this week, because even at 100% ,

this is a demanding job!

 

The problem is that Charlotte needs my extra attention and Chloe simply wants it.

Chloe has always had a jealous streak in her (especially when it come to my attention) and Charlotte has never really demanding much of anyone. She is so laid back.

So to have her sick is tough becasue she needs me more and her sister gets jealous.

But this to shall pass and we will all go back to being the way it was before.

Hopefully next week we can go back to our own special 'normal'!

I wish you all a wonderful weekend!

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. 

I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. 

~Mother Teresa

Much love, 

Jessica

simply, I love you.

I will never forget how you looked when you were first born
how you smelled
how delicate you seemed,
how you were so small that you could both lie on your daddy's chest
how you would curl up in the crook of my arm and fall asleep
how you would both sleep in you bassinet head to head, curled up against each other with love,
everything about you was so precious,

Today I miss those little babies. Those soft smelling, lovely little babies.

You are growing up so quickly.
How are you already little girls? not babies?
When did this happen?

You have become so unique so individual.
You are becoming so clever.
Everything about you as little girls is so amazing, so much fun.

I may miss you little babies, but each day you grow my love for you grows with you.
My love becomes deeper and deeper.

I may miss the things you used to do like fall asleep in my arms and cuddle for as long as I wanted,
but just as much as those things, I love the new things you do,
like how you will search for me in a packed room to simply nuzzle your face in my neck, like you are reconnecting yourself to me. It is like as soon as you feel comfortable again, you give me a kiss and go back to playing.
I love how you smile and laugh and play.
I love how you move and dance.

Simply, I just love you. 

Thank you Chloe and Charlotte for making my life happier then I could ever imagine.

what a beautiful day!

What a beautiful day.

The sun is bright, the air is fresh and cool.  

The wind blows through my bedroom window, The birds sing their wonderful song outside.

What love a sunshine rings after the rain. 

The hope and happiness fill my soul.

I love today and how it makes me feel.

I love seeing the kids happy as they are allowed to play outside and drink the the beautiful rays.

Their innocence contagious.

Their happiness filling empty space.

What a beautiful day.

Enjoy the beauty of the day!

Much love,

Jessica

feeing 'book wormy'

I have been powering through books lately. In the last week I have read “Sarah’s Key” and “Something borrowed”.

I cannot seem to put my kobo down (this leads to way less blogging!).

I absolutely loved “Sarah’s key”. It has been a while that a book touched me the way this one did. My reaction was so visceral. As I read chapter after chapter of the French occupation in world war two and the execution of thousands of Jewish people, I would feel an ache in my belly. And ache of deep sadness.  This book brought tears to my eyes on a few occasions. It was a deep book, extremely devastating but I could not put it down.  I am looking forward to discussing this book!

“Something borrowed” was a great a great book to follow it. Light, fluffy and beachy. A book you could easily read on vacation. It was cute and simple. I enjoyed it. I am looking forward to seeing how they portray it in to a movie (It comes out soon in theaters).

I tend to go through phases with my reading and right now I am being very ‘book wormy’. I am loving it!

I hope you all have a wonderful day!

The worth of a book is to be measured by what you can carry away from it.  ~James Bryce

Much love

Jessica

kindness

I am feeling a little run down this week.
I get like this every now and again.
I feel torn in to many directions and need a break.

What I have usually done in the past when this occurs is tried to power through it.
Allow my self to get on through the pain and exhaustion and keep on motoring at a fast speed.

I have realized that specific method is not what works for me.

I end up failing miserably.
I try to power on through but end up canceling all appointments and events and wallowing in my own self pity and exhaustion.

I am taking a new path at conquering this, I am stepping back.
I am giving my body and mind time to heal and rest.
I am fulfilling my responsibilities with all the vigor I have but not doing anything above and beyond.
I am taking time for me and not feeling guilty about  it.

We push ourselves to much, don't we?
we expect to be able to do everything.
But we simply can't.
As women, I think we live in a world of guilt.
When we can't do everything we want or need to do, we end up batting ourselves and placing intense guilt on our shoulders.
That is not nice.
That is not right.
We all need room to heal and rest.
We all need time for that.

Be kind to yourselves today!

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
Plato
Much love,

Jessica

The pact, a teenage love story

I just finished reading "The Pact" By Jodi Picoult.
I couldn't put it down.
I powered through it in 2 days, which in my world latley is record speed.

It read like a typical 'Jodi Picoult' book. It felt like I was part of a 'made-for-TV melodrama'.
I did however like it. (I enjoy 'made-for- TV Melodrama).

The story was was unpredicatable in a way the Picoult has mastered.
You already know what is going on and have a great idea what will occur, but she always reveals a vital piece of the story that changes everything in the last 3-4 chapters.
In my opinion, It was a deeply touching (yet sometimes unbelievable) teenage love story.
A story of the depths of first love and the anguish of those vital teenage years.

I enjoyed the book but could easily see how others may not feel the same way. Slighty pedictable and a little over the top, it may not go down s easily for others.
I didn't think to deeply into it and just enjoyed it for what it was worth.

I do however suggest checking it out.

Much love,

Jessica

My voice

I have been thinking alot about my writing.
Why do I write?
Why do I feel inclined to write a blog?
Why do I make my writing public?
Why no jt stick to a personal journal?us
Am i looking for approval?
Am I trying to be a writer?
Am I 'a writer' of sorts?
Do my words mean anything to others?
Do I want my words to mean anything?

I am not sure why I am searching for these answers.
Why can I not just accept that I like to write and blogging is a great venue for it.
What is this need in me to know all the answers?
Why do I question something that just feels natural?

What has come from all this questioning is the evaluation of an activity that I take great pride in doing.
An evaluation of my writing...
blogging or journalling.

My writing defines my existence.
Defines my life,
Defines my great loves, my hates and everything in between.
It creates a hard copy of my feelings and passions.
It allows me to reevaluate and look over the things I feel so passionately about.

I may be grammatically incorrect at times and my style may be off,
But I don't care.
This is my voice and I will speak in the way I was meant to,
Honestly and from the deepest part of my heart.


I wish you all a wonderful day.

Much love,

Jessica

simplicity in our existence

I was reading one of my favourite blogs yesterday, and the writer was talking about cherishing the mundane.
When I read the title, my immediate thought was how boring that sounded.
Mundane?
Doesn't that imply normal, uneventful?

As I read her blog post, I got her point.
It did mean cherish the uneventful tasks, the boring stuff we do each day.
If we weren't able to do those things, how would we feel?
What if I was in a physical or emotional state where doing my mundane tasks was impossible.
Like dressing my children in the morning, driving to work or making breakfast.
What if even getting out of bed was to much?

There are thousands of people in the world that struggle with their physical and mental states everyday. It makes it hard for them to preform their day to day activities.
How does that struggle feel?

I am sure most of them would love to just be able to preform simple and boring tasks of a usual day without a second thought.

I don't have to worry about that in my own existence.
Physically I am OK and on most days emotionally I am fine.
I am able to do my day to day activities with out a thought.
So why do I still thrive for more complexity, drama and intensity in my life?

I steer away from mundane.
I see it as boring.
I am always on the move.
Always planning and anticipating.
Not living in the moment.
I am scared to get bored.
Scared to stay still.

I have to conquer that fear.
Embrace my simple life.
Cherish my mundane.
Appreciate the amazing life I was given.
I was given a life with little drama and complexity
(and really any drama that is in it is due to my obsession with creating drama )

My life is good. Simple.

Time for me to see that.
Time for me to embrace my mundane.



Struggles and battles
Change and acceptance
Why do we fight for improvement?
When right before our eyes is something wonderful
A life full of simplicity in our pure existence


I wish you all a wonderful day!

Much love,

Jessica

the new beginning of each day

Do you ever have one of those mornings where you wake up and feel really good?
You are happy and everything is working out around you.
Things seem right in the world.
It's the type of waking up feelings that makes you wonder why it has felt so hard on earlier mornings.

Today I feel that way.
I woke up and feel happy.
Content and awake.

It could be that I had a good sleep.
It could be that I had a good yoga class last night.
It could be my new net book that my lovely husband bought for me.
I am truly not sure why I feel so good this morning but everything is looking up.

Yesterday was a tough day.
A real low.
I felt lost and angry, for no particular reason.
But yesterday is gone and only what is left in today and the rest of my life.

Last night I ended my yoga class like I end every yoga class, We get into the fetal position and I say 'allow the pose to remind you that with every ending is a new beginning'
Last night the quote resonated with me.
I allowed me to remember that with all the mistakes of yesterday, I can still move on.
There is a new beginning.
Today.

I wish you all a wonderful day!

Much love,

Jessica

a dark and encapsulating story

I just finished reading 'water for elephants' for the second time. One of my book clubs are reading it this month and planning on attending the movie after our book discussion.

I rad this book about 3 years ago, so I decided to refresh my memory and read it again!

 I was glad I did!

I love this book.

 I love the author's style of writing.

Her words drop you right in the middle of the world of the travelling circuses in an economically depressed America.

I truly didn't think that I would enjoy the storyline and plot due to the whole circus aspect but I was pleasantly surprised. I

I reads smoothly and goes down so well.

It is entertaining and enchanting.

A lovely story.

A sad story.

A beautiful love story with a dark side.

you should really check this book out.

I cannot wait to see how it pans out on the big screen.

I wish you all a wonderful night!

Much love,

Jessica

The need for a pause in time

growing old.
aging.
growing up.
maturing.

what do you think of when we talk about growing older?

Do you think of your young children learning to walk and talk?
Do you think of your adult children moving away or getting married?
Do you think of retirement?
Do you think of your parents changing as they age?
Do you think of you and how you will grace age?
Does it bring feelings of happiness and anticipation for the future?
Does age bring feelings of stress or anxiety of the unknown?

The idea of growing up is stuck in my head this week.
We have been going through a few things in my world to entice me to ponder the concept of age and life.
A few are optimistic and exciting, like our daughters growing older.
They are walking, running and talking.
(They are saying more works now like car,cookie, juice and duckie. Charlotte is walking and Chloe is running. )
Also we hired our first teenage babysitter for our girls.
This weekend we are going out for a few hours Saturday night and instead of asking our parents which is what we always do, we decided to hire a teenage girl who we trust.
Court and I were saying that it made us feel all grown up (as if being married and having twins was not enough) but for whatever reason the act of hiring a sitter made us feel 'all adult like'.
I really doesn't feel that long ago when I was getting calls from mom's to babysit their kids on Saturday nights.
These to me are positive, happy feelings of age and growing up.
It is exciting to watch the growth of my children intellectually, physically and emotionally.
But in my world some acts of aging do not bring such feelings of joy.

I have recently began noticing age in the people I love.
I watch my grandparents age and the idea that we are all delicate beings that do not last forever hits me like a ton of bricks.
Age has especially hit my grandpa and notice how father time has taken a toll on his body and mind.
I have to endure the feelings of watching the strong man who protected my mom, my sisters and all of my family with such vigor and passion, slowly let of go of his strength to the powers of time.
I makes me feel sad to notice that one of the smartest men I know sometimes can't seem to get his thoughts straight and gets frustrated.
It makes me feel sad to watch my mom, step dad, uncles, and aunts take care of my grandpa.
They all love my grandpa dearly and stay strong for his behalf, but I am sure it cannot be easy for them.
It is much harder for children to watch the grandchildren to watch.
We expect to watch our grandparents age. As children grandparents are always old and mysterious.
Their stories and grey hairs intrigue us a little children and we grow up knowing that eventually we will miss our grandparents. This though is a sad though for us grandchildren but it is more accepted from the beginning.
But it is always hard to watch a parent age.
They are our protectors and saviours.
 Even of you step up to the plate gracefully to aid your aging parent it still is hard to watch and endure.
I also feel heartache for my grandma who has such a hard time watching the strong man she knows slowly weaken with the weight of his long existence.
She mourns her loss of the man she knew and the life she knew.
She has a lack of an outlet to express these feelings in a healthy way.
It is hard for her to care for him and accept his dependency.
This makes me sad.


I know that in life we live in a full circle.
We start as babies and children need to depend on others for our primal existence.
We slowly grow into independent people of society and flourish if given the right environment.
Eventually we come around to dependency again.
We need help with tasks before that were not a problem for us.
We cannot be alone.
As we age we seem to digress to a version of our inner children.
In my grandpas case, his digression seems to be accepted by him as he moves along.
He takes each step one at a time and though he seems to get frustrated now and again, he handles it the best out of anyone.
It is much harder for us. His family.
We have a hard time accepting.
We are losing something and cannot accept it.

Age can be a terrible and wonderful thing to watch unfold into the matrix of our lives.
It can mean growth and development, but it can also be understood as digression and dependancy.
We mourn the past and look to those very happy times.
We are happy in a certain space and time.
Why are you so cruel to take that away from us?

Just pause this moment time and lets stay here.
Stay here forever.
Happy and content.

Unfortunately that is not our option.
We have not control.
We only have our acceptance.
Just let it be.
Take in each moment with all the love and happiness that you can because the one thing we can count on is that we will never get this exact moment in time again.

I wish you all a wonderful day!

Much love,

Jessica