kindness

I am feeling a little run down this week.
I get like this every now and again.
I feel torn in to many directions and need a break.

What I have usually done in the past when this occurs is tried to power through it.
Allow my self to get on through the pain and exhaustion and keep on motoring at a fast speed.

I have realized that specific method is not what works for me.

I end up failing miserably.
I try to power on through but end up canceling all appointments and events and wallowing in my own self pity and exhaustion.

I am taking a new path at conquering this, I am stepping back.
I am giving my body and mind time to heal and rest.
I am fulfilling my responsibilities with all the vigor I have but not doing anything above and beyond.
I am taking time for me and not feeling guilty about  it.

We push ourselves to much, don't we?
we expect to be able to do everything.
But we simply can't.
As women, I think we live in a world of guilt.
When we can't do everything we want or need to do, we end up batting ourselves and placing intense guilt on our shoulders.
That is not nice.
That is not right.
We all need room to heal and rest.
We all need time for that.

Be kind to yourselves today!

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
Plato
Much love,

Jessica

The pact, a teenage love story

I just finished reading "The Pact" By Jodi Picoult.
I couldn't put it down.
I powered through it in 2 days, which in my world latley is record speed.

It read like a typical 'Jodi Picoult' book. It felt like I was part of a 'made-for-TV melodrama'.
I did however like it. (I enjoy 'made-for- TV Melodrama).

The story was was unpredicatable in a way the Picoult has mastered.
You already know what is going on and have a great idea what will occur, but she always reveals a vital piece of the story that changes everything in the last 3-4 chapters.
In my opinion, It was a deeply touching (yet sometimes unbelievable) teenage love story.
A story of the depths of first love and the anguish of those vital teenage years.

I enjoyed the book but could easily see how others may not feel the same way. Slighty pedictable and a little over the top, it may not go down s easily for others.
I didn't think to deeply into it and just enjoyed it for what it was worth.

I do however suggest checking it out.

Much love,

Jessica

My voice

I have been thinking alot about my writing.
Why do I write?
Why do I feel inclined to write a blog?
Why do I make my writing public?
Why no jt stick to a personal journal?us
Am i looking for approval?
Am I trying to be a writer?
Am I 'a writer' of sorts?
Do my words mean anything to others?
Do I want my words to mean anything?

I am not sure why I am searching for these answers.
Why can I not just accept that I like to write and blogging is a great venue for it.
What is this need in me to know all the answers?
Why do I question something that just feels natural?

What has come from all this questioning is the evaluation of an activity that I take great pride in doing.
An evaluation of my writing...
blogging or journalling.

My writing defines my existence.
Defines my life,
Defines my great loves, my hates and everything in between.
It creates a hard copy of my feelings and passions.
It allows me to reevaluate and look over the things I feel so passionately about.

I may be grammatically incorrect at times and my style may be off,
But I don't care.
This is my voice and I will speak in the way I was meant to,
Honestly and from the deepest part of my heart.


I wish you all a wonderful day.

Much love,

Jessica

simplicity in our existence

I was reading one of my favourite blogs yesterday, and the writer was talking about cherishing the mundane.
When I read the title, my immediate thought was how boring that sounded.
Mundane?
Doesn't that imply normal, uneventful?

As I read her blog post, I got her point.
It did mean cherish the uneventful tasks, the boring stuff we do each day.
If we weren't able to do those things, how would we feel?
What if I was in a physical or emotional state where doing my mundane tasks was impossible.
Like dressing my children in the morning, driving to work or making breakfast.
What if even getting out of bed was to much?

There are thousands of people in the world that struggle with their physical and mental states everyday. It makes it hard for them to preform their day to day activities.
How does that struggle feel?

I am sure most of them would love to just be able to preform simple and boring tasks of a usual day without a second thought.

I don't have to worry about that in my own existence.
Physically I am OK and on most days emotionally I am fine.
I am able to do my day to day activities with out a thought.
So why do I still thrive for more complexity, drama and intensity in my life?

I steer away from mundane.
I see it as boring.
I am always on the move.
Always planning and anticipating.
Not living in the moment.
I am scared to get bored.
Scared to stay still.

I have to conquer that fear.
Embrace my simple life.
Cherish my mundane.
Appreciate the amazing life I was given.
I was given a life with little drama and complexity
(and really any drama that is in it is due to my obsession with creating drama )

My life is good. Simple.

Time for me to see that.
Time for me to embrace my mundane.



Struggles and battles
Change and acceptance
Why do we fight for improvement?
When right before our eyes is something wonderful
A life full of simplicity in our pure existence


I wish you all a wonderful day!

Much love,

Jessica

the new beginning of each day

Do you ever have one of those mornings where you wake up and feel really good?
You are happy and everything is working out around you.
Things seem right in the world.
It's the type of waking up feelings that makes you wonder why it has felt so hard on earlier mornings.

Today I feel that way.
I woke up and feel happy.
Content and awake.

It could be that I had a good sleep.
It could be that I had a good yoga class last night.
It could be my new net book that my lovely husband bought for me.
I am truly not sure why I feel so good this morning but everything is looking up.

Yesterday was a tough day.
A real low.
I felt lost and angry, for no particular reason.
But yesterday is gone and only what is left in today and the rest of my life.

Last night I ended my yoga class like I end every yoga class, We get into the fetal position and I say 'allow the pose to remind you that with every ending is a new beginning'
Last night the quote resonated with me.
I allowed me to remember that with all the mistakes of yesterday, I can still move on.
There is a new beginning.
Today.

I wish you all a wonderful day!

Much love,

Jessica

a dark and encapsulating story

I just finished reading 'water for elephants' for the second time. One of my book clubs are reading it this month and planning on attending the movie after our book discussion.

I rad this book about 3 years ago, so I decided to refresh my memory and read it again!

 I was glad I did!

I love this book.

 I love the author's style of writing.

Her words drop you right in the middle of the world of the travelling circuses in an economically depressed America.

I truly didn't think that I would enjoy the storyline and plot due to the whole circus aspect but I was pleasantly surprised. I

I reads smoothly and goes down so well.

It is entertaining and enchanting.

A lovely story.

A sad story.

A beautiful love story with a dark side.

you should really check this book out.

I cannot wait to see how it pans out on the big screen.

I wish you all a wonderful night!

Much love,

Jessica

The need for a pause in time

growing old.
aging.
growing up.
maturing.

what do you think of when we talk about growing older?

Do you think of your young children learning to walk and talk?
Do you think of your adult children moving away or getting married?
Do you think of retirement?
Do you think of your parents changing as they age?
Do you think of you and how you will grace age?
Does it bring feelings of happiness and anticipation for the future?
Does age bring feelings of stress or anxiety of the unknown?

The idea of growing up is stuck in my head this week.
We have been going through a few things in my world to entice me to ponder the concept of age and life.
A few are optimistic and exciting, like our daughters growing older.
They are walking, running and talking.
(They are saying more works now like car,cookie, juice and duckie. Charlotte is walking and Chloe is running. )
Also we hired our first teenage babysitter for our girls.
This weekend we are going out for a few hours Saturday night and instead of asking our parents which is what we always do, we decided to hire a teenage girl who we trust.
Court and I were saying that it made us feel all grown up (as if being married and having twins was not enough) but for whatever reason the act of hiring a sitter made us feel 'all adult like'.
I really doesn't feel that long ago when I was getting calls from mom's to babysit their kids on Saturday nights.
These to me are positive, happy feelings of age and growing up.
It is exciting to watch the growth of my children intellectually, physically and emotionally.
But in my world some acts of aging do not bring such feelings of joy.

I have recently began noticing age in the people I love.
I watch my grandparents age and the idea that we are all delicate beings that do not last forever hits me like a ton of bricks.
Age has especially hit my grandpa and notice how father time has taken a toll on his body and mind.
I have to endure the feelings of watching the strong man who protected my mom, my sisters and all of my family with such vigor and passion, slowly let of go of his strength to the powers of time.
I makes me feel sad to notice that one of the smartest men I know sometimes can't seem to get his thoughts straight and gets frustrated.
It makes me feel sad to watch my mom, step dad, uncles, and aunts take care of my grandpa.
They all love my grandpa dearly and stay strong for his behalf, but I am sure it cannot be easy for them.
It is much harder for children to watch the grandchildren to watch.
We expect to watch our grandparents age. As children grandparents are always old and mysterious.
Their stories and grey hairs intrigue us a little children and we grow up knowing that eventually we will miss our grandparents. This though is a sad though for us grandchildren but it is more accepted from the beginning.
But it is always hard to watch a parent age.
They are our protectors and saviours.
 Even of you step up to the plate gracefully to aid your aging parent it still is hard to watch and endure.
I also feel heartache for my grandma who has such a hard time watching the strong man she knows slowly weaken with the weight of his long existence.
She mourns her loss of the man she knew and the life she knew.
She has a lack of an outlet to express these feelings in a healthy way.
It is hard for her to care for him and accept his dependency.
This makes me sad.


I know that in life we live in a full circle.
We start as babies and children need to depend on others for our primal existence.
We slowly grow into independent people of society and flourish if given the right environment.
Eventually we come around to dependency again.
We need help with tasks before that were not a problem for us.
We cannot be alone.
As we age we seem to digress to a version of our inner children.
In my grandpas case, his digression seems to be accepted by him as he moves along.
He takes each step one at a time and though he seems to get frustrated now and again, he handles it the best out of anyone.
It is much harder for us. His family.
We have a hard time accepting.
We are losing something and cannot accept it.

Age can be a terrible and wonderful thing to watch unfold into the matrix of our lives.
It can mean growth and development, but it can also be understood as digression and dependancy.
We mourn the past and look to those very happy times.
We are happy in a certain space and time.
Why are you so cruel to take that away from us?

Just pause this moment time and lets stay here.
Stay here forever.
Happy and content.

Unfortunately that is not our option.
We have not control.
We only have our acceptance.
Just let it be.
Take in each moment with all the love and happiness that you can because the one thing we can count on is that we will never get this exact moment in time again.

I wish you all a wonderful day!

Much love,

Jessica

The sign that your alive

Crying doesn't indicate that you're weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you're alive




This quote graced the status of my sisters Facebook page yesterday.

I fell in love with it immediately. 

What a wonderful quote!

True and deep emotions make us feel alive.

Like we exist. 

They remind us of our presence in the world.

A good cry can rejuvenate the soul.

Freshen everything up like an intense rainstorm does in the 

spring.  

It feels like sometimes we steer away from passionate emotions due to

social restrictions or embarrassment. 

Why should we do that?

Why put restrictions on ourselves?

We are meant to feel. 

Meant to live with intensity.

Meant to be true and honest with ourselves. 

Meant to express our feelings and have them appreciated by the one we care about. 

If you feel a certain way and express that emotion, it should be appreciated, even if not

understood, it should always be appreciated for the rawness of it's intensity.

 I am going to remember this thought and quote when I tell myself (or the ones I care about) the 
 line that we all use,




'there is nothing to feel angry/sad/frustrated about here' 

If you feel that emotion there is something that is bothering you. 

In most cases if you  allowed to openly feel sad/angry/happy and have another person

appreciate that feeling instead of telling you it does not exist allows you to embrace the

moment.

You can store it as a moment in your life journey and move on. 

You can move on lighter and more content knowing that you were true to your feelings and let

your honesty prevail. 




I wish you all a wonderful day!




Much love, 


Jessica 

beautiful morning

unknown beauty:


the sun rises
the veil lifts 


the smell of coffee and cold air
fills my insides


how will today go?
how will I feel?


the undetermined awareness 
the overwhelming wonder


Why do I give you so much room?
Why do I wonder about you?


Seize the beauty
embrace the moment that is mine


I waited all my life for this time
embrace you with open arms




Enjoy your day!

much love,

Jessica

My adventures in the galaxy

...otherwise known as cosmic adventures.

Yesterday we went to cosmic adventures with the girls.
Courtney, myself and our tiny wee ladies headed on our way to Ottawa for a morning of adventure!
We met up with a few other family's there with children around the girls age, including the girls cousin Cameron.
It was wonderful to see all the kids and chat with other adults.
I had been nervous to do cosmic adventures with the girls as I had heard it is incredible busy and overwhelming (especially since we were deciding to go on a Sunday!) but Court was coming so that made it OK because we could tag team our wild children!
As we walked in we were floored by the gargantuan size of the place.
I thought to myself  'my poor girls are going to get eaten up by this massive place!'
I am sure someone read that fear on my face and we were soon directed to a special toddler area upstairs.
It was cosmic adventures on a smaller scale.
A small ball pit, a smaller climbing apparatus and toddler play structures and toys. There was also so much space for them to walk around!
It was amazing!
The girls loved it immediately.
Chloe took to just walking about from end to end, actually she was running from end to end. She loved the space.
Charlotte immediately fell in love with the ball pit and sat there for a good hour and a half with her daddy.
We stayed there for three and a half hours.
There were no melt downs and no diva moments of screaming (which seem to be a common thing around our home lately.)
It was incredible!
We left at 1:30 ish and assumed the girls would nap in the car and then would wake up immediately once we get home, that is normal for them.
We took our time driving home and didn't get back till 2:30.
Once we took the ladies out of the car they were still obviously sleepy so we brought them upstairs to their crib. We though we were just being silly doing this as usually this would not work at all and they would be wide awake and screaming to come down stairs, but didn't they sleep for two more hours!
This is EPIC for my girls!
It was incredible!
They were tuckered!
It was such an incredible day with them.
Once they woke up they were amazing little girls.
It was like we had satisfied their craving for play that they were content to bop around the house without any 'clingyness to mommy' or meltdowns.
We actually had a relaxing rainy day late afternoon together.
Court was on his laptop working and watching the jays game, I was on the couch reading the newspaper and my book and the girls were on the floor in front of us playing with their toys.
This went on for 2 hours!
That has never happened!
When they wanted some attention they took their turns coming to mommy and daddy.
They had a few minutes of cuddles then went back to play.
They were so much more calm and chill children.
Court and I think the morning of adventure did it for them.
They got out all that excess energy that was bogging them down. They were able to act relaxed and content with out excess energy in them.
We actually bought a year member ship to Cosmic Adventures for the girls, so we can go back often.
For us it was a cheaper option as one visit alone for the four of us cost $40.00.

We realised yesterday that we have kids now. Not babies.
They are at an age that extra curricular activities are necessary in their lives.
And for my wild children, extracurriculars cannot be an organized activities (like swimming classes, kids yoga or music classes) as they do not want to stay still and follow any sort of direction.
I hope some day we can do those things but right now why put them (and me) through the stress.
They want to run free and explore!
That is just their style.
And I love my free thinking, wild, climbing, exploring, gutsy, 'never quite moving' little girls!

Much love,

Jessica

wonderful connections

Today we are going on a play date!
I am very excited.

I know playdates are for my kids, but I am slowly appreciating the effects it has on me.
I used to hate any type of play date or group, as it was so very difficult to bring two very dependant children anywhere with out the help of another.
Now my kids are more independent.
Chloe is walking and Charlotte may not be walking but she can hold her own by crawling.
Most of the time they are content to be left on their own to play.
They are prime playgroup kids now!

For the past 2 weeks I have been craving time with fellow women.
Going to playgroups satisfies that craving.
It could be that I am babysitting two days a week now and am permanently at home with the girls
(I only go into the city for my 'spa job' on Saturdays when the girls are with Court.)

I love staying at home with the wee ladies and the two boys I sit are incredible little guys, but the conversation is lacking while I am with them.
It is very one sided and most of it is in song  (when I am with kids I tend to make everything in a song, I am sure it can get incredibly annoying to outsiders...)

Last week I had a book club meeting and a chance to satisfy my cravings for adult time.
It was a great!
Wonderful women and great conversation!
It was great to have a chance to realize that you are not alone in your frustrations with the world.

Getting together with woman I trust and appreciate is a wonderful joy.
Today I get to satisfy the craving for adult time with wonderful people again with my play date!

Today we are meeting up at a friends place outside of town. Her home a wonderful place for a play group and the drive there is awesome.
All back roads.
A great time to relax and the girls usually nap .

This get together is filled with woman who are 'first time mom's' and we seem to all share the same parenting style.

Creating strong bonds with other woman is vital, especially as a mom but really at any point in our lives.
It allows to notice that we are not alone in our feelings of frustration.
It allows for laughs and simple way to make you feel lighter.
It creates the sense of unity, understanding and community.
It allows you to feel validated in the feelings that sometimes if you are left alone with can make you think you are going crazy.

Supporting and honoring each other is something I wish I saw more of (from myself and others).

As women, we can be our worst enemies.
We can be quick to judge and degrade other women out of jealousy, frustration and spite.
We gossip and belittle.
We can be quite awful to one another.

I think it is just something we are just used to doing.
I truly believe that we are not bad people. It is just so common to see other woman breaking each other down.

I know many women who have great intentions, but end up judging and gossiping each other on their choices and decisions instead of supporting them.
( I am can be one of these woman with great intentions but poor follow through)

I am breaking the cycle.
Today.
Right now.

We all need support.
We all need compassion.

The last thing we need is judgement and hurt.
Life is hard enough with out having to deal with the belittling of outsiders.

We are all in the same situation.
We truly are.

We are all navigating through the seas of life trying to figure out which way to go.
Nobody has the answers or the right way.
If we did, wouldn't we all be doing it then?


Power of connection:

We are one in the same
We understand to the core

We sometimes believe we are so different
though truly we aren't
we all go through the same motions
and plan the same trip
but we reach different points
along our unique journey through life

we do not want to hurt
we do not want to judge
take it all away

our provisions and love
vital to growth
understanding
and light

We are a powerful force
that can be a well oiled machine
if the proper support is given
the proper love is received


I wish you all a wonderful day!

Much love,

Jessica

Birthday celebrations

Last night we had Courts birthday get together.
A low key and relaxed shin dig with pizza, beer and sports.
I was exactly what the birthday boy needed!

I was such a fun night.
Good company, good food and lots of laughs!

I love the feel after a relaxed night with friends.
It is amazing how happy connecting with others makes you feel.
Connection and relationships really are an integral part of happiness.

When you get so busy in life it is so nice to stop and do something a little different.
It rejuvenates.

I feel happy this morning.
Relaxed and fresh.

connections:

like diving into the cool blue sea,
or a drink of fresh lemonade,

the feeling so deep,
so calm,
so happy

the airiness
the freshness
the connection
the love

what you bring to my perception
it is welcomed with open arms

a reminder,
a splendid truth
that we are all here

moving along with each other
forging our paths
unveiling  our lives

Thank you everyone who came out for courts party!
I was a big success!

I wish you all a wonderful day!

Much love,

Jessica

noticing the joy

Yesterday I was in a bad mood.
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
The girls woke up on the wrong side of their bed.
Even Court woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

I was feeling awful.
We were all feeling awful.

There was a negative energy floating around my house yesterday morning.

It would have been so easy to just wallow in our own pity party all day, but I decided the girls and I were going to have a morning out.
I had no idea what I was going to do. I called a few friends, but no one was available. It was quite early when I started planning our morning, so I wasn't surprised in the least that I could not get a hold of anyone.

We drove Court into work and headed on our way to the city.
This was great because my wee grumpaloo's slept on the way in.

I decided to go to kid kaf in bells corners. They have tones of plastic play structures for kids to play on, and my children go crazy for them. They are climbers. They climb everything and are so proud when they do it to. It is amazing to watch.

We got to kid kaf at around 9:30 am. The ladies were all refreshed from their sleep and were ready to play.

Charlotte went straight for a small play structure with a ladder and a small slide. It was directly in front of where I was sitting. She climbed up to the top of the slide and just stood up there for a good 15 minutes. She was watching everyone and laughing. She was higher then most kids and she was loving here view.

Chloe went straight for the play kitchen. She kept taking all the toys and putting them in the oven. She would put them in, close the oven, then open it again to get the toys back. Every time she would retrieve a toy from the oven she would look over at me with a huge grin.

They are such little hams!

I watched them play and walk around. They were having so much fun!
I was watching them interact with other kids, that was really neat to see.
There were a lot of older boys around the ages of 2 and 3 at kid kaf yesterday. I was noticing that when one of the boys would take a toy that Chloe was playing with, she would follow them around and when they were least expecting it she would steal her toy back.
As soon as she would have it in her hands she would walk away from them as quickly as possible. There was no crying or screaming (like when her sister steals a toy from her) she simply and meticulously would get the toy back. 
Also I noticed that the girls were mostly playing in completely different ends of the room, but no matter what, if something happened to either of them (like Chloe fell or Charlotte got pushed over by another kid) the girls would find each other to make sure they were ok. It was wild!
At home or on play dates, I don't get to see that becausee they are always together or very close to one another. It was amazing to watch their connection.

There was not a sign at all that they were a little grumpy earlier.
All they needed was a change of scenery.
I think they also needed a break from each other.
They needed a venue to play in were they could have their own space.

As I observed my amazing little girls, I felt happier.

I thought to my self, "why can' they just be enough?"
Why do I get my self all in a tizzy, all angry and grumpy?
Why can't the innocence and joy of my two lovely little girls be enough?

I think we all get like this.
We start over thinking.
We throw pity parties and worry to much.

Really, why can't life just be enough for us some days?
The simple joys in lives.

Why can't we justt appreciate the little things to make us happy?
like the smile from our partners, instead of being angry that they never seem to listen to you.
or the silence of the morning, instead of always going and moving.
or the cat whiskers on your face in the morning instead of being mad you didn't get to sleep in.
the phone call from your grandparents instead of being stressed because you are too busy and have no time to talk.
why can't we take joy in the simple things that matter?


We all have joy in our lives, we just need to notice it more.
Why don't we?

 It is there, I promise!

Everyone chases after happiness, not noticing that happiness is right at their heels.
-Bertolt Bretcht

Have a wonderful day everyone!

Much love,

Jessica