Technicolor

The moments are in technicolor,

Vibrant and full.

My mind is calm and content, but moving in full speed trying to take it all in.

I am mesmerized by it all.

The color of your golden hair and and how it falls loosely over your ears and caresses your cheek. How all three of you smell so much like home. 

Familiar and grounding. 

A smell I seem to long for in moments of disarray. 

The feel of your soft skin as I touch your cheek. 

Unblemished and new, not yet affected by the harsh truths of the world.

The taste of the wine, the one you chose. 

Delicious and deep. 

Rich and Vibrant. 

The perfect compliment to our evening.  

These moments seem so much more real today. 

I am glad for it. 

Knowing that my truth is becoming more open and free. 

Knowing that when I take the time to nurture my soul, I receive these 'gifts of the ordinary'.

The ability to see and feel my life in full form. 

In full technicolor. 

Food is beautiful.

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. ~Benjamin Disraeli

Much love, 

Jessica

Love the ones we marry.

I was talking to my Mr. Kennedy yesterday. Alone. We were conversing as adults. It was nice.
We were enjoy that brief moment of alone time at the dinner table.
That sweet moment were you can disappear together.
If you have young children, you know this moment.
The moment that they are done their plates (or what they are going to eat from them) their bellies full and they are feeling happy and free.
They saunter off in their food haze, unaware that mommy and daddy are doing something without them.
That sweet moment to finish your dinner, trying hard not to pay too much attention to fact that you are eating cold pancakes for the 4 time this month because it is the one food you wont have to force feed your toddlers.
And in my case, I got to share that moment with the man that so often gets neglected and put last on the household 'list'.

We were talking about our days, our food, the kids, hockey....all the real important stuff that keeps are world spinning.
And during this conversation we had a moment.
A shared moment of epiphany.

Heres how it went down:

Me: My parents are back in town from their trip. Want to go over for dinner tomorrow? They will have the girls for the day and we can go over after work. What would you like to do?
Him: *pause* umm.....
My response is already boiling in my head. The typical wife and husband routine about the 'parental' visits.

Me: So? What are you going to do? come or not?
Him: I think I will stay here. I need sone time where no-one is needing or demanding anything from me.

My initial reaction was to freak out.
What?!?! You need some time? What about me?
But I stopped myself.
It would only start a fight and we would both lose.
Instead I asked him,

'are you feeling overwhelmed?'

Instead of his usual joking and lack of seriousness, he was truthful and honest. He responded with a simple 'Yes'.
No dramatics. No fights over who us 'more tired' or 'works harded'. No judgement or blame game.
We both simply respected each others feelings and concerns.
It was refreshing.

He decided to stay home tonight.
And I took a lesson from his honesty and told him I could use some 'out of office' time.
No demands, no tasks, no 'to do list'.
He was happy for me go get that. He was helpful and accommodating.

I went to a late movie to see 'les miserables' with my best friend. It was incredible and simply for me.

It was truly refreshing and liberating to have our feelings respected with no attached judgments or drama.

"Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry." -Tom Mullen

Much love,

Jessica

I am part of a whole, I am not alone.

There is this man we see everyday of the school week.
He is a bus driver who we pass on our way to pick up the school aged boys I babysit.
Every day he tells me I am super mom and deserve a medal.
Each day I laugh graciously, make brief chit chat and then move on my way with the kiddies.

Today he actually gave me a medal.
A supermom medal.

On a day I feel the furthest from deserving that honour.

Today I stared at a 8 month old and demanded he go to sleep. I spoke to him in a tone that I wouldn't dare speak outside the walls of my home.
Today I read stories to three toddlers. I read them rushed and with no energy. I sucked the fun out of story time because I was tired and needed a break.
Today I lost my cool. The kids were demanding my attention in 4 different directions. The baby was strapped to my chest having a melt down because he was exhausted and three toddlers grabbed at me. I lost it. I was counting to ten trying to cool down and stay patient but it truly wasn't doing anything to help my mind calm down. So it decided on a different route. A route that I am not proud of. I threw a hissy fit. I stomped my feet and screamed at the top lungs. It was a full out horror movie scream. I was mad and everybody and nobody. I was frustrated and cornered.
I scared all the kids and immediately regretted my reaction. I apologized and reassured them all that it wasn't anyone's fault and that I was simply feel frustrated.

But there was no doubt that I was feeling far from super mom.

Then we walk to the school and see our bus driver friend, and he hands me a gift. It is a medal that say 'supermom award' and a picture of us he took last week. We all looked so happy.
He truly has no idea how important that was.
How it made me feel and made me think.
That gentle and kind man dug me out from a pit of self loathing.
He made me believe that I am not alone and that there is love all around me.

Right now I still don't feel like super mom but I do feel better.

The universe works in magical ways, teaching (when I am willing to be taught) that there is love and support waiting for me. That it will be there whenever I am ready to love myself and realize that I am not nearly as 'horrible' as I feel I am.

"A human being is part of a whole, called by us the Universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty." -Albert Einstein


Much love,

Jessica