I have been quite a blog slacker for the past week and a half. Shame on me!
I had slept in a bunch of mornings last week.
I guess I needed my sleep.
Well here I am today, 5:39 am and ready to write.
This weekend was a wonderfully busy weekend. We had my godsons baptism on Saturday (with a wonderful celebrations after) and the girls baptism on Sunday.
It was great!
Baptisms are such happy events. The blessing of a precious child is one of the best reason to celebrate.
It was great to have a jam packed weekend of celebration. Lots of family and friends, lots of food and lots of laughs!
(input funny story: This has no relevance to my blog post, but it just happened and there is no one up to share in the humour of this story with me, so I am going to write it down.
I just went upstairs to the twinies room because there were some squawks on the monitor. I found Chloe standing at her crib with her head resting on the frame and her blanket covering her head. She was moaning but still sleeping. Poor thing was probably so confused, I actully have no idea how she stood up in her sleepy state and was able to throw a blanket over her head....oh my girls :) )
Back to the weekend of wonderful celebration.
After the girls baptism, we had a reception at my moms house. There was probably 25 people packed in the living room and dining room at my parents. It was hilarious how full it was, but it didn't appear like anyone minded. There was lots of food, drink and wonderful people. It was one of those shindigs that was just perfect. The adults were eating and being merry and the children were laughing and playing. Conversation was wonderful, the energy was relaxed and happy, and everyone seemed content. It was a day that feeds your soul with light and happiness.
The girls were 'rockstars' during it all. They lapped up the attention and were just perfect. Even though they were exhausted, they didn't let it bother them. It was wonderful to see them so happy. Actually, all the kids who were there seemed happy.
There is truly nothing better then to watch then a happy child. Their happiness is one of the most contagious things!
After about 3 hours of sunday afternoon partying, The guests started to head on their way. Some needed to get home for nap time, others needed to drive back to school but most headed out to progress with the rest of their day.
The girls finally allowed us to put them down for a nap and a few of us stuck around upstairs with the leftover food and a few drinks. It was my uncle Johnny, aunt Jocelyn, stepdad, cousin Casey and her boyfriend Skylar, cousin Kelly, my mom, my sister Meg and her husband Mur (for a bit), Court and myself that stayed sitting around the round table in my parents living room.
It started of as a conversation like any other. I think we all planned on saying a few things about the baptism then saying our good byes and heading out, but that did not happen.
It turned into one of those unexpected afternoons were you realize you all have been talking and laughing for 4 hours and you feel wonderful.
It was one of those afternoons that brings you so much closer to the ones you love.
It created memories and laughs.
The conversations made you realize things you have been missing and reminded you to take your blinders of and notice more.
It made us remeber and reminise.
It made us realize that we really are not that different from one another.
Not once did you look at your watch (except when we realized the babies were still sleeping and we needed to know what time it was so we could marvel it the epicness of their nap.)
Not once did you wish you were somewhere else.
You were where you are supposed to be.
It was one of those days that made you realized how lucky you are to have such wonderful people in your life.
This weekend rejuvinated me. This weekend made my soul sing. It reconnected me to the important people in my life and my childrens life.
The moments of this weekend fill my spirit with wonderful memories and feelings, from the beautiful baptimsal ceremony of my godson Cameron on Saturday night to the jokes and laughs during of conversations around the table at my parents on Sunday afternoon and everything in between.
The memories I cherish (from days like this weekend) help mould the person I strive to be and the happiness that I feel.
I wish you all a wonderful day!
Much love,
Jessica
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
The reading rainbow
I have not blogged since Saturday. It feels weird to have gone that long.
I got myself caught up in an incredible book this weekend and I indulged in it every chance I got, therefore taking away from my writing time. (I read The Help by Kathryn Stockett, I highly recommend checking it out!)
I have been reading alot more lately. It has been lovely. I absolutely love to read. Before the twins, I would always have a book on the go. I was always reading something. That stopped when they arrived. I did not feel like I had the mental capacity to use my brain to think ofa nything more then diaper changes and feedings. Last year, I was only reading books required by my book club. They were few and far between and I even listened to one of the book on audio tape instead of reading. Last year I was not the avid reader I usually am.
But things seem to have changed.
To start, I feel like something has changed in my family dynamic. The girls do not require as much from me. There are chunks in the day where we are all in the living room and they really want nothing to do with me. They are quite content to play together on the floor or on the couch. As long as I am close by they are happy.
I have started to take advantage of these times and pull out my kobo. I'll read a chapter or two and then get on the floor with the girls and play. Once they get tired of me, I read another chapter. It is quite nice for all of us.
I find that reading in the same room during the twins 'independant play times' is much better then trying to clean or do chores. They seem to much rather see me be relaxed and close by then running around my house cleaning as they play. It works out great for everyone. Sometimes I will even read a page or two outloud to my playing girls. Most of the time they could care less but I have noticed that Chloe has started to mimic me. She grabs her books and holds them in her lap and murmurs baby talk as she tries to flip pages. It is adorable. It melts my heart a little to see her do that!
(Chloe is alot like me in personality. I am sure she will love to read like her mommy. Charlotte is alot like her daddy. Courtney is not an avid reader, so I am not surprised Charlotte does not use her book to read but as steps to climb on to the couch or toys to smash togther and make noise.)
And the second change towards my old reading self is my mind space.
It has changed.
I want to challenge my brain again.
Some days I would feel like my mind was melting and that I have not done anything to work with my brain. I think that is why I started reading and writing again. I love my job as a stay at home mom (who works part time at a spa), but none of my daily 'jobs' really push the bounds of my intellect. I am now at a place in my 'discovery of motherhood' where I am comfortable with our routine and am ready to add in a little more challenge, intellectually.
It has been nice to embrace a little bit of the old me again into my life and my daughters life.
Reading opens my mind a little more.
I find that indulging in other peoples storytelling or history allows me to open my mind to their world, rather then be trapped in my head.
I am able to read about things that make me happy, sad, angry, or enlightened. I have that choice. I choose which books I read, therefore I am choosing my moods and feelings.
It allows me to remeber the bigger picture.
It helps me to stay grounded to my life by showing me whatelse is out in the world and what other people say and feel about their lives.
By staying grounded to my big picture, I focus less on minor details and stresses.
For me, reading is integral in my happiness.
No matter how busy you may think you are, you must find time for reading, or surrendar yourself to self choosen ignorance.
Confucius
I wish you all a wonderful day!
Much Love,
Jessica
I got myself caught up in an incredible book this weekend and I indulged in it every chance I got, therefore taking away from my writing time. (I read The Help by Kathryn Stockett, I highly recommend checking it out!)
I have been reading alot more lately. It has been lovely. I absolutely love to read. Before the twins, I would always have a book on the go. I was always reading something. That stopped when they arrived. I did not feel like I had the mental capacity to use my brain to think ofa nything more then diaper changes and feedings. Last year, I was only reading books required by my book club. They were few and far between and I even listened to one of the book on audio tape instead of reading. Last year I was not the avid reader I usually am.
But things seem to have changed.
To start, I feel like something has changed in my family dynamic. The girls do not require as much from me. There are chunks in the day where we are all in the living room and they really want nothing to do with me. They are quite content to play together on the floor or on the couch. As long as I am close by they are happy.
I have started to take advantage of these times and pull out my kobo. I'll read a chapter or two and then get on the floor with the girls and play. Once they get tired of me, I read another chapter. It is quite nice for all of us.
I find that reading in the same room during the twins 'independant play times' is much better then trying to clean or do chores. They seem to much rather see me be relaxed and close by then running around my house cleaning as they play. It works out great for everyone. Sometimes I will even read a page or two outloud to my playing girls. Most of the time they could care less but I have noticed that Chloe has started to mimic me. She grabs her books and holds them in her lap and murmurs baby talk as she tries to flip pages. It is adorable. It melts my heart a little to see her do that!
(Chloe is alot like me in personality. I am sure she will love to read like her mommy. Charlotte is alot like her daddy. Courtney is not an avid reader, so I am not surprised Charlotte does not use her book to read but as steps to climb on to the couch or toys to smash togther and make noise.)
And the second change towards my old reading self is my mind space.
It has changed.
I want to challenge my brain again.
Some days I would feel like my mind was melting and that I have not done anything to work with my brain. I think that is why I started reading and writing again. I love my job as a stay at home mom (who works part time at a spa), but none of my daily 'jobs' really push the bounds of my intellect. I am now at a place in my 'discovery of motherhood' where I am comfortable with our routine and am ready to add in a little more challenge, intellectually.
It has been nice to embrace a little bit of the old me again into my life and my daughters life.
Reading opens my mind a little more.
I find that indulging in other peoples storytelling or history allows me to open my mind to their world, rather then be trapped in my head.
I am able to read about things that make me happy, sad, angry, or enlightened. I have that choice. I choose which books I read, therefore I am choosing my moods and feelings.
It allows me to remeber the bigger picture.
It helps me to stay grounded to my life by showing me whatelse is out in the world and what other people say and feel about their lives.
By staying grounded to my big picture, I focus less on minor details and stresses.
For me, reading is integral in my happiness.
No matter how busy you may think you are, you must find time for reading, or surrendar yourself to self choosen ignorance.
Confucius
I wish you all a wonderful day!
Much Love,
Jessica
Saturday, February 19, 2011
More like myself
Yesterday We walked and walked. The ladies and I took advantage of the beautiful weather! It was amazing! Spring like temperatures in February really work wonders on the energy level :)
On our morning walk I decided to come the long way home since the girls were catching a few Zs.
This long way brought me past the high school in Almonte. As I walked past my old school, I noticed a sign that said "Grade Nine information night" I started thinking, how many years has it been since I was in grade nine? How long has it been since I was that little kid about to embark on the huge and exciting experience of high school?
I quickly did the math and it has been 11 years. I believe I started grade nine the fall of 1999.
11 years, holy smokes, it definitely doesn't feel like 11 years!
Just thinking about how long it had been since high school, got me thinking and reminiscing about that time in my life.
Most people when asked will say they hated high school and couldn't wait to get out of there.
High school was for me filled with awkwardness, heartbreak, change, and frustration. It was a time in which I was growing up and on most days was frustrated with who I was becoming. So you would believe that I fit in the the category of 'hating the high school experience', but I don't.
I truly loved high school, then and now (probably more now, as I tend to only really remember the good things) True, I couldn't wait to get out of there, but I am Sagittarius and it is in our make up to crave change.
I met my husband in high school. My best friends I had then are still my best friends now. My favorite memories of my friendships and relationships usually involve high school some how.
The steps I took then in those years were critical to shaping who I have become today.
If you would have asked the little grade nine Jess if this is were she would see her self in 11 years, I can promise you the way my life has turned out would have not been her answer.
In grade nine, I had spectacular elaborate plans for my adulthood. I was going to travel the world and live a romanticized life of travelling and working. I saw these women in movies I watched and the books I read, they were doing these amazing things all over the world and I was going to be like that. I was going to travel and experience and when I felt ready i would find someone to settle down with and have a family. I wasn't going to have kids at a young age. I wasn't sure on what I was going to do with my life but I knew that I was going to make it great, and It wasn't going to be ordinary.
Today that is not really how my life looks. I settled down with my high school boyfriend, I had kids when I was young and I haven't travelled much.
But I am truly OK with that. I have absolutely no regrets. Living and working abroad was not for me. It is the path for many others and that is amazing but I know now that it was not my path.
My goals changed over my teen years and twentys. I grew up and changed. I truly accepted the fate that was in front of me. I think that is why those years are so awkward and hard, your forced to change your perceptions of how your life is shaping up. You are trying to fit into the mould that you have created for yourself. Your fighting these inner battles and trying to discover really what makes you happy.
I discovered my life and goals, I didn't travel all over the world like I dreamed I would be 11 years ago, but I did do one thing do one thing to honor my grade nine self.
I am making my life great and It is definitely not ordinary.
We grow neither better nor worse as we get old but more like ourselves
Mary Lamberton
I hope you have a wonderful day!
Much love,
Jessica
On our morning walk I decided to come the long way home since the girls were catching a few Zs.
This long way brought me past the high school in Almonte. As I walked past my old school, I noticed a sign that said "Grade Nine information night" I started thinking, how many years has it been since I was in grade nine? How long has it been since I was that little kid about to embark on the huge and exciting experience of high school?
I quickly did the math and it has been 11 years. I believe I started grade nine the fall of 1999.
11 years, holy smokes, it definitely doesn't feel like 11 years!
Just thinking about how long it had been since high school, got me thinking and reminiscing about that time in my life.
Most people when asked will say they hated high school and couldn't wait to get out of there.
High school was for me filled with awkwardness, heartbreak, change, and frustration. It was a time in which I was growing up and on most days was frustrated with who I was becoming. So you would believe that I fit in the the category of 'hating the high school experience', but I don't.
I truly loved high school, then and now (probably more now, as I tend to only really remember the good things) True, I couldn't wait to get out of there, but I am Sagittarius and it is in our make up to crave change.
I met my husband in high school. My best friends I had then are still my best friends now. My favorite memories of my friendships and relationships usually involve high school some how.
The steps I took then in those years were critical to shaping who I have become today.
If you would have asked the little grade nine Jess if this is were she would see her self in 11 years, I can promise you the way my life has turned out would have not been her answer.
In grade nine, I had spectacular elaborate plans for my adulthood. I was going to travel the world and live a romanticized life of travelling and working. I saw these women in movies I watched and the books I read, they were doing these amazing things all over the world and I was going to be like that. I was going to travel and experience and when I felt ready i would find someone to settle down with and have a family. I wasn't going to have kids at a young age. I wasn't sure on what I was going to do with my life but I knew that I was going to make it great, and It wasn't going to be ordinary.
Today that is not really how my life looks. I settled down with my high school boyfriend, I had kids when I was young and I haven't travelled much.
But I am truly OK with that. I have absolutely no regrets. Living and working abroad was not for me. It is the path for many others and that is amazing but I know now that it was not my path.
My goals changed over my teen years and twentys. I grew up and changed. I truly accepted the fate that was in front of me. I think that is why those years are so awkward and hard, your forced to change your perceptions of how your life is shaping up. You are trying to fit into the mould that you have created for yourself. Your fighting these inner battles and trying to discover really what makes you happy.
I discovered my life and goals, I didn't travel all over the world like I dreamed I would be 11 years ago, but I did do one thing do one thing to honor my grade nine self.
I am making my life great and It is definitely not ordinary.
We grow neither better nor worse as we get old but more like ourselves
Mary Lamberton
I hope you have a wonderful day!
Much love,
Jessica
Friday, February 18, 2011
Let nature flow in
Yesterday I blogged about being exhausted. Well that feeling did not go away during the day. I hoped it was going to pass but it did not. If anything it got worse.
It all went down hill at snack time, I'll tell you why.
I was really pushing myself to have more energy. I got the girls up, dressed and fed and they were playing in the living room contently. They got cranky so they went for a morning rest and I cleaned. Once I was done cleaning, I got the girls and decided to get outside with them.
We had to have snack first, so I boiled a couple eggs for the three of us.
I thought I had boiled them enough to be 'hardboiled eggs' but I did not. Once they were peeled, I noticed that the yokes were still runny. Cleverly, I put them in the microwave to cook up the yokes. They were producing alot of steam when I took them out. I waited a few minutes and though it would be best if I tried my egg first.
As I bit into the egg, it exploded in my face.
You heard me, EXPLODED! Egg pieces everywhere, steam and heat hitting my face!
It was wild and it really hurt. My lips are all burnt and dry now. It was awful. I had to suck on a bag of ice for nearly an hour to get rid of the pain on my lips and gums.
I guess you aren't suppose to put eggs in the microwave without puncturing them a little. Lesson learned!
Well needless to say I got pretty whiny after the egg explosion accident and didn't want to do anything. We didn't go outside, we just stayed in. My whole face hurt and all I wanted to do was go to bed. It did not help the mood.
Last night I decided, no more half ass days of exhaustion!
Friday was going to be a good day.
I went to bed early woke up at 4:45 am and went for a walk.
Getting outside on a wonderfully warm morning is exactly what I needed. I escaped by myself, but in a healthy way. I didn't disappear to my bed and ignore the world. I just had exactly what I was craving, alone time.
Being outside brought me out of my head for a bit. It let me forget about the complexity of my inner problems and reminded me of the simplicity of the world around me. It reminded me of beauty and peace. Being outside this morning brought me energy and excitement for the day!
Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy., while care will drop off like autumn leaves
John Muir
I didn't climb a mountain, like the quote said, but I believe this quote can transcend to all experience to nature and the great outdoors. I let my walk energize me and all my trouble drop off like autumn leaves.
I hope you all have a wonderful day!
Much love,
Jessica
It all went down hill at snack time, I'll tell you why.
I was really pushing myself to have more energy. I got the girls up, dressed and fed and they were playing in the living room contently. They got cranky so they went for a morning rest and I cleaned. Once I was done cleaning, I got the girls and decided to get outside with them.
We had to have snack first, so I boiled a couple eggs for the three of us.
I thought I had boiled them enough to be 'hardboiled eggs' but I did not. Once they were peeled, I noticed that the yokes were still runny. Cleverly, I put them in the microwave to cook up the yokes. They were producing alot of steam when I took them out. I waited a few minutes and though it would be best if I tried my egg first.
As I bit into the egg, it exploded in my face.
You heard me, EXPLODED! Egg pieces everywhere, steam and heat hitting my face!
It was wild and it really hurt. My lips are all burnt and dry now. It was awful. I had to suck on a bag of ice for nearly an hour to get rid of the pain on my lips and gums.
I guess you aren't suppose to put eggs in the microwave without puncturing them a little. Lesson learned!
Well needless to say I got pretty whiny after the egg explosion accident and didn't want to do anything. We didn't go outside, we just stayed in. My whole face hurt and all I wanted to do was go to bed. It did not help the mood.
Last night I decided, no more half ass days of exhaustion!
Friday was going to be a good day.
I went to bed early woke up at 4:45 am and went for a walk.
Getting outside on a wonderfully warm morning is exactly what I needed. I escaped by myself, but in a healthy way. I didn't disappear to my bed and ignore the world. I just had exactly what I was craving, alone time.
Being outside brought me out of my head for a bit. It let me forget about the complexity of my inner problems and reminded me of the simplicity of the world around me. It reminded me of beauty and peace. Being outside this morning brought me energy and excitement for the day!
Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy., while care will drop off like autumn leaves
John Muir
I didn't climb a mountain, like the quote said, but I believe this quote can transcend to all experience to nature and the great outdoors. I let my walk energize me and all my trouble drop off like autumn leaves.
I hope you all have a wonderful day!
Much love,
Jessica
Thursday, February 17, 2011
The end of the rope
I am still feeling preoccupied. I don't even know what I want to write about today. I hate that. I have no energy and all I want to do is sleep, and not because I am tired, just because. I am in a daze and want to break it.
I found this quote that I liked. It got me inspired to write.
I found this quote that I liked. It got me inspired to write.
“When you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on.”
- Franklin D Roosevelt
- Franklin D Roosevelt
We all get like this at some point, right? Where we have come to the end of our rope. Where we just feel Spent. Done. Finished.
All we want to do it be selfish, ignore responsibilities and indulge. To some that may be curling up in bed and sleeping all day or eating a whole box of chocolate by yourself as you watch awful TV. To others it may be disappearing for the day for a solo shopping trip or having a massive cry. Each of us has our own way to deal with mental exhaustion.
I tend to be the one who wants to disappear, it could be in my bed for the day or actually out of my house. It never really matters, I just like to disappear.
I cannot do that right now.
Damn!
I am going to put my remaining energy to figuring out ways to help me reconnect. I hope by reconnecting I start to feel less exhausted.
I think I will focus on my 'improvement plans' for my life ('my journey to better health' and 'my budget cleanse' , I have blogged about those previously :)
Hopefully by directing my energy to feeling better, I will leave this exhaustion behind.
I do feel like I have gotten to then end of my rope. But this morning, I tied the knot and I am holding on. I am going to try and climb way back up.
Much love,
Jessica
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
my budget cleanse
Today I am preoccupied. I am thinking to much about our budget and online banking. Thinking about this stuff does not make me happy. I don't like money, it stress me out. But I have to change that thought process. I have to get rid of the financial fear. I have to be the change I want to see. If I don't like out finacial situation, I have to be the change in it.
I noticed latley I have been spending too much money. Nothing crazy, I just haven't been paying attention to the little things. I have been loosley spending $10 here and $20 there. It is starting to add up.
So I am going on a budget cleanse,
I am going to try something out for the next two weeks. I am not going to spend any money, except my grocery budget of $100 a week, gas of $50 a week, and weekly allowance of $20 (I know it is weird that Court and I have allowance, but we find it is helpful to have so we don't go spending non-chalantly. When we are finacially organized and doing good, we always seem to have an allowance.)
No more lunches out at work, no more take out coffee, no more online shopping or buying clothes.
I just have to buckle down and realize when it comes to stuff, I have more then enough!
I truly am blessed to have a roof over my head, food in my fridge and home full of love, I just want that home to be a little more finacially secure!
Any sensible family has a budget that lays out how much will be spent. Without such planning, things would go quickly awry.
Walter Ulbricht
I hope you all have a wonderful day!
Much love,
Jessica
I noticed latley I have been spending too much money. Nothing crazy, I just haven't been paying attention to the little things. I have been loosley spending $10 here and $20 there. It is starting to add up.
So I am going on a budget cleanse,
I am going to try something out for the next two weeks. I am not going to spend any money, except my grocery budget of $100 a week, gas of $50 a week, and weekly allowance of $20 (I know it is weird that Court and I have allowance, but we find it is helpful to have so we don't go spending non-chalantly. When we are finacially organized and doing good, we always seem to have an allowance.)
No more lunches out at work, no more take out coffee, no more online shopping or buying clothes.
I just have to buckle down and realize when it comes to stuff, I have more then enough!
I truly am blessed to have a roof over my head, food in my fridge and home full of love, I just want that home to be a little more finacially secure!
Any sensible family has a budget that lays out how much will be spent. Without such planning, things would go quickly awry.
Walter Ulbricht
I hope you all have a wonderful day!
Much love,
Jessica
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The truth to my lessons
What do I want my children to learn from me?
What words of motherly wisdom do I want my girls to hold close to their soul?
As their mother, I am going to be one of the most influential people in my girls life. The way I live my life will sink deep into their souls as the mature into woman. They will use the dynamic of our relationship as a base point for the development of other relationships in their life. The lessons and values I teach them will resign within their being. How I am in life will help them to become the person they will become.
Wow.
This made me think,
What do I want them to associate with when they think of me and our relationship?
What lessons have I learned in my life that I want them to understand?
To start, I want them to know that I love them unconditionally. That they are my life and that I love them more then I could have ever imagined was possible. I will always be there for them no matter what.
I want them to know that they can be or do whatever they want.
They have the power to do anything. Never should they feel pigeoned holed into life choices. The world is theirs to explore and allow them to become their true selves
To live full of love.
I want them to understand that loving themselves and the world around them will bring them immense happiness. Showing and expressing love is truly important!
To be true to themselves.
To never feel like they have to change because someone said so. I never want them think that the have to give into the temptation of changing themselves to fit in. I want to teach them that their uniqueness is awesome, and that people will appreciate it.
Be nice and do good things for personal well being, not for validation.
There won't always be some there to pat your back when you do something wonderful. Do wonderful things just because.
Find happiness and keep it.
Find what makes you happy and strive to maintain it. Happiness always makes things a little easier.
Share your life with a person that makes you laugh.
Vanity will always fade. Share your precious life with people how make you laugh and that you have fun with. Laughter have wonderful healing properties.
But I also want them to know that life won't always be easy. Sometimes it will kick you down and sit on you. It will make you believe you cannot get up.
I want them to know that you can get up. With persistence and strength, it can happen. Nothing is as hard as it seems, and some day you will look back and realize how those hard time was meant for your own growth. The hard times are meant to show you how amazing the good times are.
As I write this I realize that as mother and child, we have so much we both bring to the table.
We are both teaching each other how to be the people we are meant to be.
I want to teach my children that they can be whoever they want to be and to live their life full of happiness love and fulfillment. I want to show them that they have the power to be whomever they want, and that I will always be there for them.
As I teach my children the life lessons I believe are important, my children are showing me they are true. They show me that I am living my life full of happiness, love and fulfillment. Their presence of innocence has made me believe that we truly can do anything we want.
They have made me truly become the person I want to be.
They are the living proof of the things I always hoped were true, that true happiness does exist.
While we try to teach our children important lessons of life,
Our children show us the truth in these lessons.
I wish you all a marvelous day!
Much love,
Jessica
What words of motherly wisdom do I want my girls to hold close to their soul?
As their mother, I am going to be one of the most influential people in my girls life. The way I live my life will sink deep into their souls as the mature into woman. They will use the dynamic of our relationship as a base point for the development of other relationships in their life. The lessons and values I teach them will resign within their being. How I am in life will help them to become the person they will become.
Wow.
This made me think,
What do I want them to associate with when they think of me and our relationship?
What lessons have I learned in my life that I want them to understand?
To start, I want them to know that I love them unconditionally. That they are my life and that I love them more then I could have ever imagined was possible. I will always be there for them no matter what.
I want them to know that they can be or do whatever they want.
They have the power to do anything. Never should they feel pigeoned holed into life choices. The world is theirs to explore and allow them to become their true selves
To live full of love.
I want them to understand that loving themselves and the world around them will bring them immense happiness. Showing and expressing love is truly important!
To be true to themselves.
To never feel like they have to change because someone said so. I never want them think that the have to give into the temptation of changing themselves to fit in. I want to teach them that their uniqueness is awesome, and that people will appreciate it.
Be nice and do good things for personal well being, not for validation.
There won't always be some there to pat your back when you do something wonderful. Do wonderful things just because.
Find happiness and keep it.
Find what makes you happy and strive to maintain it. Happiness always makes things a little easier.
Share your life with a person that makes you laugh.
Vanity will always fade. Share your precious life with people how make you laugh and that you have fun with. Laughter have wonderful healing properties.
But I also want them to know that life won't always be easy. Sometimes it will kick you down and sit on you. It will make you believe you cannot get up.
I want them to know that you can get up. With persistence and strength, it can happen. Nothing is as hard as it seems, and some day you will look back and realize how those hard time was meant for your own growth. The hard times are meant to show you how amazing the good times are.
As I write this I realize that as mother and child, we have so much we both bring to the table.
We are both teaching each other how to be the people we are meant to be.
I want to teach my children that they can be whoever they want to be and to live their life full of happiness love and fulfillment. I want to show them that they have the power to be whomever they want, and that I will always be there for them.
As I teach my children the life lessons I believe are important, my children are showing me they are true. They show me that I am living my life full of happiness, love and fulfillment. Their presence of innocence has made me believe that we truly can do anything we want.
They have made me truly become the person I want to be.
They are the living proof of the things I always hoped were true, that true happiness does exist.
While we try to teach our children important lessons of life,
Our children show us the truth in these lessons.
I wish you all a marvelous day!
Much love,
Jessica
Monday, February 14, 2011
love never fails happiness
Today is Valentines Day.
I do not participate in the 'hallmark' quality of this holiday, I think the excessive gift giving and over abundance of stuff to show our love is not my style.
I do however love the purpose of this holiday. The obvious reminder to openly show our love to the special people in our lives. To show to our parents, our children, our partners and our friends how much they mean to us. I love that on February 14th, we are reminded to live our life full of love and happiness. I love that we are pushed to show our loved ones our deepest feelings for them. It feels so nice to be reminded of one of the most uplifting feelings in the world, love.
Today I am thinking about my wedding day. Seems like a pretty normal thing to think about on valentines day, but I am thing about it for more reasons then one. I am thinking about how I was full of love for Courtney, and how I was excited to be marrying a man who is my best friend. I remember feeling full of love towards my family and friends who helped us out tremendously to get the wedding planned in three months. I also remember being so happy and brimming with excitement and love for the anticipation of my twins, for our new family. That day was full of love, anticipation and excitement for the new life that was coming to be.
Today I am feeling the same way. By reminiscing in these feelings, I am feeling the love all over again.
Love is patient
Love is kind
Love does not envy
it does not boast
It is not rude
it is not self seeking
it is not easily angered
and it keeps no records of wrong.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices in the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always preserves.
Love never fails.
Corinthians 13 1-13
Have a day full of live and laughter!
Much love,
Jessica
I do not participate in the 'hallmark' quality of this holiday, I think the excessive gift giving and over abundance of stuff to show our love is not my style.
I do however love the purpose of this holiday. The obvious reminder to openly show our love to the special people in our lives. To show to our parents, our children, our partners and our friends how much they mean to us. I love that on February 14th, we are reminded to live our life full of love and happiness. I love that we are pushed to show our loved ones our deepest feelings for them. It feels so nice to be reminded of one of the most uplifting feelings in the world, love.
Today I am thinking about my wedding day. Seems like a pretty normal thing to think about on valentines day, but I am thing about it for more reasons then one. I am thinking about how I was full of love for Courtney, and how I was excited to be marrying a man who is my best friend. I remember feeling full of love towards my family and friends who helped us out tremendously to get the wedding planned in three months. I also remember being so happy and brimming with excitement and love for the anticipation of my twins, for our new family. That day was full of love, anticipation and excitement for the new life that was coming to be.
Today I am feeling the same way. By reminiscing in these feelings, I am feeling the love all over again.
Love is patient
Love is kind
Love does not envy
it does not boast
It is not rude
it is not self seeking
it is not easily angered
and it keeps no records of wrong.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices in the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always preserves.
Love never fails.
Corinthians 13 1-13
Have a day full of live and laughter!
Much love,
Jessica
Saturday, February 12, 2011
It is a favorite day
Today is a day for favorite things!
It is Saturday, Life is good, we are happy, so lets talk about favorite things!
What are your favorite things?
Post or comment to let me know! I love reading comments and hearing from others!
sometimes I get caught up in my 'not so favorite things' I forget how many awesome things there are in my life!
My favorite thing include but are not limited to the following:
(These are not posted in order of significance, more just as they pop in my head!)
the smell of lavender
coffee in the morning
my husbands laugh
my girls giggles and smiles
a tidy house
comfortable clothes that make you feel great
a warm bed
my giant fuzzy pink scarf
my kobo
my beautiful journal
Sleep
my Moroccan oil curl cream (for my hair)
finding new steals from ETSY (recently found some awesome tee shirts, they should be arriving soon)
Bright colors in the winter
dinners with my family
Coffee and muffins with my sister in laws and watching my girls play with their cousins
The first taste of red wine after a hard day
A great yoga class
Chats with my girlfriends
Seeing our parents being the best grandparents ever
Play dates
great music that fits the mood
Hanging out with my sisters at our parents house
Solo movie nights while Court is at hockey (I can watch whatever I want :)
Book club
Walk on a wonderful day
driving to work with my sister
quilting with my grandma
days when my family sleeps in and I have a gloriously relaxed morning until they wake up (it is happening this morning :)
being happy
There is nothing like a reminder of your favorite things to put you in a good mood.
Today is a wonderful day!
Fill it with your favorite things!
“Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.”
-Mae West
Much love,
Jessica
Friday, February 11, 2011
A step at a time
"Hi, my name is Jessica and I am an over eater."
I know I have blogged about my troubles with trying to be a healthier person, well it seems I have come to a cross roads again.
I not only overeat but I am serious emotional eater. Actually I am not sure if I am an emotional eater or a woman who overeats terribly unhealthy food then to deal with the guilt and anger of what I just did, I eat more to cover it up. I guess that is a emotional eater. I still haven't quite figured out the root of my negative relationship with food. I think that might be the key to allowing me to figure out how to stop this vicious cycle.
Once I start on that downward spiral of over eating, I get so frustrated that I got myself here that I think,
"Well I already messed up by eating all this stuff, I might as well keep going."
I can't seem to deal with this imperfection. I want to be perfect with food. I want to eat the right foods and the right amount of foods. I don't want to be the person who has to think about food all the time. I don't want to feel that I am constantly listening to my inner dialogue arguing about if I should or should not eat a big mac. I don't want to be using food as a crutch to get through tough times, boredom, sadness, anger or loneliness. I want to be able to naturally choose healthier options instead of always forcing myself to do it. I don't want to be tied down by food. I get mad at my self for not being like other people. Other people don't act like this. Other people are normal when it come to food. I make my self believe I am a freak with food and it makes me feel disgusting. Just thinking about the the negativity I bring by not being able to deal with my over eating makes me want to over eat more. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated.
I understand the idea of imperfection and accepting who I am. I comprehend that each day is a journey and I have to accept what I have been given. I know that I am not 'other people' and I am just me, that is all I have to work with. I totally get that we have our battles and we choose the level of force we put into fighting them to achieve a state of happiness.
So when it come to my relationship to food, why can I can't I accept my imperfection, just be me and work at changing the negativity?
I think that when it come to food and I, I have truly been ignoring it for a long time. I am not allowing myself to accept my imperfections. I see other people with 'normal' relationships with food and think I can be just like them. Why not, right? I believe that I talk myself into believing that this is an easy fix.
Just stop overindulging. Eat the correct portion sizes. Choose naturally healthy food choices.
That is truly what I need to do. I know that. The fix is simple but if it was that simple for me actually put into practice, I would have done it. But the problem runs deeper then that. If that was all I needed to do, I can assure you I would have done it years ago. There is an unfortunate complexity to the reasons on why I still make emotional impromptu decisions about my food and choose to over eat.
Today I am going to tackle this in a different way. I may not completely understand the root cause of my issue but I need to readjust my method, as the way I am going now it definitely not work. Instead of a 'do or die' mentality, I am going to take it one step at a time, one meal at a time, one day at a time. I decided today to write out a menu for myself, a healthy one. I will follow it loosely. The healthy ideas are there but I don't want to feel to tied down to a food regime. I don't want to allow myself to become 'addicted' to counting and tracking. I simply want to change my choice process. If I find myself feeling like I need to drift to unhealthy choices and binge eat, I am simply going to ask myself why.
Why do I feel the need to do that?
What am I feeling right now and what else can I do to help me with that specific emotion?
I am hoping that the act of questioning myself and truly honoring the way I am feeling rather then covering them up with food will help me to make the right and appropriate choices. If anything it will help me to stay connected to my food choices and emotions.
I am OK with imperfection. I can see the beauty in the imperfections of life but I am ready to allow positive change to my imperfections to create happiness.
I wish you all a wonderful day!
Much love,
Jessica
I know I have blogged about my troubles with trying to be a healthier person, well it seems I have come to a cross roads again.
I not only overeat but I am serious emotional eater. Actually I am not sure if I am an emotional eater or a woman who overeats terribly unhealthy food then to deal with the guilt and anger of what I just did, I eat more to cover it up. I guess that is a emotional eater. I still haven't quite figured out the root of my negative relationship with food. I think that might be the key to allowing me to figure out how to stop this vicious cycle.
Once I start on that downward spiral of over eating, I get so frustrated that I got myself here that I think,
"Well I already messed up by eating all this stuff, I might as well keep going."
I can't seem to deal with this imperfection. I want to be perfect with food. I want to eat the right foods and the right amount of foods. I don't want to be the person who has to think about food all the time. I don't want to feel that I am constantly listening to my inner dialogue arguing about if I should or should not eat a big mac. I don't want to be using food as a crutch to get through tough times, boredom, sadness, anger or loneliness. I want to be able to naturally choose healthier options instead of always forcing myself to do it. I don't want to be tied down by food. I get mad at my self for not being like other people. Other people don't act like this. Other people are normal when it come to food. I make my self believe I am a freak with food and it makes me feel disgusting. Just thinking about the the negativity I bring by not being able to deal with my over eating makes me want to over eat more. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated.
I understand the idea of imperfection and accepting who I am. I comprehend that each day is a journey and I have to accept what I have been given. I know that I am not 'other people' and I am just me, that is all I have to work with. I totally get that we have our battles and we choose the level of force we put into fighting them to achieve a state of happiness.
So when it come to my relationship to food, why can I can't I accept my imperfection, just be me and work at changing the negativity?
I think that when it come to food and I, I have truly been ignoring it for a long time. I am not allowing myself to accept my imperfections. I see other people with 'normal' relationships with food and think I can be just like them. Why not, right? I believe that I talk myself into believing that this is an easy fix.
Just stop overindulging. Eat the correct portion sizes. Choose naturally healthy food choices.
That is truly what I need to do. I know that. The fix is simple but if it was that simple for me actually put into practice, I would have done it. But the problem runs deeper then that. If that was all I needed to do, I can assure you I would have done it years ago. There is an unfortunate complexity to the reasons on why I still make emotional impromptu decisions about my food and choose to over eat.
Today I am going to tackle this in a different way. I may not completely understand the root cause of my issue but I need to readjust my method, as the way I am going now it definitely not work. Instead of a 'do or die' mentality, I am going to take it one step at a time, one meal at a time, one day at a time. I decided today to write out a menu for myself, a healthy one. I will follow it loosely. The healthy ideas are there but I don't want to feel to tied down to a food regime. I don't want to allow myself to become 'addicted' to counting and tracking. I simply want to change my choice process. If I find myself feeling like I need to drift to unhealthy choices and binge eat, I am simply going to ask myself why.
Why do I feel the need to do that?
What am I feeling right now and what else can I do to help me with that specific emotion?
I am hoping that the act of questioning myself and truly honoring the way I am feeling rather then covering them up with food will help me to make the right and appropriate choices. If anything it will help me to stay connected to my food choices and emotions.
A habit cannot be tossed out a window, it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time
-Mark Twain
I am OK with imperfection. I can see the beauty in the imperfections of life but I am ready to allow positive change to my imperfections to create happiness.
I wish you all a wonderful day!
Much love,
Jessica
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
pushing for perfection? let us instead let the light in!
We really do push ourselves to far.
I am starting to notice that as women we just push and push and push.
I am around alot of women. Most of my clients are women, I work with mostly all women, and the majority of my family and friends are women. I watch them, listen to them and connect with them, I am really noticing a trend. As women, we really are our own worst enemy.
We are demanding on our bodies, we are self sacraficing, we do not give enough credit, we push ourselves to our limits and beyond, we simply seem to feel that we are last on the list. We create a mountain of impossible goals to achieve, and usually we fall. We make it impossible to live up the the standards we create for ourselves.
By expecting so much from ourselves, we bring ourselves to a point in which We say,
"OK, I am done. I can't do anymore!"
We are down for the count. We can't bear to carry so much weight anymore.
Many women, my clients and friends are going through some sort of burn out, chronic pain or exhaustion. When I ask them why do they think they got there, they all seem to have the same answers for me. They simply say there was no time or energy to put into focusing on themselves. They kept putting of 'treatment'. There was too much to do in their lives and no one can do it like they can.
I believe that as women we think we are the only ones capable of doing things perfect (this only seems to get worst as we become mothers).
We believe in perfection and strive for it. It almost seems like in most of us we subconsciously believe that perfection does exist and individually we can achieve it. With this, we are setting ourselves up for disaster.
We believe in the the perfect body, the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect family, the perfect marriage/relationship, the perfect mother. We are pushing so hard to find them, but unfortunately these are all myths. They do not exist.
So what are we doing when we strive for perfection?
We are creating the inevitable chance of burn out and pain.
We push for perfection, we get discouraged when it does not happen, so we push some more.
But how do we stop this cycle? How do we accept a lack of perfection?
I think we just need to listen to the smartest person we know, you. Our own being knows exactly what we need to achieve a fulfilled life. We just need to reconnect with it.
I truly believe that as women we need to just listen more. Listen to our bodies, our hearts and our minds. Rather then just pushing through it all to achieve that elusive sense of perfection.
We need to connect.
When we are in pain, listen to the body. Why are we in pain? Work within the bodies limits. Pushing through only creates more pain and disappointment in the end.
When we are sick, listen. Let yourself be sick and heal. Do not push. Let go of your guilt and just listen to yourself.
When we are feeling down, take a moment. Listen to our mind and spirit. Why are you sad, lonely or scared? Don't tell yourself you have no right to feel like this, because you do. You have every right to feel sad or scared or lonely, just as you have every right to feel joy and happiness. Your feeling are yours alone and you never should feel the need to justify them.
We need to remember, we are all in similar situations. We seem to believe that it is easier to portray this facade of perfection rather then working with the people in your life.
Your life is yours. No justifying that to anyone, just let yourself reach out and let others aid you in your won personal journey.
Let go of guilt, resentment, frustration and exhaustion.
Live your life they way you were meant to, not by pushing but by listen to the most important person, You.
I am starting to notice that as women we just push and push and push.
I am around alot of women. Most of my clients are women, I work with mostly all women, and the majority of my family and friends are women. I watch them, listen to them and connect with them, I am really noticing a trend. As women, we really are our own worst enemy.
We are demanding on our bodies, we are self sacraficing, we do not give enough credit, we push ourselves to our limits and beyond, we simply seem to feel that we are last on the list. We create a mountain of impossible goals to achieve, and usually we fall. We make it impossible to live up the the standards we create for ourselves.
By expecting so much from ourselves, we bring ourselves to a point in which We say,
"OK, I am done. I can't do anymore!"
We are down for the count. We can't bear to carry so much weight anymore.
Many women, my clients and friends are going through some sort of burn out, chronic pain or exhaustion. When I ask them why do they think they got there, they all seem to have the same answers for me. They simply say there was no time or energy to put into focusing on themselves. They kept putting of 'treatment'. There was too much to do in their lives and no one can do it like they can.
I believe that as women we think we are the only ones capable of doing things perfect (this only seems to get worst as we become mothers).
We believe in perfection and strive for it. It almost seems like in most of us we subconsciously believe that perfection does exist and individually we can achieve it. With this, we are setting ourselves up for disaster.
Perfection does not exist.
We believe in the the perfect body, the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect family, the perfect marriage/relationship, the perfect mother. We are pushing so hard to find them, but unfortunately these are all myths. They do not exist.
So what are we doing when we strive for perfection?
We are creating the inevitable chance of burn out and pain.
We push for perfection, we get discouraged when it does not happen, so we push some more.
But how do we stop this cycle? How do we accept a lack of perfection?
I think we just need to listen to the smartest person we know, you. Our own being knows exactly what we need to achieve a fulfilled life. We just need to reconnect with it.
I truly believe that as women we need to just listen more. Listen to our bodies, our hearts and our minds. Rather then just pushing through it all to achieve that elusive sense of perfection.
We need to connect.
When we are in pain, listen to the body. Why are we in pain? Work within the bodies limits. Pushing through only creates more pain and disappointment in the end.
When we are sick, listen. Let yourself be sick and heal. Do not push. Let go of your guilt and just listen to yourself.
When we are feeling down, take a moment. Listen to our mind and spirit. Why are you sad, lonely or scared? Don't tell yourself you have no right to feel like this, because you do. You have every right to feel sad or scared or lonely, just as you have every right to feel joy and happiness. Your feeling are yours alone and you never should feel the need to justify them.
We need to remember, we are all in similar situations. We seem to believe that it is easier to portray this facade of perfection rather then working with the people in your life.
Your life is yours. No justifying that to anyone, just let yourself reach out and let others aid you in your won personal journey.
Let go of guilt, resentment, frustration and exhaustion.
Live your life they way you were meant to, not by pushing but by listen to the most important person, You.
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen
I wish you all a marvelous day, let your light in!
Much Love,
Jessica
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
empower to create
Empower to create
What holds me strong?
What heals me?
What makes me believe?
strength
endurance
flexibilty
creativity
love
compassion
understanding
running deep in the veins
through the body
It stays waiting,
waiting
waiting
To be empowered
To be embraced
To be accepted
It exists in all life
just waiting
waiting
waiting
You be the catlayst it needs
Let it be
Let it live
Let it be you
What holds me strong?
What heals me?
What makes me believe?
strength
endurance
flexibilty
creativity
love
compassion
understanding
running deep in the veins
through the body
It stays waiting,
waiting
waiting
To be empowered
To be embraced
To be accepted
It exists in all life
just waiting
waiting
waiting
You be the catlayst it needs
Let it be
Let it live
Let it be you
Monday, February 7, 2011
I will becoming a first-rate version of myself
One of the biggest 'issues' in our marriage is the clash of our organization and planning styles. My style is excessive, to the minute planning and be very organized, almost on the verge of anal retentive. Where as his style is virtually non existent. He does not plan. He is loosely organized. He knows where is stuff is (most days) but no one else has any idea how to decipher his organizational code.
I seem to always be asking him,
"What is your plan today?"
"What are we doing?"
"What time?"
"Where are you going?"
It is very frustrating, for both of us. The more I nag at him to tell me his plans, the more frustrated he becomes.The more frustrated he becomes the more he snaps at me. The more he snaps with me, the angrier I get at him. It really is a vicious cycle.
This dynamics between us drives me nuts! It is the bain of my organizational existence. I could easily just say,
"Court is going to have to change and become more like me. My way is better and being organized is awesome!"
I could try and change him and believe that it will work, but it would only lead to even more frustration when it fails miserably. But that is not what I am going to do. I am going to treat this as a part of my happiness project. I am going to change me.
I married a man who is not very organized. He is spontaneous and lives for each day with out much though into the future. This may mean that on some days we miss opportunities to do things because we didn't plan it out, or we can't be a reliable (being late, bailing on plans etc) as I would like us to be as a family. Court is who he is, I am not changing him. And the more I think about it, the more I love this quality in him. It makes him who he is. And there is no one else in the world like Court.
He is okay with his disorganization. Why does it have to bother me so much?
It definitely has to do with my over planning obsession.
Over planning is one of those odd things that you believe is making you life easier but ends up making it more difficult. Stress tends to go hand and hand with over planning. You end up making alot of 'to do' list and attaching your happiness to them. You feel very happy when you can cross a bunch of thing of the list and you feel very upset and stressed when your list is not getting any smaller. It is kind of addiction. You get your high from crossing a line through a task or chore to indicate that it is complete. It is like any drug, It makes you feel awesome for a few minutes then you are back to feeling stressed again. In my experience, when you plan to far in advanced, you tend to feel overwhelmed.
I'll give you an example.
Most weeks, on Sundays, I meal plan and make a chores list for our week. I write down everything that we need to do this week for chores and write down all the dinners we are going to eat and prepare. Sounds like a great idea eh?
What I find ends up happening is that I feel very pleased with my self and very organized for like 5 minutes. I am feeling great for being so organizationally savvy.
"Look at me, I am organized and have my life in control. I am not a screw up!"
Then the anxiety starts. All the chores I need to do, food to prepare and just basic stuff I need to get done for the week is running through my head and instantly I start to feel overwhelmed. I want to start crossing stuff of my list. Once I have finished my list, I want more. Because the feeling of accomplishment is awesome, I start putting more stuff on my to do lists and then again feel overwhelmed. It is a terrible cycle.
I end up spending to much time, mental energy and focus on silly lists.
I am wasting my precious time and life on my to do lists.
This week I am taking a lesson from my chill and relaxed husband (he always seem to be having more fun then me, so he is obviously doing something right.)
I am not going to over plan. I am going to attempt to be more relaxed and spontaneous, just like the man I love.
I am still going to be true to my inner being. I am a natural planner. I still need to have some control, but I need to find a way to allow it to be less detrimental to my happiness. I need to harbour my planning and organizational skills in a positive way.
This is what I have come up with:
Dealing with my obsessive organization is a great first step to achieve this resolution.
I seem to always be asking him,
"What is your plan today?"
"What are we doing?"
"What time?"
"Where are you going?"
It is very frustrating, for both of us. The more I nag at him to tell me his plans, the more frustrated he becomes.The more frustrated he becomes the more he snaps at me. The more he snaps with me, the angrier I get at him. It really is a vicious cycle.
This dynamics between us drives me nuts! It is the bain of my organizational existence. I could easily just say,
"Court is going to have to change and become more like me. My way is better and being organized is awesome!"
I could try and change him and believe that it will work, but it would only lead to even more frustration when it fails miserably. But that is not what I am going to do. I am going to treat this as a part of my happiness project. I am going to change me.
I married a man who is not very organized. He is spontaneous and lives for each day with out much though into the future. This may mean that on some days we miss opportunities to do things because we didn't plan it out, or we can't be a reliable (being late, bailing on plans etc) as I would like us to be as a family. Court is who he is, I am not changing him. And the more I think about it, the more I love this quality in him. It makes him who he is. And there is no one else in the world like Court.
He is okay with his disorganization. Why does it have to bother me so much?
It definitely has to do with my over planning obsession.
Over planning is one of those odd things that you believe is making you life easier but ends up making it more difficult. Stress tends to go hand and hand with over planning. You end up making alot of 'to do' list and attaching your happiness to them. You feel very happy when you can cross a bunch of thing of the list and you feel very upset and stressed when your list is not getting any smaller. It is kind of addiction. You get your high from crossing a line through a task or chore to indicate that it is complete. It is like any drug, It makes you feel awesome for a few minutes then you are back to feeling stressed again. In my experience, when you plan to far in advanced, you tend to feel overwhelmed.
I'll give you an example.
Most weeks, on Sundays, I meal plan and make a chores list for our week. I write down everything that we need to do this week for chores and write down all the dinners we are going to eat and prepare. Sounds like a great idea eh?
What I find ends up happening is that I feel very pleased with my self and very organized for like 5 minutes. I am feeling great for being so organizationally savvy.
"Look at me, I am organized and have my life in control. I am not a screw up!"
Then the anxiety starts. All the chores I need to do, food to prepare and just basic stuff I need to get done for the week is running through my head and instantly I start to feel overwhelmed. I want to start crossing stuff of my list. Once I have finished my list, I want more. Because the feeling of accomplishment is awesome, I start putting more stuff on my to do lists and then again feel overwhelmed. It is a terrible cycle.
I end up spending to much time, mental energy and focus on silly lists.
I am wasting my precious time and life on my to do lists.
This week I am taking a lesson from my chill and relaxed husband (he always seem to be having more fun then me, so he is obviously doing something right.)
I am not going to over plan. I am going to attempt to be more relaxed and spontaneous, just like the man I love.
I am still going to be true to my inner being. I am a natural planner. I still need to have some control, but I need to find a way to allow it to be less detrimental to my happiness. I need to harbour my planning and organizational skills in a positive way.
This is what I have come up with:
- I am going to keep my meal plan for our family like before. It is a little less specific but we need a guideline or Court and I tend to eat out to much.
- Each morning I will spend 5 minutes just writing down what couple things I want to get done for that day. (today list is: pick up quilt stuff from grandma and plan yoga class) I am hoping this will take the anxiety off of looking to far into the future and getting overwhelmed.
- No more scary chore list. I given myself 2 hours during the week (one of the girls afternoon naps) to clean my house. So instead of thinking about all of my to do's all week and wasting my precious time with Court and and my girls by running around the house cleaning, I'll do it all one day.
Dealing with my obsessive organization is a great first step to achieve this resolution.
Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of second-rate version of somebody else.
-Judy Garland
I wish you all a marvelous day! Enjoy it!
Much Love,
Jessica
Saturday, February 5, 2011
My wonderful girlfriends
I have wonderful girlfriends.
There are seven if us. For the most part there has always been seven of us. A few extras drift in and out but we have always stayed strong to seven.
Last night was girls night.
Oh! How I love girls night.
I mean true girls night. The husband is at home, the babies are all snuggled in bed, and I get to go out on my own accord.
I get to drink wine, eat food and chat with my beloved friends.
I have been lucky enough to have grown up with these ladies. I have known most of them since I was in grade school. We have been through it all together. They know who I am inside and out. They have seen the worst of me and the best of me. We seen the good the bad and the ugly in each other, but even after all of it we choose be great friends.
They all have a special place in my heart.
Ashley D, she is my sunny optimist.
She is the one that tells you how great that cake is you made, or that she loves your new dress. She is always there to make you feel happy. She truly just wants people to be happy. She is our hostess extraordinaire and if it wasn't for her planning skill, awesome parties and drive to host wonderful events, the seven of us wouldn't see each other nearly enough. She is a truly wonderful person. She has grown into a beautiful mother. You can see in her eyes she is exacly where she wants to be . Her happiness is contagious.
Ashley O , She is my rock.
Ashley is the one who knows me better then I know myself. Once in high school she said to me "I know what you want/need better then you do" and she was right. My mind can be a chaotic mess of idea and desires. Ashley understands that about me and keeps me in the right direction. She does this in such a subtle way that most of the time I don't even realize it. She lets me cry and talk way to much. She never complains when it can be "All about me". Ashley and I have shared some amazing times together. We can always have fun, especially in our younger years. We were forced to figure out ways to have fun just the two of us, because we could be so overwhelming together that nobody else would want to hang out with us. Our realtionship hasn't always been a positive one but we have stood through the worst together. Ashley is an amazingly compassionate and understanding person. She has a aura of complete self acceptance. She does not apologize for who she is. I envy the quality! All her positive traits have made her into a truly beautiful woman, inside and out.
Heidi, She is my Strength.
I miss Heidi. I miss our walks. And how we would talk for hours and still don't really know what we talked about. Heidi will always tell me the truth. She never sugar coats it. I love that about her. She tells me when I am being an idiot and she tells me when she loves me. She is a strong independent woman who brings strength to our group. She gives me strength. She does not compromise on her life. Heidi encompasses strength and happiness. She is a truly amazing person.
Becky, She is my wondering spirit.
I live my life vicariously through her and her travels :). She is always going on amazing adventures and travelling the world. She once said to me "...If only I could keep my feet on the ground for a while, I would have more money." But the fact that she doesn't keep her feet on the ground long is one of the reasons I truly respect her. She follows her dreams, she embraces them full on and does what she can to live the life she wants. Becky is an incredibly strong and empowered woman. She has created the life she wants. She has grabbed the bull by the horns and conquered her life and happiness. I love that about her.
Leslie, She is my source of loving kindness.
Leslie is a giver. She is truly loving soul. She will go out of her way to help out . She is kind and caring. She cares so deeply and truly wants people to be happy. Leslie is the one who help you through no matter what. She is the one who will take you out to the bars if that is what you need or invite you over for dinner if she knows you are going through a rough patch. She rarely says anything bad about anyone but if she does, it is obvious she feel terrible about it, and she apologizes right after. Her kindness is amazing. By being around her she make you want to be more caring and kind. Her positive qualities are very powerful. Leslie is an incredible person!
Lindsay, She is my dreamer.
Lindsay is like me. We think alike and most times we feel alike. She is the one that allows me to feel like my dreams are possible. She is motivated and driven. She is wonderfully strong willed woman, who just like Ashley O does not apologized for who she is. She is fun and free but holds a lot of stability in her life (which is a great mix). She is loving and kind and she will be there whenever I need her. Lindsay is beautiful woman who has really flourished into her true self. She encompasses happiness and motivation.
My wonderful friends are one of the many true blessings in my life.
My life has been blessed to encompass wonderful women in it, and these ladies fit right into that category. they are more then just friends to me, they are part of who I am today. Their relationships have shaped who I have become and I eternally grateful for their presence in my life.
I wish you all a wonderful day!
Much Love
Jessica
There are seven if us. For the most part there has always been seven of us. A few extras drift in and out but we have always stayed strong to seven.
Last night was girls night.
Oh! How I love girls night.
I mean true girls night. The husband is at home, the babies are all snuggled in bed, and I get to go out on my own accord.
I get to drink wine, eat food and chat with my beloved friends.
I have been lucky enough to have grown up with these ladies. I have known most of them since I was in grade school. We have been through it all together. They know who I am inside and out. They have seen the worst of me and the best of me. We seen the good the bad and the ugly in each other, but even after all of it we choose be great friends.
They all have a special place in my heart.
Ashley D, she is my sunny optimist.
She is the one that tells you how great that cake is you made, or that she loves your new dress. She is always there to make you feel happy. She truly just wants people to be happy. She is our hostess extraordinaire and if it wasn't for her planning skill, awesome parties and drive to host wonderful events, the seven of us wouldn't see each other nearly enough. She is a truly wonderful person. She has grown into a beautiful mother. You can see in her eyes she is exacly where she wants to be . Her happiness is contagious.
Ashley O , She is my rock.
Ashley is the one who knows me better then I know myself. Once in high school she said to me "I know what you want/need better then you do" and she was right. My mind can be a chaotic mess of idea and desires. Ashley understands that about me and keeps me in the right direction. She does this in such a subtle way that most of the time I don't even realize it. She lets me cry and talk way to much. She never complains when it can be "All about me". Ashley and I have shared some amazing times together. We can always have fun, especially in our younger years. We were forced to figure out ways to have fun just the two of us, because we could be so overwhelming together that nobody else would want to hang out with us. Our realtionship hasn't always been a positive one but we have stood through the worst together. Ashley is an amazingly compassionate and understanding person. She has a aura of complete self acceptance. She does not apologize for who she is. I envy the quality! All her positive traits have made her into a truly beautiful woman, inside and out.
Heidi, She is my Strength.
I miss Heidi. I miss our walks. And how we would talk for hours and still don't really know what we talked about. Heidi will always tell me the truth. She never sugar coats it. I love that about her. She tells me when I am being an idiot and she tells me when she loves me. She is a strong independent woman who brings strength to our group. She gives me strength. She does not compromise on her life. Heidi encompasses strength and happiness. She is a truly amazing person.
Becky, She is my wondering spirit.
I live my life vicariously through her and her travels :). She is always going on amazing adventures and travelling the world. She once said to me "...If only I could keep my feet on the ground for a while, I would have more money." But the fact that she doesn't keep her feet on the ground long is one of the reasons I truly respect her. She follows her dreams, she embraces them full on and does what she can to live the life she wants. Becky is an incredibly strong and empowered woman. She has created the life she wants. She has grabbed the bull by the horns and conquered her life and happiness. I love that about her.
Leslie, She is my source of loving kindness.
Leslie is a giver. She is truly loving soul. She will go out of her way to help out . She is kind and caring. She cares so deeply and truly wants people to be happy. Leslie is the one who help you through no matter what. She is the one who will take you out to the bars if that is what you need or invite you over for dinner if she knows you are going through a rough patch. She rarely says anything bad about anyone but if she does, it is obvious she feel terrible about it, and she apologizes right after. Her kindness is amazing. By being around her she make you want to be more caring and kind. Her positive qualities are very powerful. Leslie is an incredible person!
Lindsay, She is my dreamer.
Lindsay is like me. We think alike and most times we feel alike. She is the one that allows me to feel like my dreams are possible. She is motivated and driven. She is wonderfully strong willed woman, who just like Ashley O does not apologized for who she is. She is fun and free but holds a lot of stability in her life (which is a great mix). She is loving and kind and she will be there whenever I need her. Lindsay is beautiful woman who has really flourished into her true self. She encompasses happiness and motivation.
My wonderful friends are one of the many true blessings in my life.
My life has been blessed to encompass wonderful women in it, and these ladies fit right into that category. they are more then just friends to me, they are part of who I am today. Their relationships have shaped who I have become and I eternally grateful for their presence in my life.
"We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere."
-Tim McGraw
-Tim McGraw
I wish you all a wonderful day!
Much Love
Jessica
Friday, February 4, 2011
Our gift to the twins: the picture
The picture I promised of the paintings I got made for the twins!
(I finally found my camera!)
In my arms
I was driving home from work last night listening to the radio. A song came on that I have never heard before. I fell the urge to really listen to the lyrics. I immediately was brought to tears. The song spoke to what I was feeling right then. It spoke to fears I had been harvesting over the last little while.
This certain song may not bring tears to another person but at that moment it completely spoke to me. It described how I am feeling.
I have been blogging alot about my girls this week. It has everything to do with the fact that they are growing up before my eyes and I have no idea where I have been for it. They are little girls who seem to be fiercely independent. They seem to take the world head on. They have no fear. I see the makings of strong independent women in them. But I want them to stay little. I want to protect them from everything.
I have been thinking alot about them growing up to young girls, and eventually in to young women and I am going to be honest, It scares me more then anything. I want to protect them from all the hurt they may feel, I want to keep them safe forever.
Is it possible to just skip the all the physical injuries they will encounter as fearless children?
Or the first time they truly feel scared?
Or the first time they feel rejected?
Or the first time they fell left out or bullied?
Or the first time they have a crush that is unricprocated?
Or the first breakup?
I remember all those. They hurt. Especially as a young girl. Young girls are so intense and sensitive and if they are anything like their mother, they will be too sensitive for their own good.
Can't I just keep them safe in my arms? Can't they just stay small Little girls forever. Little girls that I can protect from all the terrible things in the world?
I know I can't. I know that wanting to protect them intensely and not being able to is the flight of a mother. I know that the way they react to all the terrible things in the world will help them to grow in to wonderfully compassionate women. I know that experiencing all the world has to offer, positive or negative, will allow them to feel deeply, love deeply, act deeply and live deeply. I know that they will need space to make their own mistakes and decided for themselves who they are going to be and what they are going to bring into the world. I know they will need all this. I know that my role will become the one who helps them to be their true selves, listen to them, help them to make the right decision, teach them right from wrong and guide them.
But right now they are still small, they are still my little babies and I am still allowed to protect them from all bad things, I am allowed to keep them safe in my arms.
In my arms
By: Plumb
Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your Curly Que's
Your contagious smile
And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
Knowing
Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Story books
Are full of fairy-tales
Of kings and queens
And the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see
The truth for lies
Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
but you are never all alone
because I will always
Always love you
Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
In my arms
I hope you all have a wonderful day!
Much Love,
Jessica
This certain song may not bring tears to another person but at that moment it completely spoke to me. It described how I am feeling.
I have been blogging alot about my girls this week. It has everything to do with the fact that they are growing up before my eyes and I have no idea where I have been for it. They are little girls who seem to be fiercely independent. They seem to take the world head on. They have no fear. I see the makings of strong independent women in them. But I want them to stay little. I want to protect them from everything.
I have been thinking alot about them growing up to young girls, and eventually in to young women and I am going to be honest, It scares me more then anything. I want to protect them from all the hurt they may feel, I want to keep them safe forever.
Is it possible to just skip the all the physical injuries they will encounter as fearless children?
Or the first time they truly feel scared?
Or the first time they feel rejected?
Or the first time they fell left out or bullied?
Or the first time they have a crush that is unricprocated?
Or the first breakup?
I remember all those. They hurt. Especially as a young girl. Young girls are so intense and sensitive and if they are anything like their mother, they will be too sensitive for their own good.
Can't I just keep them safe in my arms? Can't they just stay small Little girls forever. Little girls that I can protect from all the terrible things in the world?
I know I can't. I know that wanting to protect them intensely and not being able to is the flight of a mother. I know that the way they react to all the terrible things in the world will help them to grow in to wonderfully compassionate women. I know that experiencing all the world has to offer, positive or negative, will allow them to feel deeply, love deeply, act deeply and live deeply. I know that they will need space to make their own mistakes and decided for themselves who they are going to be and what they are going to bring into the world. I know they will need all this. I know that my role will become the one who helps them to be their true selves, listen to them, help them to make the right decision, teach them right from wrong and guide them.
But right now they are still small, they are still my little babies and I am still allowed to protect them from all bad things, I am allowed to keep them safe in my arms.
In my arms
By: Plumb
Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your Curly Que's
Your contagious smile
And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
Knowing
Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Story books
Are full of fairy-tales
Of kings and queens
And the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see
The truth for lies
Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
but you are never all alone
because I will always
Always love you
Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
In my arms
I hope you all have a wonderful day!
Much Love,
Jessica
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Turn your face into the sun and let the shadows fall behind you.
Yesterday had started of as a pretty cold and damp day. It looked like it was going to be a dreary old February downer.
Despite the weather, I am pleased to report that it turned out to be a pretty awesome day.
The ladies and I headed to my Mom and Ricks in the morning. Like I posted yesterday, it was way to cold in our place.(I do not know how impressed my step-dad was to have us calling at 7:00 am to come over but I think he warmed up to the idea once he saw the two wee ones.)
The girls were in amazing moods yesterday. They were playing and happy. The were eating there food and drinking all their milk wonderfully. Going down for naps was a breeze. It was a page out of the book of a perfect day raising twins! ( My mom would like to say that they are like that every time they go to grandma's house, because they love grandmas house!)
The girls seemed extra happy when my mom and I left them to their own accord to play independently. My mom was in her kitchen baking and cooking and I was in the living room, watching the girls, reading and quilting (I have begun quilting! A explanation post will come soon!) They would crawl between those two rooms playing with each other. Giggling and chasing each other seemed to be the favorite thing to do. At one point my Mom and I saw Charlotte crawling and Chloe on her knees behind her. Chloe was griping on to Char's tee-shirt. She was catching a ride across the kitchen from her sister!
It was incredible to watch them act like little girls. At home I get distracted with chores and tasks to do that I don't get to just watch them play together. Usually when they are content to play without me, I take that opportunity to do work. I am going to change that. It was so neat to watch them play and the dynamic between them. They seemed so much less like babies and so much more like precious children.
We had a great day.
Once Court came to pick us up, We decided to stay for dinner. I love parents houses for dinner. It is pretty obvious in my posts that I love spending time with my family, so really I think I could eat dinner there every night! Not only does the food taste so much better when someone else cooks for you but you don't have worry about to clean up as much. Clean up after dinner at our house is one of my least favorite things to do.
We ate dinner, drank tea and watched a trivia show on TV (million dollar money drop, it is pretty cool and the questions are easy enough that you feel super smart!). We let the girls bop about and burn off all the sugar they consumed in the rice pudding my mom fed them. I was a type of night that feeds your soul with love and happiness. Even the idea of heading home to shovel the ridiculous amount of snow in our lane way didn't even seem to make us that upset.
(Side note: There was a ridiculous amount of snow in our lane way. The end of lane way came to my chest! I have always been able to talk my way out of shovelling, I actually have never shovelled a full lane way before in my life. I would always start helping and get sidetracked and go inside, but there was so much that I had to help. It was tough work! Wowzers, I give lots of credit to those who shovel all the time!)
The shovelling at 7:30 pm knocked me out and I went to bed early. I got a great sleep. I was able to wake up at my usual time with much ease and actually headed back out to shovel what the plow pushed in our lane way so Court could have a little break from shovelling. He did a lot more of then me last night.
Getting that fresh air in the morning was beautiful! I feel so refreshed this morning. Today is going to be a great day!
Today's post feels a lot like a journal entry of yesterday events, but I wanted to remind myself that sometimes days that seem the worst can work out to be some of the best. They can elicit the best and most unexpected memories. I won't forget yesterday as the day I truly realized I have little girls who are awesome children! My little babies are quickly turning in to kids.
"Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you." -Jan Goldstein
Despite the weather, I am pleased to report that it turned out to be a pretty awesome day.
The ladies and I headed to my Mom and Ricks in the morning. Like I posted yesterday, it was way to cold in our place.(I do not know how impressed my step-dad was to have us calling at 7:00 am to come over but I think he warmed up to the idea once he saw the two wee ones.)
The girls were in amazing moods yesterday. They were playing and happy. The were eating there food and drinking all their milk wonderfully. Going down for naps was a breeze. It was a page out of the book of a perfect day raising twins! ( My mom would like to say that they are like that every time they go to grandma's house, because they love grandmas house!)
The girls seemed extra happy when my mom and I left them to their own accord to play independently. My mom was in her kitchen baking and cooking and I was in the living room, watching the girls, reading and quilting (I have begun quilting! A explanation post will come soon!) They would crawl between those two rooms playing with each other. Giggling and chasing each other seemed to be the favorite thing to do. At one point my Mom and I saw Charlotte crawling and Chloe on her knees behind her. Chloe was griping on to Char's tee-shirt. She was catching a ride across the kitchen from her sister!
It was incredible to watch them act like little girls. At home I get distracted with chores and tasks to do that I don't get to just watch them play together. Usually when they are content to play without me, I take that opportunity to do work. I am going to change that. It was so neat to watch them play and the dynamic between them. They seemed so much less like babies and so much more like precious children.
We had a great day.
Once Court came to pick us up, We decided to stay for dinner. I love parents houses for dinner. It is pretty obvious in my posts that I love spending time with my family, so really I think I could eat dinner there every night! Not only does the food taste so much better when someone else cooks for you but you don't have worry about to clean up as much. Clean up after dinner at our house is one of my least favorite things to do.
We ate dinner, drank tea and watched a trivia show on TV (million dollar money drop, it is pretty cool and the questions are easy enough that you feel super smart!). We let the girls bop about and burn off all the sugar they consumed in the rice pudding my mom fed them. I was a type of night that feeds your soul with love and happiness. Even the idea of heading home to shovel the ridiculous amount of snow in our lane way didn't even seem to make us that upset.
(Side note: There was a ridiculous amount of snow in our lane way. The end of lane way came to my chest! I have always been able to talk my way out of shovelling, I actually have never shovelled a full lane way before in my life. I would always start helping and get sidetracked and go inside, but there was so much that I had to help. It was tough work! Wowzers, I give lots of credit to those who shovel all the time!)
The shovelling at 7:30 pm knocked me out and I went to bed early. I got a great sleep. I was able to wake up at my usual time with much ease and actually headed back out to shovel what the plow pushed in our lane way so Court could have a little break from shovelling. He did a lot more of then me last night.
Getting that fresh air in the morning was beautiful! I feel so refreshed this morning. Today is going to be a great day!
Today's post feels a lot like a journal entry of yesterday events, but I wanted to remind myself that sometimes days that seem the worst can work out to be some of the best. They can elicit the best and most unexpected memories. I won't forget yesterday as the day I truly realized I have little girls who are awesome children! My little babies are quickly turning in to kids.
I found this quote. I really like it. Yesterday I started out by sitting in the shadows and taking in the darkness. I was wallowing in the dreary weather. But I turned into the sun to allow myself (and those around me, because we all know our behaviour does affect those around us) to embrace the day for what it was and have a wonderful time!
I hope you all have a spectacular day!
Much love,
Jessica
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Winter Storms..bah!
I am going to be very typical today and complain about how much I hate the weather! I don't even have to commute in it today. Good luck to all of you that do.
Today it is cold!
My house is freezing!
Since we live in a duplex and our landlords have control of the heat, I have put on a little block heater to try and warm this place up before the babies get up. It seems to be slowly working. But I don't think fast enough. We will head over to Grandma and Grandpa's house for the day. We will take advantage of their heat.
Since last night I have been chilled to the bone. It seems as I get older, I like winter less.
I still truly appreciate the beauty of our four seasons in Canada, but winter seems so harsh now.
Also since I had kids, I am disliking winter more. We have a very hard time getting outside in terrible weather. That leaves us feeling a wee bit stir crazy.
Today I felt inspired to write a little poem about how the cold is making me feel.
Winter chill
As the snow falls down
The cold travels in, in, in
The wind is bursting to break me down
It goes deep to the soul
chilling the inside
and moving out to my limbs
freezing all hope of warmth
why are you so far away
my beloved sun?
when we grace our presence
with your beautiful love?
the winter chill travels in
cold and torturous
wild and strong
As I finished my poem, I remember that today is groundhogs day. Maybe there is hope for the beloved sun.
Lets pray the little groundhog predicts an early spring. I think most of us would be a little (maybe even a ton) grateful.
I hope today gets a little nicer. February can be such a downer month.
Much love,
Jessica
Today it is cold!
My house is freezing!
Since we live in a duplex and our landlords have control of the heat, I have put on a little block heater to try and warm this place up before the babies get up. It seems to be slowly working. But I don't think fast enough. We will head over to Grandma and Grandpa's house for the day. We will take advantage of their heat.
Since last night I have been chilled to the bone. It seems as I get older, I like winter less.
I still truly appreciate the beauty of our four seasons in Canada, but winter seems so harsh now.
Also since I had kids, I am disliking winter more. We have a very hard time getting outside in terrible weather. That leaves us feeling a wee bit stir crazy.
Today I felt inspired to write a little poem about how the cold is making me feel.
Winter chill
As the snow falls down
The cold travels in, in, in
The wind is bursting to break me down
It goes deep to the soul
chilling the inside
and moving out to my limbs
freezing all hope of warmth
why are you so far away
my beloved sun?
when we grace our presence
with your beautiful love?
the winter chill travels in
cold and torturous
wild and strong
As I finished my poem, I remember that today is groundhogs day. Maybe there is hope for the beloved sun.
Lets pray the little groundhog predicts an early spring. I think most of us would be a little (maybe even a ton) grateful.
I hope today gets a little nicer. February can be such a downer month.
Much love,
Jessica
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
I am not ignoring you, I am ignoring your behaviour
Yesterday I hit a road block in my happiness again. I had an encounter with a family member who typically can go through depressive stages after her manic ones. When she (and most people who experience manic/depressive flows in their life) get in this state, she tends to want to bring everyone else down around her.
I think we all do this a little bit, mentally ill or not. It is a bit of comfort when we are feeling rotten if we know someone else is feeling the same way. The difference is when someone is mentally ill the level of "misery enjoys company" that resonates in them is deeper.
When I encounter people I care alot about blatantly being mean and rude to me, it is hard to ignore those hurtful jabs. It is hard to ignore the undermining comments and low blows. It is hard to tell myself that they can't help what they are doing, and that their mental illness goes deeper then I can understand.
Yesterday I did not handled it well. I felt terrible. I took everything they did and said to heart and internalized it. The feeling of anger, frustration and sadness drained me of all my energy. It was awful. I felt very low. I was playing the 'blame game' and looking at Court to do something to make me feel better. I know that is a near impossible thing to do when I am in a place of deep frustration. I started wanting people to join me in my misery. It was a full circle. I was doing exactly what had got me to this place.
This morning I have new outlook. A good nights sleep and a yoga class seemed to clear my mind and allow clarity to this issue. I though more about what I needed to do to not let myself get in that mental state.
I realized that another thing I can take from 'parenting' and bring in to my own life is the phrase:
"I am not ignoring you, I am ignoring your behaviour."
I say this to my girls. When they are behaving in whiny or over demanding way, I simply say to them, I am not ignoring you, I am ignoring your behaviour. I know they are still wee things, but most times it works. They seem to get that they behaviour is not going to illicit the response in me they were hoping for and they stop.
I should really start saying this to myself, as a mantra.
When I encounter people that are trying to bring me down, I should just repeat it in my head.
I do not need to be angry or ignore them as a person. I just need to ignore the negative behaviour. I will not allow myself to give them the response they were looking for. I know it will remind me that I am in control of how their behavior has an effect on my mental state. I have the power to overcome the urge to join them in their misery.
Self-pity can be a very indulgent feeling, we all enjoy a little 'poor me' time. When asked to join someone in that state it can be hard not to. It is easy to wallow in my own frustrations, sit and think about how tough my life is. It is much harder to realize that, this is my life! These are cards I have been dealt. It is not meant to always be easy. These dynamics with my family and friends are the only ones I am going to get so I better learn to deal with them appropriately. I need to remember that I love the people in my life, I just sometimes wish it was easier to deal with them. But I need to connect to these relationship in a different way, look at them differently. I need to keep my own insecurities out of them and allow them to flourish as much as they can. I need to figure out how to make them the most fulfilling and happy they can be.
I can only change how I respond to the experiences in my life. I have no control over another persons actions, choices or life.
Even just writing this down has made it even more clear in my mind.
I am in control.
If I don't want to feel bad then I won't.
If I don't want to be upset then I won't be.
If I want to feel and experience happiness, I will!
It sounds so easy! but i know that statement is a little to strong!
The theory is simple, the practice is hard to maintain.
But like everything I have been doing to become happier, it is hard work! I know the hard work will pay off in the end.
I hope you all have a wonderful day!
Jessica
PS. I changed the title of my blog to 'morning meditations'. I thought it fit! Hope you like it!
I think we all do this a little bit, mentally ill or not. It is a bit of comfort when we are feeling rotten if we know someone else is feeling the same way. The difference is when someone is mentally ill the level of "misery enjoys company" that resonates in them is deeper.
When I encounter people I care alot about blatantly being mean and rude to me, it is hard to ignore those hurtful jabs. It is hard to ignore the undermining comments and low blows. It is hard to tell myself that they can't help what they are doing, and that their mental illness goes deeper then I can understand.
Yesterday I did not handled it well. I felt terrible. I took everything they did and said to heart and internalized it. The feeling of anger, frustration and sadness drained me of all my energy. It was awful. I felt very low. I was playing the 'blame game' and looking at Court to do something to make me feel better. I know that is a near impossible thing to do when I am in a place of deep frustration. I started wanting people to join me in my misery. It was a full circle. I was doing exactly what had got me to this place.
This morning I have new outlook. A good nights sleep and a yoga class seemed to clear my mind and allow clarity to this issue. I though more about what I needed to do to not let myself get in that mental state.
I realized that another thing I can take from 'parenting' and bring in to my own life is the phrase:
"I am not ignoring you, I am ignoring your behaviour."
I say this to my girls. When they are behaving in whiny or over demanding way, I simply say to them, I am not ignoring you, I am ignoring your behaviour. I know they are still wee things, but most times it works. They seem to get that they behaviour is not going to illicit the response in me they were hoping for and they stop.
I should really start saying this to myself, as a mantra.
When I encounter people that are trying to bring me down, I should just repeat it in my head.
I do not need to be angry or ignore them as a person. I just need to ignore the negative behaviour. I will not allow myself to give them the response they were looking for. I know it will remind me that I am in control of how their behavior has an effect on my mental state. I have the power to overcome the urge to join them in their misery.
Self-pity can be a very indulgent feeling, we all enjoy a little 'poor me' time. When asked to join someone in that state it can be hard not to. It is easy to wallow in my own frustrations, sit and think about how tough my life is. It is much harder to realize that, this is my life! These are cards I have been dealt. It is not meant to always be easy. These dynamics with my family and friends are the only ones I am going to get so I better learn to deal with them appropriately. I need to remember that I love the people in my life, I just sometimes wish it was easier to deal with them. But I need to connect to these relationship in a different way, look at them differently. I need to keep my own insecurities out of them and allow them to flourish as much as they can. I need to figure out how to make them the most fulfilling and happy they can be.
I can only change how I respond to the experiences in my life. I have no control over another persons actions, choices or life.
Even just writing this down has made it even more clear in my mind.
I am in control.
If I don't want to feel bad then I won't.
If I don't want to be upset then I won't be.
If I want to feel and experience happiness, I will!
It sounds so easy! but i know that statement is a little to strong!
The theory is simple, the practice is hard to maintain.
But like everything I have been doing to become happier, it is hard work! I know the hard work will pay off in the end.
I hope you all have a wonderful day!
Jessica
PS. I changed the title of my blog to 'morning meditations'. I thought it fit! Hope you like it!
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