A new attitude

I have changed my blog a bit. 

I have changed the name and address. 

First off I found it inappropriate to call the blog "morning meditations".

I don't blog in the morning. 

I used to blog in the mornings, but for some reason that has changed...

If I am up before the girls, I enjoy quiet 'non-thinking' time. 

or the girls are up with me and we are too busy for me to blog. 

Secondly, I did some changes because as I posted earlier I was having some issues with identity lately. 

I realized that I am a Stay at Home mom.
This role comes with some awesome rewards but as well some major frustrations along the way. 

I have previously stated my lack of self and fear of losing who I am. 

But I think by maintain things I love, just adapting them to this (kinda) new role I play will help me to feel at peace with where I am. 

I love to write. 

So blogging helps me to feel like me. 

Like the person I strive to be. 

I think blogging mid afternoon while the kids nap, keeps me sane. 

Recharges me and reconnects my spirit to my role and to myself. 

Thirdly, I like connecting to others to. 

I miss that about not working outside my house. 

My connections to others in the outside world are much more limited. 

If blogging more often connects me to other people,
even if it means someone read this and feels the same way,
I feel part of the world in a bigger picture. 

I selfishly get to have my cake and eat it to. 

By changing up my blog and my attitude about why I write here, 
It allows me that time in the day to feel connected to the world and myself in a small way.

I think I like this new attitude :)

Totally off topic, I am pregnant as most of you know 

and this pregnancy is so much different then the last one.

I cannot stop eating!

It is wild. 

It takes all my will power to not eat every 20 minutes. 

And I choose such terrible foods. 

During this post, I ate lunch. 

I dummied 3 hotdogs and 2 chocolate chip cookies! 

what!

It is getting kinda disgusting how much I want to eat. 

If I wanted to eat healthy stuff it would be way better, but I can't get enough junk food :(

 Anyone else out there who is pregnant or was pregnant experience the same thing?

Any suggestions on how to curb the awful/intense cravings?

I am off, 

  I wish you all a wonderful day :)

I cannot always control what is going on around me but I can always control what I think about what is going on around me.  
-Lucy MacDonald

Much love, 

Jessica

simple awesomness all around me!

What a beautiful morning. 

I decided to wake up on the proper side of the bed. 

The side of positivity.

This weekend was nice. 

That helped the awesome feelings this morning.

The weekend was spent with just Court and the girls. 

We stayed home all weekend, except for breakfast at my moms and a quick jaunt up to grocery store on Sunday.

It was wonderful. 

 

It is nice to just stay in and relax. 

Just the 4 of us. 

I spend a lot of the weekend watching the girls interact. 

With such busy weeks and the hustle and bustle of life, I don't get a lot of time to take in their wicked greatness!

Today I am going to make a list of all the little things of 'awesome'  that are making my day feel so great!

Here goes:

• Tina Fey's book 'bossy pants': I picked it up for 40% off this Sunday. It is hilarious and makes me laugh every second page. 
• The memory of Chloe and Charlotte this weekend playing with Court and I outside while we shoveled. We made them a hill at the end of our drive way. We kept putting them at the top of it. I would sing "King of the castle". I though it was fitting, but every time I would sing it to them they would say "No mommy, Snow White of the castle" or "No mommy, Belle of the castle" (Charlotte is Snow White and Chloe is Belle, I definitely have princesses :)
• I crafted yesterday afternoon and finally had a wonderful use for some vintage buttons I had from 'Buttonfest'. They are adorable buttons and I am so glad I got good use out of them!
• We got to Skype with some wonderful friends! It was a first time really skyping and it was not as awkward as I though. I hope we get to make it happen more often!
• I have been pining for a pair of black Tom shoes and found online that they are not nearly as pricey as I thought! BONUS!

Such simple things made my weekend, will make my day, and hopefully my week feel so much more  amazing. 

Why?

Because I am geared into keeping in mind that all the simple 'awesome' things are what makes life worth living joyfully!

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
- Confucius

Much love, 

Jessica 

Identity

I have been think alot about Identity. 

Who am I? 

Do I like who I am?

Is it really me who determines my own Identity?

I have been feeling very pressured by the demands of  'requirements'

It seems like what I am required to do for others is slowly defining me.

I am trying to be the perfect mother.

I am trying to be the best wife I can be. 

I am trying to be the good friend.

I am trying to be the appeasing and lovely daughter. 

So Why do I feel so resentful that these things are defining who I am?

I love my family and friends, why does it bother me that what I am fit into a mold with them is creating who I am?

Maybe I need to step back. 

Maybe I need to be just me (with responsibility) 

and the rest will follow suit. 

I can't be good at anything if I am not true to who I am anyways right?

I need to honor the person in me. 

Speak with truth and conviction. 

Act with respect for myself.

Be Honest to the desires and beliefs I possess. 

I can't make my life fit into a perfect mold. 

What I have around me is  life. 

Take it or leave it. 

I can't expect people to accept me for the honest me if I am trying to get them to fit into my perfect mold with me.

much love, 

Jessica

never a child like you!

I have been up for 1 and 1/2 hours and it is only 7:00 am. 

Come someone tell my body it is a holiday AND I don't have the twins here today?

This morning Court and I are heading to Montreal to the  Premiere of the new movie "Goon". 

We are taking the train and staying in a fancy hotel. 

We may be only gone for 24 hrs but I excited!

Even though I am excited to head a way for a mini-mini-mini vacation, I still am missing my girls this morning.       

(they slept at my moms last night to allow for us to get ready this morning)

It is like having a phantom limb when they are gone. 

I think I hear them talking to one another upstairs and I expect to peak in the their room and see their smiling faces. 

I just spend so much time with them, it is hard to not think they are trailing right behind me. 

So in lieu of my feeling this morning I am going to write a BRAG post about the awesomeness of my girls. 

(refrain from reading if you get squeamish with the words of an overly doting mother :)

I believe my children are geniuses. 

Common sense tells me that they are averagely wonderful 2 year old's but  biased mother in my says they are spectacularly genius and clever. 

Take Charlotte for example,

yesterday we were sitting at the kitchen table eating lunch and we have slowly created a habit of discussing our day to come or our events in the day at meal times. 

So in normal fashion we are discussing our daily event and what is going to happen for the rest of the afternoon.

Here is how the conversation played out:

Me: After nap we are going to go to Gagu and Papa's (names we call my parents) for dinner!

Chloe: GAGU!

Charlotte: PAPA!

Me: What do you think we are going to have for supper?

Chloe: PIZZA!

Me: Nope

Chloe: FRENCH FRIES?

Me: Nope

Charlotte: SAMMIES?

Me: Nope, we are going to have ribs for dinner! Daddy's favorite!

Court: MMMM, Ribs! I love ribs. 

(in an excited voice to get the girls excited about the possibility of trying a new food)

Chloe: Chloe loves ribs! Chloe likes ribs!

Charlotte: Froggie likes ribs too!

Here I pause. Froggie likes ribs? huh?

That seems a little out of no where...

So I say...

Me: Froggie likes ribs? really....

Charlotte: Ribbit Ribbit....

I didn't even let her finish I was laughing so hard!

Where does she come up with this stuff?

I truly wonder how their brains works. 

Though I guess this isn't a stretch...

Because that make perfect sense!

Stuff like this happens everyday. 

I am sure all parents reading this have similar stories and funny stuff their kids say too.

I know this is normal. 

But watching my girls understand and connect ideas is so amazing. 

They are smart. 

They understand concepts and connections. 

It is amazing. 

I love watching they develop into their own people.

I am proud of what my girls are becoming. 

Wonderful, amazing and clever little gems!

The child must know that he is a  miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him!"

 -Pablo Casals 

Much love, 

Jessica

Baby Brother

I can do a lot of whining and complaining on my blog. 

That is just the nature of what 'this' is to me. 

A version of my journal. 

A way to sort through all the crude and find the wonderful. 

But today I am feeling perfection

Sometimes this just work out perfectly. 

How we hope. 

How we want. 

Yesterday I had an ultrasound. 

I was lucky enough to find out that the little baby is (probably) a boy!

(I say probably, because they can't confirm 100%. But the ultrasound Tech said she was 99.9% sure it was a boy!)

We really did want a boy. 

Well, we wanted any baby that we created but we were hoping for a boy. 

A boy evens out the dynamic of our family. 

It makes us all very happy!

This news of a little boy in whom his little sisters would like to name 'Caillou', has brought wonderful joy to a family  that could use a 'February pick me up'!

"A new baby is like the beginning of all things - wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities."

- Eda J LeShan

Much love, 

Jessica

Hear me!

Last night I attending a workshop put on by the 'early years center/CROW'.

I was called 'How to talk to your kids so they will listen'.

I was very eye opening!

We did this exercise where we had to imagine ourselves in a frustrating and stressful situation and then listen to multiple responses when we tried to talk about/explain our day.

During this exercise I realized that I get very angry and upset when someone tries to tell me how to fix my problem or asks to many questions. 

Also I seem doubt and belittle myself when it is obvious that I am not believed or if someone takes the other person side over mine. 

Why would I expect my children to feel any different?

If Chloe comes to me crying saying

"Mommy, Cinderella broken!"

And I respond with

"Well I told you not to play so rough with it!"

Or if Charlotte is crying because

I am putting blame on her. 

I haven't even acknowledge her sadness. 

Of course she is going to cry louder or throw a fit. 

She feels like no one cares.

 She feels like no one heard her. 

I know how I feel when I am trying to opening up and whoever I am talking to doesn't seem to hear me. 

I feel upset. 

My confidence is swayed. 

I feel angry. 

I feel sad. 

 

Simply put, I feel disrespected and close down the lines of communication (or if it is Court that is not listening to me, I yell at him. I know it sounds dysfunctional, but hey at least I am being honest.)

Why did it take attending a workshop and two years to finally connect the dots that kids are people too?

I mean I know they are 'people' but why did it take me so long to realize that they want the same things you or I want out of relationships.

Mostly they just want to be heard.

An open ear is the only believable sign to an open heart

-David Augsburg

Much love, 

 Jessica 

Opening the gates to happiness

Today is Valentines Day. 

There seems to be a general consensus to 'love or hate' valentines day.

 Either it seems you have to say,

"I hate valentines day, it is such a marketing ploy!"

"I will not give into the 'hallmark holidays'."

"If you love someone show them everyday!"

Or 

You LOVE the pink red and white cards. 

You live for the chocolates and flowers and adore the romantic outpourings of the day. 

Is it OK to say I am neither?

I don't hate valentines day. 

I do however hate spending money on useless stuff to celebrate.

And I don't necessarily love valentines day. 

I love the romantic outpourings of the day and

the show of love and respect to others around us.

(and of course I love chocolate! More excuses for a pregnant lady to indulge in chocolate, I am in :)

but I do not like the expectations St Valentines puts on us to accomplish a perfect romantic gestures. 

We already live in a culture that puts so much expectation on the perfect romantic relationships. 

Especially as women, it is hard not to expect the perfect words, the perfect actions and loving gestures from our partners or from the world around us. 

We see it all the time in movies, media and TV.

We expect 'movie-like' encounters. 

Even if we won't admit it to ourselves, most of us would love to be told by our partners how wonderful we are and how we make their life better with poetry and intense romantic gestures.

And most of us would love to be swept of our feet by the perfect stranger. Making us feel like we are the only one that exist in the world for them.

We seem to even subconsciously re-tell our romantic stories  with a flair of Hollywood romance to make it sound better. 

It  is like we assume real life romance is not good enough to be heard.

Now don't get me wrong we all deserve to be told how great of a person we are. 

We are all deserving of feeling special. 

But why do we need to strive for the perfect way to achieve this?

Why is it that the mundane things are just not good enough?

 Like the smile from a kind stranger, a hug from a child, a quick text from your friend in the middle of the afternoon to say they miss seeing you, or the extra squeeze of your hand by your husband before you go to bed. 

Maybe sometimes we are so busy searching for perfection that we are oblivious to the amazing feelings and loving energy around us all the time.

I like the idea if Valentines day.

If looked at the right way, Valentines day is a great reminder that love is all around us.

If we love ourselves, if we put out into the world our happiness and joy to be alive, love will come pouring back to us. 

Just maybe in a way you didn't expect it to.

Maybe love is simpler then we think. 

"Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness"

-Oliver Wendall Holmes

Much love, 

Jessica

How tall am I?

As some of you may already know I am pregnant. 

It is not necessarily how I  had 'planned' it. 

I always thought that we would wait till the twins were four or five till we tried for more children. 

But my girls are only two. 

They will be two and and half when the new baby is born. 

Are we setting our self up for disaster?

On wonderfully blissful days in my house, I look at my happy family and think 

'A new person will only make this family more full, more content and happier'. 

My maternal little girls who love babies and dolls will be a great help. 

We will be happy and joyful all the time!

Then on stressful, long, torturous days (like yesterday) I think 

'What the hell was I thinking getting pregnant again! Being responsible for another? Really! I can barley keep my cool with these two!'

(Why does it seem like we always think in extremes?  

Either I will be joyful parent all the time with a baby strapped to my chest and a 2 year old on each hand or be a terrible parent who yells at her kids while they turn in to TV zombies and eat junk food. 

There seems to be no in between in my mind.)

Yesterday was torturous. 

Chloe was having a bad day.

Charlotte was just egging her on. 

All day there was whining.

Chloe just couldn't control it. 

It just kept coming.  

(Here are soem examples of what I heard ALL day yesterday:)

Chloe: "Mommmmmmmmy...mommmmmy.....go now!"

Chloe: "Mommmmy......Lunch now....lunch now...LUNCH NOW!"

Chloe: "Mommmmmmmy.....Up...up...UPY!"

Chloe: Mommmmy....Do it...now! Mommy get it!" 

Me: "Chloe ask nicely please."

Chloe: "NO!"

(all with tears and distraught in her voice)

(This dialogue is my favorite)

 Chloe: " MOMMMMMMMMMMY! chocolate cookie now!"

(while I am placing the cookies in the oven and ignoring the whining happening behind me) 

Court: "Mommy is baking the cookies. They will be ready soon. Chloe, please be patient."

Chloe: *tears*

Court: "Chloe, please stop whining, if you keep on whining, you will not be allowed to have a cookie"

Chloe: Silence

A look passes between Court and I, we do that 'telepathic parent thing'. 

Finally she listened to us, No arguments, No anger.  

Maybe her bad day is coming to an end. 

We make a silent agreement, Lets just make sure no matter what we do not mention cookies till they are ready. 

Then not even 10 seconds later.....

Charlotte: "Daddy,  Mommy bake chocolate cookie! Cookie ready soon! Chloe, cookies ready soon! CHLOE!!!"

Chloe: "COOKIES NOW...mommmmmy...cookies!!!" (tears)

AHHHHHHH!

All the whining with Charlotte following behind by saying, 

Charlotte: "Mommy, Chloe angry"

Charlotte: "Mommy, Chloe time out"

Charlotte: "Mommy, Chloe sad"

I started by being calm. 

"Chloe, please use your big girl words."

"Chloe, please ask nicely"

"Charlotte, leave your sister alone, she is very grumpy today"

Those words made a slow progression to frustration by the end of the day. 

By bath time I was ringing a different tune. 

"CHLOE, STOP WHINING!"

"CHARLOITTE, QUIT BUGGING YOU SISTER!"

"YOU GUYS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!"

At the end of the day I felt like a failure. 

My little girl was having a bad day and I could keep my cool. 

But it was just so much whining....

 How much can the average mom take before losing it?

How come I wasn't informed in my prenatal classes about toddler whining?

I feel that is an important piece of information kept from me.

Why didn't anyone tell me I would hate the sound of whining more then  the sound of nails on a chalkboard?

I went to bed feeling a little lost in my parenting and worried about this new baby I was about to have.

Then this morning, I go upstairs at 6:30 am. 

My girls are awake. 

I see them and they smile big. 

They are both in the same crib.  

(Chloe has taken a habit of climbing into Charlotte's crib every chance she gets)

Smiling and laughing.

"Mommy, go downstairs?"

"Mommy, Chloe and Charlotte playing!"

Maybe today will be a nicer day. 

Maybe today I will feel equip to bring another into this world.

"If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?" 

-Unknown

Much love, 

Jessica

 

A milestone celebration with a side of self reflection.

This weekend was my little girls 2nd birthday. 

Chloe enjoying a chocolate treat :)

Charlotte reading her new book :)

It went without a hitch. We had a winter sliding party for them and they seemed to have a blast playing with all their cousins and little buddies. 

It was really great. 

The milestone of their 2nd birthday not only brought back  reminiscent feelings of the intense development of the girls over the last two years but also brought many feelings of personal growth. 

I have been working on my feelings and interpretation of myself over the last two years. 

I have come to a point of judgement or better yet observation of who I am today and how I got here.

I struggled quite a bit.

I made many mistakes.

I have honestly changed who I am.

For quite some time I rebelled against who I was becoming. 

I fought with the changes that were being made. 

One part of me knew that this was the right path for me and another part of me wanted to go in a different direction.

It has been a tough journey to where I am. 

Simply put, I am a full time mom. 

I have lost my old identity. 

I am learning how to find a new one. 

I have lost who I was before kids. 

I hated this idea before.

I knew that person. 

I knew where I stood and and who I was. 

Now I am discovering who this new person is and how she fits into the life I have. 

The life that I live on a daily basis. 

In the last two years I have been through a gamete of emotions. 

It started with excitement, joy and elation of having children. 

Seeing their beautiful eyes stare back at me with all the love in the world.

It slowly moved into struggle. 

Challenge, difficulty and on some days depression.

Not only did those beautiful eyes look up at me with love but they also  look up at me with intense dependence.Their lives were in my hands. I was the protector of their safety.

It was a hard task to handle.

Once things seemed to balance out with the dependence and development of my children, they grew and became little people who still needed me but were finding their own in the world.

The focus was moved to me. 

There was rebellion. 

There was frustration. 

How I am going to fit everything I want to be into this one life? 

How can I live in this new life and still be the person I was?

And now I am realizing this new phase I am in. 

Acceptance. 

I cannot do everything. 

I cannot be everything. 

I am only me. 

The person I was to be. 

 But I am far from where I want to be as a mom, as a wife and as a person. 

I don't say this to sound self-pitying and depressed. 

I say this as a statement, a simple honest statement. 

Maybe that is where we all are. 

Striving to be better. 

Striving to do better. 

I know I have come along way in being the happier, relaxed and respectful person I want to be. 

To live life to the fullest. 

I am not better or worst then anyone else.

We are all on the same journey, just with different paths.

I want to be able to wake up each morning knowing that today will bring happiness because I will put out into the world the message that I am happy where I am. 

I do not expect perfection.

I do not expect life to hand me roses everyday. 

I am happy to have what is dealt to me know. 

I am less resistant to what will be.

Much love, 

Jessica