lose the guilt

* warning: This was a very cathartic post for me tonight

It doesn't always make sense but I needed to write tonight.

the blue moon is making me feel a little "crazy".

 

 

How can one day feel so alive and bright and the next you are searching deep within your soul to find the strength to face your day?

Today was a day in which I would have loved to have escaped in the security of my bed.

Keep my head under the pillow and sleep away the day.

So bear with my post,  I feel a strong desire right now to speak my feelings, no matter how bad/guilty they make me feel.

 

 

 

It all starts with the fact that I am loner by nature.

Before I had kids, it was not uncommon for me to 'run away' for a day.

Escape.

Be alone.

Not talk to anyone.

Drink coffee and read books.

Go to movies alone.

Have dinner by myself.

All day.

Escape my world.

Escape my own reality.

Create a new one even for a few hours.

 

 

This never happens anymore.

 

I miss that.

 

I cannot escape my reality.

It is always with me now.

 

I am sure many can agree with me when I say that staying home with your kids can feel lonely at times.

Especially on the exceptionally low days where life is throwing alot of lemons your way.

On my low days, Loneliness is a very strong feeling.

 

 

But there is one truth with parenthood,

you never really alone.

 

They are with you all the time.

Physically,

Emotionally,

and Spiritually.

 

They surround you at all times.

 

This should be a good thing, right?

I love my kids.

They are incredible.

They fill my days with joy and fulfillment.

Their unconditional love for they "much less then perfect" mother is astounding and some days undeserved.

Then why do some days simply thinking about what lies ahead exhaust me?

 

 

There are these rare moments where I disappear into a different world.

A different me.

But before I know it the guilt drifts in.

The guilt that says

"how selfish of you to think of yourself first"

that dreaded guilt that you have forgotten them,

that you aren't making them a priority.

The guilt that tells you how selfish you are for thinking of yourself first.

 

Life can be hard.

Harder then we realize sometimes.

and guilt gets you nowhere.

 

It makes you no more stronger.

or wiser, compassionate or joyful.

 

It destroys your self worth.

Makes you doubt your own truths.

Guilt is a dark and negative place to be.

 

 

 

Let  it go Jess.

Release the guilt.

You cannot control what has been done.

You can only look to the future to be brighter.

 

Guilt is holding you back.

Let yourself look forward.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't believe in guilt, I believe in living on impulse as long as you never intentionally hurt another person, and don't judge people in your life. I think you should live completely free.

-Angelina Jolie

 

Much love,

 

Jessica

 

 

 

 

feeling alive

I ran last night.

I am not sure what got into me.

I just decided to start the "Couch to 5k" program.

I am not a runner nor have ever been a runner, but I figure I need to stay healthy and it is the most convenient and inexpensive way for me to get a work out in.

 

 

I didn't even wait till the kids were in bed.

Court got home from the gym at 6:00 and then I left. 

(I really hate doing to much in that 2 hours of precious time (8 pm till 10 pm) when the kids are in bed. I like 2 hours of time to reboot and get ready for the next day.)

It was marvelous!

Only 30 minutes, but it was enough time to just decompress.

It was also cleared my mind so much.

Allowed me to reboot my thinking.

I took notice in the things I missed and the activities I wanted to start doing again.

Like teaching yoga.

I want to teach some 'family' style classes.

 

 

I really want to start a 'mom and baby' yoga class in almonte.

I have always thought of starting a mom and baby class, as I love them so much!

When I did them with the girls, I adored the yoga and the time to connect to my babies.

 

I am also toying with the idea of a 30 minute toddler class

(Court thinks I am crazy but I think it could be good. )

My girls and the two little guys I babysit love when we do our 'yoga classes'

Obviously there is not as much structure as 'regular' yoga class.

It really works out to be a yoga version of  'circle time'

Introducing kids to the world of yoga and meditation in a fun way that they would respond to.

10 minutes of warming up (songs, jumping, stretching and 'sillyness')

10 minutes of yoga poses,

 (I like to use stories to create the vinyasa flow for kids. They seem to respond well to it)

and 10 minutes of quiet yoga (kids version of mediation.)

 Quiet songs, quiet stories and trying to relax the best a toddler knows how.  

 

Now I have to find out if there is any interest in these classes and go from there.

I would love to get them started this fall :)

 

Oh, how I love feeling challenged, reconnected and excited :)

 

Have a wonderful day!

 

Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is more people who have come alive

 – Howard Thurman

 

Much love,

 

Jessica

 

 

 

 

 

Really love him

 These are someone else's words, but I found them to beautiful not to share.

 

 

If you want to change the world love a man; really love him
Choose the one whose soul calls to yours clearly who sees you; who is brave enough to be afraid
Accept his hand and guide him gently to your hearts blood
Where he can feel your warmth upon him and rest there
And burn his heavy load in your fires

Look into his eyes look deep within and see what lies dormant or awake or shy or expectant there
Look into his eyes and see there his fathers and grandfathers and all the wars and madness their spirits fought in some distant land, some distant time

Look upon their pains and struggles and torments and guilt; without judgment
And let it all go
Feel into his ancestral burden
And know that what he seeks is safe refuge in you
Let him melt in your steady gaze
And know that you need not mirror that rage
Because you have a womb, a sweet, deep gateway to wash and renew old wounds

If you want to change the world love a man, really love him
Sit before him, in the full majesty of your woman in the breath of your vulnerability
In the play of your child innocence in the depths of your death
Flowering invitation, softly yielding, allowing his power as a man
To step forward towards you…and swim in the Earth’s womb, in silent knowing, together
And when he retreats…because he will…flees in fear to his cave…
Gather your grandmothers around you…envelope in their wisdoms
Hear their gentle shusshhhed whispers, calm your frightened girls’ heart
Urging you to be still…and wait patiently for his return
Sit and sing by his door, a song of remembrance, that he may be soothed, once more

If you want to change the world, love a man, really love him
Do not coax out his little boy
With guiles and wiles and seduction and trickery
Only to lure him…to a web of destruction
To a place of chaos and hatred
More terrible than any war fought by his brothers
This is not feminine this is revenge
This is the poison of the twisted lines
Of the abuse of the ages, the rape of our world
And this gives no power to woman it reduces her as she cuts off his balls
And it kills us all
And whether his mother held him or could not
Show him the true mother now
Hold him and guide him in your grace and your depth
Smoldering in the center of the Earth’s core
Do not punish him for his wounds that you think don’t meet your needs or criteria
Cry for him sweet rivers
Bleed it all back home

If you want to change the world love a man, really love him
Love him enough to be naked and free
Love him enough to open your body and soul to the cycle of birth and of death
And thank him for the opportunity
As you dance together through the raging winds and silent woods
Be brave enough to be fragile and let him drink in the soft, heady petals of your being
Let him know he can hold you stand up and protect you
Fall back into his arms and trust him to catch you
Even if you’ve been dropped a thousand times before
Teach him how to surrender by surrendering yourself
And merge into the sweet nothing, of this worlds’ heart

If you want to change the world, love a man, really love him
Encourage him, feed him, allow him, hear him, hold him, heal him
And you, in turn, will be nourished and supported and protected
By strong arms and clear thoughts and focused arrows
Because he can, if you let him, be all that you dream

If you want to love a man, love yourself, love your father
Love your brother, your son, your ex-partner; from the first boy you kissed,
To the last one you wept over
Give thanks for the gifts; of your unraveling to this meeting
Of the one who stands before you now
And find in him the seed to all that’s new and solar
A seed that you can feed to help direct the planting
To grow a new world, together
 

~Anonymous~

 

 

The men in my life

 

 

Enjoy :)

 

Much love, 

 

Jessica

The inspiration in the words of a child

The monster is coming.

Hide in the trees.

 

Waiting and waiting but not to be found.

 

I ask, Is he still here?

Yes.

 

We hide in the bush.

couched low to the ground, listening.

 

I ask again, Is he still here?

Yes.

 

We hide in his house.

A big wooded house.

It echos and creaks.

Surely we will hear the bedlam of this beast.

 

But only silence surrounds.

 

Is he still here?

No, she says.

 

I saved him.

He was a nice monster.

I kissed him.

Now he is gone.

 

 

 

(I wrote this poem with the inspiration of an imagination game I played with Chloe and Charlotte yesterday.

While we were on our walk they started this story about a monster coming after us.

After when thinking about their story, I noticed how deep it all sounded.

'I saved him, I kissed him, now he is gone'

Wow.)

 

 

 

 

Much love,

 

Jessica

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seize Happiness

 

My little guy is 8 weeks old today! 

To mark his mini birthday, the wee monster went to bed at 7:00 pm and only woke up once in the night for a quick bite to eat then right back to sleep.

I am actually sitting here writing this, drinking coffee and all three kids are still sleeping.

What a nice guy he is! (and some marvelous two year old's who are sleeping in for me!)

I needed a good sleep and he gave me one.

Thanks Canton!

 

 

Anyways, Life has been pretty fast paced all summer.

Alone Canton keeps me busy then add the twins and your in for a wild ride.

But I love it.

 

I have never felt happier.

Everyday I feel happy.

Maybe not all day but at least once in the day I stop a realize I am really happy.

 

Happiness has taken me in.

I feel that I am where I am meant to be.

 

I am a mama of three.

A protector of their innocence.

I am the kisses at night and the giggles in the morning.

The listener of their stories and the laughter to their jokes.  

I am not an interference but an observer.

 

 

I have found my groove.

My niche.

I don't feel like I am searching for more.

 

It is a nice feeling.

 

I am realize we are all meant to seize happiness in the life we are given.

We are not all given the same.

Each of our paths are different but we are meant to realize how to be joyful and full in our paths.

Take each moment for everything it is meant to give you.

Relish in the honesty and pure feeling of joy.

Really, isn't that all we can do?

Trying to do anything more is making the assumption that we can control the outcome.

And really can we do that?

We can control nothing more then our perception of the beauty of our lives.

 

 

 

 

 On a side note, I have been able to stick/progress to my previous vow (no yelling).

I usually have a slip up here or there but I am constantly writing them down in my journal and figuring out what I could have done better and how I feel after.

It seems to help me to take ownership in my mistakes.

 

 

Seize the moments of happiness, love and be loved! That is the only reality in the world, all else is folly.

LEO TOLSTOY, War and Peace

 

 

Have a happy and peaceful day.

 

much love,

 

Jessica

 

How can that face not make you feel happy?  I just took this picture. It is the look I get when I sing to him :)

 

 

 

 

 

My vow to change

This morning sucks and it is all my fault!

A little self deprecating, but right now I don't care.

I woke up from a not so smooth night with Canton and I guess it made me feel a little "grumpy".

I was trying really hard to pretend to be happy to be up for the day at 6:00 am, but I lost it.

I lost it on my girls.

Everything they did seemed to rub me the wrong way, and during breakfast I broke.  

I yelled, felt guilty and cried.

After my guilt tears, I finally composed myself and put on a "mom" smile for the sake of my kids and myself.

After breakfast, I was washing up Charlotte and Chloe, and Char says to me with a big smile:

"Mommy, you are not mean anymore."

It broke my heart.

Yelling is mean, especially to my two year olds.

Right now I am publicly vowing to stop yelling, altogether. I am not going to yell anymore. It makes people feel awful. And do I really want that?

I know if my husband (or any of my family for that matter) is reading this he will not believe my vow as I have been a passionate yeller forever. But honestly, I am done.

I know breaking coping patterns is tough but I need to find more productive ways to get my point across and not take things to personally (like when Chloe and Char disobey me or not listen, I need to remember not to take it so personally and get so angry about it.)

It is only 9:00 am, so I have the power to change the direction of this day.

It is not going to be negative.

We will have a good day!

Much love,

Jessica

My first month as a mom of three

Our newborn son Canton was born at the start of July.
It has been a whirl wind of a month.
He had a pretty traumatic entrance to the world, the poor wee lad. But he is healthy and content now.

But we could not be happier to have him here and healthy.
His sister love him.
They can't stop kissing him and petting him.
Life as a mom with three kids is actually running pretty smooth for the first 4 weeks.

I really anticipated it to be much more chaotic.
I guess it really is perception.
I want it to be calm, happy and content so it is much more likely to be a happy environment when I act like it is.
Even at its worst moments when all kids are screaming, I strap a smile on and pretend it is all good. It feels much better then getting stressed.

I really look forward to seeing how our family progresses together and develops our grove.

With Cantons arrival I feel like finally we are all here.
Our family is complete.

Much love,

Jessica


ps. I have not given up on a photo a day, I am just going to change it a bit. I am going to do my "favorite photos of the week" and post them on facebook weekly since the posting process on facebook is much easier then on blogspot :)