Simple

It has been a stressful two weeks.

I have been distancing myself from everything.

Keeping my life arms length.

Keeping my space.

Staying in my protective bubble.

Locked away from life and its experiences.

I am simply going through the motions.

 

It is unhelathy.

It makes me feel angry, frustrated and lost.

 

I needed a moment to snap me back. Bring me back to my life.

 

And it happened last night.

 

I was driving home after running some errands.

I was in the car alone. Hungry and grumpy.

I was frowning and feeling sorry for myself.

 

Then it hit me.

I talk big and read all these quotes and books on how to be the person I want to be. It has been drilled in my head that I have to power to be who I want.

I can put out into the world what I want to recieve back. 

I can manifest happiness.

I know these truths but I do not know the practice of these truths.

 

and the practice of this honest life is what is needed.

Not just the knowledge but the life lived in pure truth and happiness.

 

It only took a moment, but it was as if someone layed it out for me.

The red carpet, leading me to it.

Simplicity.

It is just that.

 

It is not complex or difficult to achieve.

 

It is a matter of stopping the cycle of over analysing and smile.

Simply smile.

 

 

I started to laugh.

Loud and happy giggles emerged.

 

I felt light, excited and I smiled. Hard.

 

I told myself that if I just kept on smiling I could feel happy all the time.

I could 'fake it till I make it'.

 

It helped.

It made it ok.

 

It made the stress go away. For that moment, I was light. I was free.

I was smiling.

 

 

 

Breath in, Breath out

one minute at a time.

 

I choose to be happy.

I choose to smile.

 

 

 

I wish you all a wondeful winter solstice. I will be celebrating tonight with some great friends.

Food, drinks and a night together is exacly what is needed on this stormy winter night.

I will try and write again before christmas, but if not, I wish you all a Merry Christmas.

Remeber to smile.

 

Much love,

 

Jessica

lighting my inner spirit aflame

I am blessed with wonderful woman in my life.

I have an abundance of feminine energy surrounding me.

I know how extremely fortunate I am to have these beautiful and strong woman around me.

 

There are three woman who have coming to my thoughts much more lately.

Three woman who I have been so lucky to have in my life for over 15 years.

 

These ladies are strong.

They are beautiful.

 

We are different.

All of us. But that is what is lovely about us coming together and growing along side each other.

We bring such wonderful dynamics and energy to our relationship.  

We fit like a puzzle.

Mold together fludily.

With no resistance.

 

Our relationship ia amazing.  

It is always growing and developing but like no other 'female-friendship' relationship in my life. We are changing all the time. These woman are so integral in my life that I am never afraid to be my true self in front of them.

I never feel judged.

I never feel belittled.

I never feel unimportant.

 

These beautiful souls have filled up my confidence. They make me feel strong, they make me reach out and find who I am really am. They push me to honor my 'true' self

Wordlessly they let me know that no matter what, they will choose to stay around.

 

It is hard to honor your deepest being. Your true existence.

It can be quite a battle to be OK with who you really are and what your true path is.

We seem to try so hard to please. We strive to be accepted. To stick within the 'norm'.

It can make is extremely frightening to listen to the dialogue that lets us know who we really are. It can be hard to follow that given path.

 

It is made significantly easier by the existence of trusting and loving people in your life to let you know they still love you. 

To be filled with such acceptance is intensly uplifting.

 

I know.

Because on top of my loving family who seems to accept all variations of me, I have these friends.

These lovely and accepting friends.

 

I love you. That is somethng I don't tell you enough. I do love and honor you as the individuals that you are and the group we create. Thank you for your presense in my life and your affect on who I am becoming.

 





 

 

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.

Albert Schweitzer

 

Much love,

 

Jessica

small warrior

The poem below describes my discovery under the light of the full moon.

During guided meditation I realized I was not alone.

The Healing can continue with a new companion.

 

 

 

 

Small warrior

 

Her clear blue eyes stare up at me

Tears dripping down her cheeks

She is beautiful

 

The pain is there

She is transparent to me

 

I feel her every pore

Her presences frightens me

Makes me feel in ways I am not sure if I am ready for

 

She tell is it is over

It is time to move on

Time to heal

 

The white dove has come

Made its home amongst us

True and honest in its existence

 

Peace

Tranquility

 

This is what she tells me I need

This is what I know I desire

 

Desire, I might but how do I reach it?

How do I get there?

 

She tells me she is here to stay

as long as she is needed

As long as it takes

 

I understand her endurance

I accept her love, for the first time

 

She follows me into the darkness of my psyche

The darkness scares me

She tells me 'without darkness, there is no light'

 

Though she is small, she is a warrior

 

She holds my hand and strokes my hair.

 

My instinct is to hold her and care for her.

My initial reaction is to take all of her into me and fix her.

 

It comes to me,

In nurturing me, she is mending her own deep wounds.

 

Breath in, breath out

We grow

Breath in, breath out

I let go

 

We are on our journey

 

She is in me.

She is me.

 

My inner child.

Beautiful little girl.

 

 

 

Much love,

Jessica

 

(Thank you Kelly for helping me to find this beautiful little girl. You are a gifted woman. Thank you for bringing us together.)

My radiant mother

Yesterday was my birthday.
It was 'my' day.
A day to celebrate me.
Simply put, a day to honor the life I created.
As a good friend said to me, "This is your year Jess. Let 27 be the beginning of your masterpiece. You are amazing."
That is how yesterday made me feel.
It was a day to proclaim, this is my year. It all starts from here!

But it is more then that.
It is a day to celebrate my mama.
My birth transformed a beautiful young woman into a radiant and strong mama.
My birth allowed a young woman to begin her journey.
November 26th 1985 was a day in which she  became a 'mama'.

I am her first child.
Her first baby.
One of her baby girls.
I take after her.
All that she loves and all that she wishes was different about herself are in me.
We have a bond, the intense and overpower bond of mother and daughter.
Something so primal and lovely.
A connection that cannot be broken.
Twenty seven years ago, she was learning how to walk in the shoes of a mother with me in her arms.
My birth was a catalyst to her life progession. To become the woman she was meant to be.
She was slowly moving away from that young woman she was and grow into the beauty of her motherhood.
Oh, how blessed I am to have grown with her.

My mother is incredible.
Simply amazing, she has over filled her shoes with motherhood.
In the face of hardship and battles, she triumphed. She stood strong as warrior mama.
She is the definition of what I want to be 27 years.
How I feel for her is what I want to experience from my own daughters.
My birthday is not about me.
It is about her and what she has allowed me to become.
Her incredible exsistence and growth has made me become the woman and mother that I am.

"The older I get, the more I see the power of that young woman, my mother."
-Sharon Olds

much love,

Jessica

Beauty in the shadows

I received a message from a good friend of mine. She is a mama of three little ones all surrounding the ages of my little ones. We were drawn to each other by our own similar battles.

I met my lovely friend at a playgroup last year. We clicked. I enjoyed her company and the kids enjoyed each other. It was a good fit.

My mama friend was on her Mat leave when we started hanging out. 

It took a few months for us to go from 'playgroup acquaintances' to 'playdate buddy'. 

The girls and I loved playdates with our fun new friends!

But unfortunately for us, it wasn't long before she had to go back to work full time, as her mat leave had run out.

Needless to say, balancing a full time job and home life with your kids is a tough job. 

It leaves very little space for personal time and your own desires.

With that said, I have not seen my friend in sometime.

 I have missed seeing her but I understand whole-hearted how tough it is to fit more into an already packed life.

 

 

Receiving the message from her was nice.

I was excited to be able to touch base again with my beloved friend.  

But she seemed stressed, torn and apologetic in her message.

She was apologizing for being absent.

 She was stressed with how tough it was to balance.

She seemed torn in being her kids mama and losing her self to it.

She seemed to be feeling the overwhelming stress of trying to be yourself  (the friend, wife, and woman you are ) and being the best mama for your children. 

 

 

I read her email again and again. I thought long about how she was doing. How she was feeling and how she was coping.

I know all us mama's have been there at one point in 'Our journey through motherhood'.

We have all been standing on that cliff bellowing for the lost soul that was our former self.

In the midst of the panic of a lost one, we lose sight. We lose the big picture.

 

As an outside spectator of her battle, I was able to see that her 'former self' was not lost but only hiding.

It is only hidden in the giant shadow of her mama persona.

She is an incredible mother and that dominates her life. She wants what is best for her kids and she battles to do right by them. Her inner mama is strong and has taken on a 'golaith' persona in her.

But 'she' is still there, hidden amongst the shadows.

As we are all still there.

The beautiful woman that we are and will always be.

 

Our amazing bodies fostered and delivered new lives to this world and with that came the birth of 'mama'. The new component of our inner being. A part in us that is strong, resilient, stubborn and overpower. It is a strong force in us that simply overtakes.

But our 'mama force' is like anything new. It takes time to get 'used' to is power. It takes time to balance it's relationship with the rest of our being.

The task of 'balance' is constant. It is always with us.We are always stacking, shifting and placing within us to create a sense of harmony in our lives.

Some days it is hard but I promise you are doing amazing.

Your beauty will prevail.

 Mama solider, you will triumph.

 

When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.

-Sophia Loren

My sister and me. Prior to the birth of 'mama'. Somedays she seems lost, but I know that beautiful woman is still within me.

 

 

Much Love,

Jessica

Hello, my name is Jess and I am a less than perfect mama!

Last night was a tough one.
I felt done!
Exhausted, wrote off and completely drained of all 'nice' qualities that I can posses.
I was an impatient and grumpy shell of my former self.

It all went sideways at dinnertime.
The kids and I had gone for a walk. We arrived back at the 'humble abode' at 5:00 pm. It was a beautiful walk.
It was a gorgeous afternoon,  just my little ones and I. I felt so free and happy on our fun little adventure across town.
Then I walked into my warm and cozy kitchen. I realized how tired I was. I was so tired.
I was also on my own. Court had gone to the gym.
DAMN!
These kids needed to be fed, bathed and put to bed.  It took all my energy just to get my Ugg boots off. The task at hand seemed daunting and only put me in a worse mood.

How was I suppose to rummage up a suitable meal?
Could I throw a bag of Cheetos at them and call it a night?
And why was it when that frosty and fun walk that made me feel so tired, only lit the torch under the asses of my children?
Canty napped on our walk and was ready and raring to go once we were home, and Chloe and Charlotte appeared like they had eaten a bag of sugar, each.
So much energy!
So little left in me.
I turned on my favourite tool of distraction, the television.
I plunked three little kids in front of 'Little Einsteins'  and waddled slowly to the kitchen to prepare the best meal of my life....
Cream Cheese and Ham wraps with cucumbers. 

In my 'mom book', I was feeling guilty for copping out of  dinner, making such a simple supper. But to my girls it was the best dinner ever. They weren't be forced to eat their veggies (Cucumbers are the only veggie they eat willingly.) And they love wraps.
You would think that the fact that they were happy with my dinner would put me in a great place, but it only lead my exhausted mind to think the 'bad things' like..

Why the heck do I try and make good wholesome food when all you want to eat is wraps?

I knew after that moment that I was going to be naturally drawn into frustration and self pity. That was were the night was going, and I was too tired to stop it.
The freight train of self destruction was barreling over me and it was too much for my self worth to push the brakes.

Bath time had the same flow to it as dinner did.
A frustrated and tired mama with three kids who were full of beans.
I did not see the joy in splashing water everywhere, I just saw a mess. 
I didn't hear the fun in their sequels, I just heard to much noise.
And I hate to admit this one but I didn't even see the joy in my favorite bedtime routine, the post bath massage. I just saw it as something else I had to do.

I was in bad place last night. It was rough. I knew it, my husband  sensed it and my kids felt it.

I finally got everything aligned for going to bed. Canty was asleep, the twins were tucked in and I was feeling awful. I was mean and grumpy. My poor kids were taking the brunt of my frustration. They seemed like they knew they were walking on egg shells.

I knew I had to do something to make this better, for me and for them. I decided to climb into bed with Chloe and Charlotte.
We had some good cuddles and some kisses. I smelt the sweet fragrance of lavender on my girls. I felt the warmth of their little bodies as the three of us curled up in their princess bed. Chloe's tiny little hand stroked my hair and I knew that is was OK. They loved me, scars and all.
I apologized for being 'mean mama' and we were still in the simple moment of acceptance and love.
I felt better and I hoped they did too.

I realized that not every moment in parenthood has to be poetic and amazing.
It is OK that I most encounters with my children are not resloved in ways you would see in a 'how to parent properly' book. 
It can be messy.
There are awful moments.
Moments that you wish you could rewind.
Moments in which I think that I am such an awful mama's for letting the walls down and the whole world (including my kids) see all the s**t that I have bottled up.
But this is human nature.
No one is perfect.

And though I was a less then perfect mama last night, I feel better today.
The morning bring new light in the form of a fresh perspective and a good nights sleep.

 Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
- L.M Montgomery


Much love,
Jessica

live fully and tell about it- lessons of the weekend

This weekend has been full epiphanies.
It has been full of moments in which I was taught lessons, shown patience and trust and been told to remember my faith.
First came the moment of patience and trust that it will all work out.
Trust the universe (and my husband :)

I work Saturdays at an awesome store in downtown Almonte called "Soul Scents", I started working there about 6 weeks ago. I needed to find an outlet to feel 'adult', simply Jessica, not 'mama jess'.
The beautiful woman who runs the store, hired me, very easily as if fate meant for me to work there. It truly was meant to be and I love love love working there. Not only for the time to recharge 'me' but because the space has an amazing energy. I learn new and amazing stuff each week  and adore how much it is expanding my world.
Last week we had a 'situation' at home while I was working. Canty would not take his bottle, he cried for hours. My patient and loving husband was at his end. Canty doesn't take a bottle well, but it was terrible last week. I can only imagine what it was like in my house last Saturday. A screaming baby for hours and two toddlers running around. I am surprised he withstood it for as long as he did.
I was distraught in finding out how badly Canty fought being fed. Thoughts of having to stop working Saturdays were creeping into my mind. I was heartbroken. Court kept telling me that it would get better, he could handle it and I would be able to keep working at the store, but I was so worried. My mama instinct told me not to leave my little boy, but my desire and need to be 'me' told me to keep going.
I did not 'quit' or stop working Saturdays and went to my usual shift this week. I was being optimistic when I left, and even organized back up. I got my lovely grandmother to come by around lunch time to watch the twins while Court brought the baby up to the store to nurse for a few minutes.
Around lunch time I got a text. It was from Court, it read " not coming up. he had a great nap and is drinking his bottle. see you later. " I was over the moon with joy. My baby is OK without me. He did well. I was so happy!
 I trusted the universe and my husbands awesome 'daddy' skills and it all worked out.

The next lesson/epiphany I had this weekend came from my grandmother.
It was a lesson in being grateful, worrying less, and to have faith.
My girls had their first sleepover at their great grandmas house.
I was so worried. I was afraid my intensely passionate and active girls would break my grandma.
We got the girls ready and the anxious feelings stayed. I was worried, nervous for all three of them.
We got in the car and drove to grandmas.
It was then I got to see the most beautiful thing.
Three people who had joy, happiness and excitement radiating from them.
My grandmother was so excited for my girls. She was actually waiting by the door when we arrived in the driveway.
Chloe and Charlotte couldn't move fast enough to their grandmother.
They were all so happy.
They were so thrilled to be in the presence of one another.

It made me remember all the lovely nights I spent at my grandmothers.
The late night movies in her living room. I would lie on the floor while grandma sat in her chair and grandpa lay in the couch. We would stay up way past my bedtime feeling so tired and exhilarated in the same moment. I would fight the sandman just to have a few more moments in that living room with my beloved grandparents.
The smell homemade bread that wafted in each corner of the house. The delicious aroma of baking bread still brings me back to being 10 years old and eating peanut butter toast in the dim light of the oven lamp with my grandma.
The excitement of being in the presence of someone who seemed to have been everywhere and see everything. My grandma had skills in so many different areas and her knowledge astounded me.
I loved going to my grandmas house overnight and it was incredible to see that feeling mirrored in my own children.
I realized how blessed I was that my grandmother is still here and available  to love and nurture my kids as she did for me.

The last lesson I am aware of is a lesson in acceptance.
With the girls lovely night spent at grandmas and Court in the city for the night, Canton and I were left to our own devices.
We spent a 12 hours together, just the two of us.
He, in his usual way, woke up at 5:00 am, ready to conquer the day.
We went downstairs. I had coffee and woke up and he layed on the floor beside me watching baby Einstein. We passed some great mommy and babe time, till he got tired.
The first nap of the day for Canton is usually rushed and independant. The twins are usually up and needing food and fresh clothes by this time so Canty-boy is left to he own devices in the swing with his favorite blankie and soother to fall asleep. Today was different. I had no where else to be and nothing else to do so I cradled my little man to sleep listening to the rain and basking in the twilight of the morning glow.
The magic of the moment led me to really meditate inwards. To really think about this moment.
I had him in my arms, pressed up against my belly while I stroked his tiny face.
I realized in that moment to have acceptance.
I acepected my soft, pillow belly. The belly that expended and held my three babies. I let go of my hate for its less then flat appearance and accepted it. It is used a soft pillow for my kids. A place for them to feel comfortable and loved. A place in which my infant son can gently fall into sweet dreams.
I let of of my angered feeling about my hands. Mangled by eczema, they hurt and look so aged and chapped. They usually cause me alot of  pain and feelings of self conscious because of their appearance. I accepted them for what they are. They may not be perfect but they are the tool that allows me to stroke my sons face while he drifts off. To feel his soft skin as he melts his little body into mine. I accepted them because he sees nothing wrong with my mangled hands, he only feels the love emanating from them.

This weekend  has filled me with so much joy in my new acceptance and lessons. It has been lovely!

 

“Instructions for living a life.
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.” 

-Mary Oliver

 

Somebody reminded me of this picture, how I love its poetic appearance.

 

Much love,
Jessica

I have two hands

I am going to be honest, we have had a tough go with money since the kids were born.
Choosing to stay home with my beauties is the best choice I have made but it can really tighten us financially.
Most days I can see clearly, knowing that it will all work out. Knowing that we will emerge unscathed by the stress of  money and debt.
I have faith that we are good people and as it may be tight now, someday I will look back and not see the 'money' struggle but I will see the happiness we cultivated in our home.
I won't see the tiny rental home we have to have because it is all we can afford. I will see a home, full of fun and love. I will not remember the small living room and outdated decor, I will see my kids doing yoga on the floor with me and laughing together at 'dinosaur' pose.
I won't see all the missed opportunities due to 'not having money' but will see all the awesome stuff we did together. All the adventurous trips to the park, swims in the pool, people we have visited and all the exciting walks we have taken.
On most days I see the good stuff, I know there is quite a bit of good stuff.
But there are still dark days.The days in which I get caught up in what we don't have, what I think we need and the stress of it all overwhelms me.
When the dark days hit, I go a little crazy.
Worried, stressed and full of anxiety.
It can be too much to handle sometimes, and I lose my mind a little.
Unfortunately we are the starting stretch to the most expensive time of year, and these dark days of financial worry creep up onto my back and plant their dense weight on my shoulders once again.
Not only do we have Christmas, but there always seems to be more bills around this time of year. It can be a little much.
In the last few days I have felt the spiral. Downwards I seem to be going, heading towards the dark abyss of finacial worry....
But something has stopped this trip.
Something has made me rethink.
I started reading a awesome blog called "Momestry"  and each year the have a charity program they do called "Holiday hands".
Woman all over post their stories of need and stress and as a community you can search and help out as you can.
It is amazing. And what it has shown me is that it is OK to ask for help and also it is showing me that I am  blessed. Truly blessed.
So many people are in true need of help and I am blessed to have so much good in my life. I may not have lots of money, but I have alot of substance in my life.
Thank you holiday hands for pulling me out of my dark abyss.
and please, check out the website if you can.The giving and support is incredible!

“For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
 For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
 For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
 For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
 For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
 People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
 As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.”

-Sam Levenson

See you later dark day of crazy! money can't buy this much fun!

 

 

much love,

Jessica

The shoreline

We change. We morph. We grow.

Every day, every hour, every minute. Our life and our souls are being molded and sculpted to our world around us.

We are like the shoreline as the tide rolls in.The water representing life and the shore representing our being. The water rolls in and out. Dancing on top of us. Changing the shore with its intentions. The mold able ground below morphs to accept the dense body of water as it gently pushes it to surrender. It takes new shapes, molds to the force and takes on new debris. Each day it changes. Some changes are only temporary, but some stay permanent. Our core beliefs stay the same, as the geographical sense of the shoreline will stay the same, but the appearance and outer layer will look different on many occasions.

Just as in our own life, the events and movement of the world changes us. These lasting changes make us the unique individual that we are and are always becoming.

I accept that people are always changing. I am always changing. I am not the same person I was even last year. But what I find hard to comprehend is how relationships are suppose to withstand this constant flow of change.

Relationships all begin with our connections. We connect with people. We have connecting lives and similar interest. We love people for what they bring to our own lives. We are then connected and intertwined in each other. These relationships are essential for happiness and our well being. We desire to feel connected to others on all levels, emotionally, physically, intellectually and spiritually.
We find the right fit for us and stick with it. Cling hard what it feels like and its simplicity once it is figured out. But how soon we forget that all things will change as do the dynamics of our relationships. We will change as people and people change with us.

When we change, do we naturally flow together creating a peaceful currant through the in's and out's of life? or do our changes clash with each other creating a tsunami of emotions and frustrations.

If the changes in our lives are like and cold front meeting a warm front, we will inevitably create a nasty storm.  We soon become our worst enemies. with the storm brewing, our inner dialogue breaks us down and creates resentment.

'I don't like this.'

'I want it like it used to be!'

'Go back to the way it was'

Our dialogue suppresses us. It makes it hard to feel free to be the people we want to be and let the people we love become who they are supposed to be.

We can't truly expect things to 'ever go back to the way it was'. We are not stagnant beings. Our life force flows. We all have currants, some stronger then others, making our personalities and life choices change a regular basis.

Stop and think,
Do I expect people to stay the same?
Do I expect my children to stay the same? 
Do I expect my relationship dynamics to be perfect and never change?

I know that on a more then a few occasions, I have expected all those to be true. I have looked at change with anger, frustration and resentment. I have acted out in these feelings, pushing and fighting my way through, hoping to bully my way back into 'the way it was'. I did this when I was unprepared for the changes. When I felt like I had just got it 'perfect' and then lost it to the change.

I know the anger was legitimate. Anger is OK, we are allowed to feel it. It is what we do with that anger that is important.

But I will tell you right now, acting out got me nowhere. I only felt more sadness for the outcome. I ended up feeling lost and confused.

I finally broke and realized change is inevitable. Not only for me but for the people in my life.
It is finally time to accept what is necessary.

I am being me. The true and ever changing me. I am letting you be you, the true and ever changing you. And since I love you whole heartedly, we will find a way to flow together through the waves of life, hand and hand.

"It is life, I think, to watch the water. A man can learn so many things.” 
-Nicholas Sparks "a walk to remember"

Much Love,

Jessica

The flow of water reminds me of the constant change of life.

how it hit me.

We could have lost you.
As I drove home today with you in the back seat, it hit me. It is hit me so hard it hurt. All of a sudden I felt it. The pain of what could have been.
I took me 4 months to finally realize how close I  came to never knowing you.
What would my life be like if I never felt the warmth of your little body, never saw your bright smiles or never got to look into your clear blue eyes?
How close we came to never meeting you.
How different it all could have been.
I feel so blessed to have had it work out the way it did. I am one of luckiest people in the world to have your sparkling eyes light up in that special way just for me. 
Tonight I am taking a moment to thank the universe for you and for our fate.
I love you Canty.

Full of abundance and feeling heavy

I was in a hurry,

walking fast and rushed.

I had just left the house in slight chaos and was feeling unbalanced.

I had Canton strapped to my chest in the Bjorn and was heading towards the library to attend a parenting workshop

I was feeling a little 'heavy' and weighed down.

The physical weight of the baby and my canvas bag filled with the necessities needed to successfully attend a two hour workshop with an infant were burying deep within the muscles of shoulders and back .

The emotional weight of the rushed night and busy day were bearing heavy on my mind.

I was feeling good but exhausted balancing on a tight-rope hoping not to fall in a pit of self defeat.

 

I didn't want to be late.

I took a shortcut.

I walked along the path of the old rail road tracks.

I walked across the bridge and looked in on the waterfront condominiums.

These homes have windows from ceiling to floor, allowing the residents to have full access to the beauty of the Mississippi.

As I unabashedly peered into these windows, drinking in the brief snap shots of the lives of others.

I interpreted my pictures into full collage of life in these homes.

 

I saw adult homes.

Beautiful art.

Clean kitchens.

Adult conversations.

Hot meals at appropriate times.

In the Dimmed lights of a living room I saw a woman sitting comfortably on the couch watching the news.

And for a brief moment, I wished that was me.

I wished I was alone on my couch watching the news.

In slience, living my adult life amongst beautiful art and drinking tea in a clean kitchen.

 

But it didn't take long for me to fall back into reality.

The slow and rythmical breathing against my own chest reminded me.

Reminded me that even with the chaos, I didn't want to be anywhere else.

 His little heart beat against mine reminded me what it felt like to not be alone.

I wanted to admire my babies paintings as great works of art.

I wanted to sing old mcdonald for the 100th time.

I wanted to eat dinner at 4:30 pm so I can make sure they get to bed early and have a good sleep.

I wanted to sit messy kitchen nursing a baby amongst princess playing cards and childrens sippy cups and enjoy my cold cup of tea.

I wanted my life.

 

The weight of my busy and choatic days may make me feel heavy,

but the weight of my babies on my soul makes me feel plentiful.

 

The weight of my life keeps me grounded.

Keeps me here.

 

Look at your own stress as the weight of the day,

the weight of your life.

Oh how that weight can bring us joy.

Allowing us to feel full of abundance and heavy.

 

“Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.”

-Debra Ginsberg

 

Much love,

Jessica

 

 

 

 

 

Stumbling down your path

As I begin my journey into motherhood , I am noticing how much 'stuff' I am reveling about my self.

Motherhood seems to pull away the blinders and make you notice all the intense emotion you have contained in your soul.

Emotions we have felt before but seem to be amplified by the role of mama.

Motherhood brings out our intense sense of grounding.

We are forging roots.

Creating a family.

We have embedded our qualities and traits into another soul.

We are teaching this new life in the only way we know how.

We teach by our own emotion and experience.

We begin to realize that with the birth of our children we are writing the beginning chapter to a incredible story.

Our sense of instinct is intensified.

We come to realize the ancient secrets of motherhood are buried deep within our psyche.

Instinctive knowledge passed on from generation to generation.

Most of us doubt our instinct until we care for our own kin.

Then we know.

We simply know that we have the strength and power as a mama to know what is best for them.

We realize our strength as women.

We realize what power is held in being called a 'mother'.

But as motherhood drapes down upon us, the power and strength that it provides for us is sometimes forgotten.

We not only realize the 'awesomness' of being someones mama, but realize the intense responsibility and stress that it can bring as well.

We have emotions and feelings that can be very hard to deal with at times.

We can get angry.

We can get frustrated.

We can lose our s**t.

We simply act out.

We can feel lost.

We can feel scared.

All of sudden we are losing our minds and can't seem to reel it back in.

When all those feeling come out in us, we begin to  feel guilty.

Ferocious and consuming guilt.

Guilt that at times can debilitate our well being.

We feel the 'mama guilt'.

Mama guilt is a strong guilt.

A feeling that can take us over.

And unfortunately we feel it too often.

For most mama's I know, we feel it everyday.

Maybe not all day, but at some point during the day we question our judgements.

We question our choices.

We question our ability to be the best mama.

All those questions lead to our guilty feelings.

 When we feel guilty we begin to be hard on ourselves.

Mean to our inner self.

Judgemental to our souls.

We can feel lost in our own sea of self doubt.

I am hear to remind us today that we are good and strong woman.

We are capable of so much.

One of the biggest problems is that we focus so much of our attention on our babies growing.

As they go from crawling to walking,

murmurs to talking.

They move from preschool to kindergarten,

high school to adult world.

We watch our babies grow and cheer them along the way.

We love their growth and their stumbles.

We know that makes them the special person they are becoming.

But we forget,

As they grow- we grow.

Changing and adapting.

Becoming a newer and improved version of ourselves.

As our babies learn to walk, they stumble and fall down.

We praise their attempt  and encourage them to try again.

We give them strength to look up and give it another go.

We admire their resiliency.

Well today I am cheering for you- my mama army.

As you fall, and you will along the way, don't be harsh.

Don't feel guilt.

Don't be mean.

Admire your own resiliencey and strength,

Get back on your feet and try again and.... 

Keep on stumbling down your own path of motherhood.

We will be stumbling along side with you! 

Much love,

Jessica

The mom army

I sometimes feel like a lone solider trudging through the weathered terrain of motherhood.

The war torn fields of abandoned toys, half eaten lunches and dirty diapers follow me wherever I turn.

 

It can get a little lonely, a little scary and a little overwhelming.

 

But this morning after a late night battle of sleep, I realized I wasn't alone.

I just had to look in the right places

 

I had to look to my Army.

My Mom army.

 

The ladies that understand.

They know all to well what it feel like to walk the deserted fields,

left in chaos after the battles fought.

Without words, they just seem to know my struggle.

They nod with understanding.

They know the look.
They have been there too.

 

They are clever and strong.

They know when to bring coffee and food.

They know when to step in with a lively distraction for a distraught child.

They know when a laugh will make it all better for that moment.

They know when to call or text you with encouraging words.

They know that even if they are fighting their own battles, a simple smile can make all the difference.

They are simply amazing.

 

 

Just knowing they are out there, just like me, brings me peace.

Knowing they are standing with me as I stand with them allows me to feel strength.

Strength in numbers.

 

My army is strong.

We can battle anything.

Sleepless nights, tantrums and meltdowns are nothing for us.

We have each other to help battle through the unknown.

We have the strength.

 

With every story told, every tear shed, every piece of advice divulged, and every insight seen, the mom army gets stronger and as do I.  

 

I am really not the lone solider.

I am part of an army.

The mom army.

 

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” 
- Milton Berle

 

 

Much love,

 

Jessica

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beauty of sisterhood -for you my sisters.

 

Watching you morph it to the beautiful woman you were put here to be.

Seeing your strengths, your love, your true being emerge.

The simple power of your presence has the strength to calm my inner demons.

I cherish my time with you. I drink it in and allow it to fuel me.

 

It is like looking in a mirror.

Sometimes painful, most time joyful.

So many similarities, but still so many differences still exist, allowing us to fill in the gaps with one another.

 

I savour that I get to watch you become the mother, aunt, daughter sister and woman that you are.

 

You are vital part of me.

You give me strength.

You give me joy.

You give me love.

Thank you.

 

To my beautiful sisters,

 

Meaghan, you growth into such nurturing and strong mother is astounding. Watching you makes me so happy. You are an amazing person. My rock, My joy, my lovely sister. I love you and am so happy to be taking this journey through motherhood together.

 

Emily, my little Emmy. My lovely Emmy. No words describe how strongly I feel for you. You are kind heart with so much love to give. You can change the world with your gifts. You were put here to make a difference. I love you and miss you.

 

Amber,  Your creative genius is inspiring. I do not use the word genius lightly here. You are a genius. You are such a giving and passionate soul. I am thankful you were brought into my life. I love you Ber and look forward to seeing you soon.

 

Thank you for being there for me.

Being the best sisters and aunty's I could ask to have in our lives.

 

My beautiful sisters fill my life with such joy.

I truly don't know how I got so lucky to have such strong woman in my life.

 

 

A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves - a special kind of double. 

~Toni Morrison

 

Much love,

 

Jessica

Letter of love

To my little ones,

 

I love to write about you.

How much I love you, your awesome hijinks's, your loving nature, your crazy adventures and my journey (smooth or rough) on how to be the best mom for you guys.

But today I want to write about something different,

just as important but different.

 

I want you to understand how it all began.

 

You are here because two people fell in love.

A young love. 

A strong love.

A love that knew in it's innocent being that it could handle anything.

 

We met when I was 15 and he was 16.

Young and naive.

We were high school sweethearts.

Through those tumultuous years, we made it through.

Two completely different personalities beat the odds of high school romance and moved on together to our next phase.

 

We went to collage.

Got our first 'real' jobs

We got our first place.

Bought furniture and nested.

We got a pet.

We did all the things young adults do to find ourselves.

Our new 'adult' selves.

 

We grew.

And somehow we kept growing together.

 

It wasn't always easy.

And it wasn't always fun.

But we stayed by each others side.

Through it all, we stood strong together.

 

Your daddy and I grew strong together.

 

Your Daddy is a great man.

He is kind and thoughtful.

He is strong.

He is smart in ways he doesn't even realize.

 

He is fun.

Always looking for the joke.

The reason to laugh.

The reason to make that moment one to remember.

 

He teaches me everyday how to be a better person.

How to yell less and laugh more.

How to be get more from life by simply seeing the 'funny' in every moment.

How to take myself less seriously.

 

I have had the great privilege of watching a boy grow into a man and a man grow into a father.

And what an amazing father and man he has become.

 

He loves you whole heatedly.

He holds nothing back.

He plays and laughs, teaches and calms.

He is an amazing daddy.

 

I want you three to understand someday that you came from love.

A strong love between two people.

This love has changed and morphed through the years, but it's foundation of strength and resiliency has stayed strong.

It has now become embedded in you.

You have a love in you that is strong.

That can conquer all.

 

 

 

"I know that you are not perfect and nor can I claim to be either, but please believe me, when I say that I want to be by your side, to hold your hand, to treasure you in the morning and in the noon-tide, to be next to you, to be held close to your heart now and for the rest of my living years, to comfort you, dry your tears and calm your most frightening fears, to fight your battles and show no shame to scream my love for you out loud all over the land."

 

Much love,

 

Your mommy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

my heaven

I have always loved mornings.

I am a 'morning person' shall we say.

I love being the first up, planning my day and getting organized.

 

Before kids, on days which I had no obligations (that line actually made me laugh out loud. I can't really remember what it feels like to have no obligations.) one of my favorite things to do was wake up before Court, Watch old romantic movies, read my book and curl up on the couch. I could spend a whole day like that.

 

I thought that was heaven.

 

My perspective has changed.

 

Heaven now is waking up before my littles.

I love the way it feels to prepare the house for their immanent wake up.

 

I love to hear their soft sweet voices over the monitor and outside their door. Playing make believe with their special stuffies and comforting each other with words.

 

I love to hear the murmurs of an infant slowly waking up braving the big new day. Taking notice to the fact that he feel slightly empty, like he is missing a piece and he needs to find it.

 

I love the joy in their voice as I walk in the room. Each day it being the same, but as if they never expected me. The pure and honest expression of contentment to see me.
 

 

I love the look they cast upon me as I pick them up and they realize in that moment they have found me. The one who can provide them with your missing pieces and substance to fill you up in that moment.

I love how when I unswadled him from the tight warm cacoon, he stretches his legs out and arms up as if to say  'here I am day, I am ready to conquer you' 

 

I love their smiles.

Wide toothless grin with a face that cannot not hid true feelings.
 A honest face.
Staring up at me right before he drinks away to fill your belly with nectar made just for him.

I love cute little pink lips curled up, looking so much like their daddy's smile, searching for a new face to join the sea of happiness.

 

I love how we discuss our day, I tell you are plans and you tell me what you think.
I love how you weave together our new adventure for the day.

 

My three angels fill my life with so many new 'loves'.

 

I realize now what my heaven looks like.

 

Much love,

 

Jessica

lose the guilt

* warning: This was a very cathartic post for me tonight

It doesn't always make sense but I needed to write tonight.

the blue moon is making me feel a little "crazy".

 

 

How can one day feel so alive and bright and the next you are searching deep within your soul to find the strength to face your day?

Today was a day in which I would have loved to have escaped in the security of my bed.

Keep my head under the pillow and sleep away the day.

So bear with my post,  I feel a strong desire right now to speak my feelings, no matter how bad/guilty they make me feel.

 

 

 

It all starts with the fact that I am loner by nature.

Before I had kids, it was not uncommon for me to 'run away' for a day.

Escape.

Be alone.

Not talk to anyone.

Drink coffee and read books.

Go to movies alone.

Have dinner by myself.

All day.

Escape my world.

Escape my own reality.

Create a new one even for a few hours.

 

 

This never happens anymore.

 

I miss that.

 

I cannot escape my reality.

It is always with me now.

 

I am sure many can agree with me when I say that staying home with your kids can feel lonely at times.

Especially on the exceptionally low days where life is throwing alot of lemons your way.

On my low days, Loneliness is a very strong feeling.

 

 

But there is one truth with parenthood,

you never really alone.

 

They are with you all the time.

Physically,

Emotionally,

and Spiritually.

 

They surround you at all times.

 

This should be a good thing, right?

I love my kids.

They are incredible.

They fill my days with joy and fulfillment.

Their unconditional love for they "much less then perfect" mother is astounding and some days undeserved.

Then why do some days simply thinking about what lies ahead exhaust me?

 

 

There are these rare moments where I disappear into a different world.

A different me.

But before I know it the guilt drifts in.

The guilt that says

"how selfish of you to think of yourself first"

that dreaded guilt that you have forgotten them,

that you aren't making them a priority.

The guilt that tells you how selfish you are for thinking of yourself first.

 

Life can be hard.

Harder then we realize sometimes.

and guilt gets you nowhere.

 

It makes you no more stronger.

or wiser, compassionate or joyful.

 

It destroys your self worth.

Makes you doubt your own truths.

Guilt is a dark and negative place to be.

 

 

 

Let  it go Jess.

Release the guilt.

You cannot control what has been done.

You can only look to the future to be brighter.

 

Guilt is holding you back.

Let yourself look forward.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't believe in guilt, I believe in living on impulse as long as you never intentionally hurt another person, and don't judge people in your life. I think you should live completely free.

-Angelina Jolie

 

Much love,

 

Jessica

 

 

 

 

feeling alive

I ran last night.

I am not sure what got into me.

I just decided to start the "Couch to 5k" program.

I am not a runner nor have ever been a runner, but I figure I need to stay healthy and it is the most convenient and inexpensive way for me to get a work out in.

 

 

I didn't even wait till the kids were in bed.

Court got home from the gym at 6:00 and then I left. 

(I really hate doing to much in that 2 hours of precious time (8 pm till 10 pm) when the kids are in bed. I like 2 hours of time to reboot and get ready for the next day.)

It was marvelous!

Only 30 minutes, but it was enough time to just decompress.

It was also cleared my mind so much.

Allowed me to reboot my thinking.

I took notice in the things I missed and the activities I wanted to start doing again.

Like teaching yoga.

I want to teach some 'family' style classes.

 

 

I really want to start a 'mom and baby' yoga class in almonte.

I have always thought of starting a mom and baby class, as I love them so much!

When I did them with the girls, I adored the yoga and the time to connect to my babies.

 

I am also toying with the idea of a 30 minute toddler class

(Court thinks I am crazy but I think it could be good. )

My girls and the two little guys I babysit love when we do our 'yoga classes'

Obviously there is not as much structure as 'regular' yoga class.

It really works out to be a yoga version of  'circle time'

Introducing kids to the world of yoga and meditation in a fun way that they would respond to.

10 minutes of warming up (songs, jumping, stretching and 'sillyness')

10 minutes of yoga poses,

 (I like to use stories to create the vinyasa flow for kids. They seem to respond well to it)

and 10 minutes of quiet yoga (kids version of mediation.)

 Quiet songs, quiet stories and trying to relax the best a toddler knows how.  

 

Now I have to find out if there is any interest in these classes and go from there.

I would love to get them started this fall :)

 

Oh, how I love feeling challenged, reconnected and excited :)

 

Have a wonderful day!

 

Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is more people who have come alive

 – Howard Thurman

 

Much love,

 

Jessica

 

 

 

 

 

Really love him

 These are someone else's words, but I found them to beautiful not to share.

 

 

If you want to change the world love a man; really love him
Choose the one whose soul calls to yours clearly who sees you; who is brave enough to be afraid
Accept his hand and guide him gently to your hearts blood
Where he can feel your warmth upon him and rest there
And burn his heavy load in your fires

Look into his eyes look deep within and see what lies dormant or awake or shy or expectant there
Look into his eyes and see there his fathers and grandfathers and all the wars and madness their spirits fought in some distant land, some distant time

Look upon their pains and struggles and torments and guilt; without judgment
And let it all go
Feel into his ancestral burden
And know that what he seeks is safe refuge in you
Let him melt in your steady gaze
And know that you need not mirror that rage
Because you have a womb, a sweet, deep gateway to wash and renew old wounds

If you want to change the world love a man, really love him
Sit before him, in the full majesty of your woman in the breath of your vulnerability
In the play of your child innocence in the depths of your death
Flowering invitation, softly yielding, allowing his power as a man
To step forward towards you…and swim in the Earth’s womb, in silent knowing, together
And when he retreats…because he will…flees in fear to his cave…
Gather your grandmothers around you…envelope in their wisdoms
Hear their gentle shusshhhed whispers, calm your frightened girls’ heart
Urging you to be still…and wait patiently for his return
Sit and sing by his door, a song of remembrance, that he may be soothed, once more

If you want to change the world, love a man, really love him
Do not coax out his little boy
With guiles and wiles and seduction and trickery
Only to lure him…to a web of destruction
To a place of chaos and hatred
More terrible than any war fought by his brothers
This is not feminine this is revenge
This is the poison of the twisted lines
Of the abuse of the ages, the rape of our world
And this gives no power to woman it reduces her as she cuts off his balls
And it kills us all
And whether his mother held him or could not
Show him the true mother now
Hold him and guide him in your grace and your depth
Smoldering in the center of the Earth’s core
Do not punish him for his wounds that you think don’t meet your needs or criteria
Cry for him sweet rivers
Bleed it all back home

If you want to change the world love a man, really love him
Love him enough to be naked and free
Love him enough to open your body and soul to the cycle of birth and of death
And thank him for the opportunity
As you dance together through the raging winds and silent woods
Be brave enough to be fragile and let him drink in the soft, heady petals of your being
Let him know he can hold you stand up and protect you
Fall back into his arms and trust him to catch you
Even if you’ve been dropped a thousand times before
Teach him how to surrender by surrendering yourself
And merge into the sweet nothing, of this worlds’ heart

If you want to change the world, love a man, really love him
Encourage him, feed him, allow him, hear him, hold him, heal him
And you, in turn, will be nourished and supported and protected
By strong arms and clear thoughts and focused arrows
Because he can, if you let him, be all that you dream

If you want to love a man, love yourself, love your father
Love your brother, your son, your ex-partner; from the first boy you kissed,
To the last one you wept over
Give thanks for the gifts; of your unraveling to this meeting
Of the one who stands before you now
And find in him the seed to all that’s new and solar
A seed that you can feed to help direct the planting
To grow a new world, together
 

~Anonymous~

 

 

The men in my life

 

 

Enjoy :)

 

Much love, 

 

Jessica